AS A LATE-NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST, I WIELD TREMENDOUS POWER.
NOT TO BRAG, BUT I GET 15% OFF EVERYTHING AT THE CBS GIFT SHOP.
YES, EVEN "BIG BANG THEORY" BELTS.
IT'S EVERYTHING YOU LOVE ABOUT THE SHOW, IN BELT FORM!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT EVEN MY AWESOME POWER PALES
IN COMPARISON TO THE GREAT DESPOTS OF HISTORY:
GENGHIS KHAN.
MUAMMAR QADDAFI.
ASHTON KUTCHER.
( LAUGHTER ) BOW DOWN BEFORE HIS BOYISH
CHARM, LEST HIS HENCHMEN DRAG YOU OUT TO THE PUNKING FIELDS.
THESE MERCILESS TYRANTS HAVE BUT TWO THINGS IN COMMON: ONE,
DEMANDING TOTAL OBEDIENCE.
AND, TWO, A BIG FURRY HAT!
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW THAT THIS HAT IS UPON MY HEAD, I AM ENDOWED WITH
UNQUESTIONABLE POWER!
THIS IS DUE TO MY HAT'S TWO MAIN ATTRIBUTES: ITS BIGNESS AND ITS
FURRINESS.
REQUEST AND ALL PROCHANDLATIONS I MAKE WHILE WEARING THE HAT-- I
DID NOT MAKE A MISTAKE JUST NOW!
ARE NOW AND FOREVER LAW.
LET US BEGIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HENCEFORTH, IF SOMEONE REJECTS
YOU ON TINDER, THEY MUST WRITE A THREE-PAGE ESSAY ABOUT WHAT
MAKES THEM SO DAMN SPECIAL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FROM NOW ON, ANY TELEMARKETER WHO CALLS YOU DURING DINNER MUST
STAY ON THE PHONE AND LISTEN TO YOU EAT.
( APPLAUSE ) PEOPLE WHO BREW BEER IN THEIR
HOMES MAY NO LONGER CALL IT BEER.
THEY MUST CALL THEIR PRODUCT "SOUR FOAMY BUCKET DRINK."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IF YOUR CARRY-ON LUGGAGE IS TOO BIG TO FIT IN THE OVERHEAD
COMPARTMENT, YOU WILL BE PLACED UNDER THE SEAT IN FRONT OF YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HENCEFORTH, THERE SHALL BE NO MORE SCENES AFTER THE CREDITS.
IF IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO BE IN THE MOVIE, IT'S NOT GOOD
ENOUGH FOR ME TO WAIT AROUND FOR.
( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T CARE WHAT THOR IS DOING
NEXT.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE DAY A YEAR, McDONALDS MUST
SERVE AUTHENTIC SCOTTISH CUISINE.
( APPLAUSE ) SBARROS AND ARBY'S WILL BE
COMBINED INTO ONE RESTAURANT, KNOWN AS S'BARBYS.
HENCEFORTH, 50 IS THE NEW 40.
60 IS THE NEW 50.
70 IS THE NEW 60.
AND DEAD IS THE NEW 80.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE EXTRA DAY IN EVERY LEAP YEAR MUST BE SPENT LEAPING.
MATH IS TOO HARD.
FROM NOW ON, THE ANSWER IS SEVEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HENCEFORTH, TWO WRONGS DO MAKE A
RIGHT, THREE WRONGS MAKE A LEFT, AND TEN WRONGS GET YOU A FREE
SUB.
( APPLAUSE ) ANYONE USING THE PHRASE "AWESOME
SAUCE" WILL BE PUREED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE HAT HAS SPOKEN!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE GUERRILLA GIRLS.