- Hey everybody, a few month's ago
I released a video about having an emotionally absent mother
and many of you wanted me to expand on that topic
and talk more about fathers
who were also emotionally unavailable.
So that's what we're gonna do today.
But first, are you new to my channel?
Welcome, I release videos on Mondays
and on Thursdays so make you a subscribe
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Father involvement luckily has increased dramatically
over the past few decades.
Many fathers are not okay
with only being a distant breadwinner,
opting to spend more time at home
and participate more in parenting overall.
But many of us did not grow up that way.
Instead, having an abusive, absent,
or completely unreliable father,
spending out childhood wanting for more
or trying to be perfect enough
to get their attention and love.
Even though this hurt occurred when we were younger
and possibly still living at home,
we can take these unhealthy lessons with us when we leave
and continue to apply them to our relationships
for the rest of our lives.
The book that I found to be the most helpful
when creating this video was
The Unavailable Father by Sarah Simms Rosenthal
because she not only gives us ways to heal,
but she also shares stories from other people
who've had similar struggles.
It's an incredible resource
and I cannot recommend it enough
and I'll put a link in the description
if you wanna pick up one yourself.
Now, Sarah addresses the six types
of unavailable fathers that we can encounter
in our life and the 1st is the disapproving father.
Two, the mentally ill father.
Three, the substance abusing father.
Four, the abusive father.
Five, the unreliable father.
And six, the absent father.
And it's important to note
that we can have combinations of these six types.
Our father could be abusing alcohol
as well as being physically abusive to us
or he could shift from one type to another
over the whole time during our childhood
and over the time that we lived at home.
Whatever your experience has been,
just know that you're not alone
and there are things that we can do to heal
so that we don't keep creating unhealthy relationships
with men throughout our entire lives,
kind of as a result of how our father was to us.
We don't wanna take all of that baggage
and put it in our new relationships, right?
Another video I love that talks
about just how important the first year of our life is
for attachment and all that good stuff
is this one from Life Noggin.
Not only am I good friends with the team over there,
but I always enjoy learning more from their content
and you can also click link in the description
if you wanna check it out.
Now, let's get into how we heal
from having an emotionally unavailable father
because it's not just enough to even understand
that it's happening, it's more important
that we know how we can grow and overcome it
and the 1st step is to figure out
what type of father you had.
Was he never around?
Was he always drunk or angry?
Did he have a mental illness
that made him unpredictable and easily upset?
Consider the six types that I just mentioned
and note which ones you feel represent your relationship
with your father best.
The 2nd step is to recall how you were really treated
by your father as a child.
And this can take some internal and external research.
You could journal, talk to your siblings,
or your other parent or even your father
if it's safe and something you're able to do
without blaming or fighting with him.
Do whatever you need to do
in order to figure out just what it was like for you.
And remember that you were young
and although it may not seem like that big of a deal
to you today, it could have been when you were young.
Just like I've talked about before,
how we have those little Ts or little traumas
that happened when we were children,
when we look back as an adult,
they may not seem like much
and that's why it's really important to remember
how it felt back then to you at that age
and I know that this is really painful
and it can be really hard,
so it may be safest to do this work in therapy if you can.
Number three, recognize what coping skills
or defense mechanisms you used back then
that helped you survive.
Did you hide yourself in your school work
hoping that your perfect grades
would make him finally happy and loving towards you?
Did you try to go unnoticed so that you wouldn't upset him?
Were you afraid to have friends over
because you didn't know if your dad was gonna be angry,
drunk, or acting crazy?
You can also ask your close friends or family members
about this as well because they may help you remember
things that you could have stuffed down
and tried to forget.
Number four, after we know what we did
to help better manage, consider which of those coping skills
or defense mechanisms are still active
in your life today.
Are they holding you back
from having that happiness you deserve?
Do you still utilize some of those tools and techniques
to keep yourself safe?
Maybe you're still a workaholic
or you try to go unnoticed in any situation.
Pay attention.
Maybe start journaling or even asking your friends
if you do any of the things
that you noticed you did when you were younger
'cause you've already done that research, right.
We know the coping skills
and defense mechanisms we tried out.
See if we're still doing those.
Write them down.
Ask people.
That way we know which ones are still affecting us
and potentially keeping us from living the life
and having the relationships that we deserve.
5th, come up with some new ways to think and behave
that are more in line with what we want to get
out of our life.
Meaning that some of the defense mechanisms
or coping skills we're still using
don't really serve us anymore
and they're actually holding us back.
I've talked about this in relation to self-injury
or eating disorder behaviors,
they used to really help
and they helped us get through shitty times
but now they're just making things worse.
So consider what we can do differently
to move us in a more happy and healthy direction.
Now these are not distraction techniques,
but instead actions that we will take
that go against our unhealthy urges or patterns of behavior.
It could be leaving work on time,
oh, shocker, right,
instead of always staying really late.
Or challenging ourselves to say yes
to that person at work who's always asking
if we wanna go grab lunch with them.
Maybe it's allowing people to get to know us
a little bit better and not push them away so quickly.
What is it for you?
Think about it.
Write down some ideas and consider what would make you happy
if there wasn't any risk of it not turning out well
or anybody turning us down or being upset.
What would you do?
What would you prefer to do?
And finally, try it out.
This is by far the hardest part.
But we won't know if we don't try.
And this will work out best if before we even try,
so kind of a between step, between five and six,
is that we 1st build up our courage and self esteem.
Start speaking more kindly to yourself
at the end of each day,
talking about things you're grateful for, maybe.
Read and reread loving cards or letters
you've received over the years.
Go through happy photos that you've taken with friends.
Ask close friends to share with you why they like you.
I know this can be really awkward,
but just let them know that you're working on yourself
and wanting to feel better
and I have no doubt the real friends,
they'll be more than happy to help.
Once you begin to feel a bit better about yourself,
try out some of those new ideas.
Ask that colleague to grab lunch with you.
Try out that new painting class
that you've been eyeing.
Be honest with a friend
and let them get to know a little bit more about you.
Obviously it's still life
and things may not turn out perfectly.
I'm sorry.
I wish I could make is so that they would.
But that's okay.
With practice we will see what things
that we like and don't like,
what people we like and don't like,
and will begin to break free
from the confines of our past.
Just remember, children who had supportive
and loving fathers from the get,
got a chance to try out things,
succeed or fail and try again.
This video has been brought to you
by the Kinions on Patreon.
If you would like to support the creation
of these mental health videos,
click the link in the description
and check it out.
Give yourself the same time and patience
and know that it can get better.
Now, I know this is a lot to take in
and I don't even feel like I've covered
as much as I wanted to
so please let me know in the comments down below.
Are there things that you've tried
that have worked?
Are there things you've felt I left out?
Let's keep the conversation going
as we work together towards a healthy mind
and a healthy body.
And I will see you next time, bye.