I wanted to kick things off with a heartwarming
story tonight.
As a woman, it's always nice to see a father spending
real quality time with their daughter, especially when they
are such a busy career man.
Kim Jong-un, dictator and family man,
brought his daughter and wife to the military parade,
which featured more intercontinental ballistic
missiles than ever before.
Believed to be called Ju-ae, maybe 9 or 10 years old,
this is the fifth public event for Kim's daughter since
November-- the only one of his children to be shown
in public, fueling speculation he may be
grooming her for succession.
At elementary-school age, she already outranks her room full
of senior military officers.
Uh, I didn't know that Kim Jong-un had a daughter.
And judging from this photo, it looks like he's
got another bun in the oven.
Yes, this girl is speculated to become Kim's successor.
Who would have ever thought that North
Korea would have a female leader before America?
[cheering, applause]
And she's a minority.
I have to say, I am so sick of these nepo babies.
First, we have Lily-Rose Depp, and then Willow Smith,
and now, this girl?
Whatever happened to becoming a nuke-wielding tyrant on merit?
You know how many girls are out there, working hard, learning
how to fire missiles and starve an entire population, who
will never have an opportunity to lead a regime?
Also, to all the men out there who think fedoras are cute,
I want you to know that this is what you look like.
It is not a good look, especially
when you're shaped like a giant Cabbage Patch Kid.
Let's move on to the man who invented Cabbage
Patch Kids, George Santos.
Earlier this week, he was roasted at the State
of the Union by Utah Senator and silver fox, Mitt Romney.
And apparently, Georgie didn't appreciate it.
Meanwhile, Santos is firing back at Senator Mitt Romney
after they clashed at the State of the Union.
Romney said Santos should be embarrassed,
and should have sat in the back and stayed quiet.
It's not the first time in history
that I've been told to shut up and go
to the back of the room, especially by people who come
from a privileged background.
And I think it's reprehensible that the Senator
would say such a thing to me in the demeaning way he said it.
It wasn't very Mormon of him.
That's what I can tell you.
[laughter]
[whines]
First of all, you can't complain about people coming
from a privileged background when
you dress like Young Sheldon.
You're saying that wasn't very Mormon?
Mitt Romney is so Mormon, that whatever he does
is the Mormon thing to do.
He is the King of the Mormons.
All Mormons are mad at you right now.
And as a Jewish person, I'm going to take a leap of faith
and speak on behalf of all Jews and say, we're mad at
you, too.
Even the Dalai Lama is like, oh, this mother [bleeps]??
I like how he says it's not the first time he's been told
to go to the back of the room.
It sounded like he was about to say, African-Americans
like me were told to go to the back for years, but we
said, no.
At the same time, though, George Santos
is an absolute bitch, and I love it.
I'm going to miss him.
I'm going to miss him when he's in prison in two months.
Let's move on to the latest way that dumb people
are spending their lives.
People will do just about anything
for clicks on social media, but this is really stupid.
Jumping from the highest point possible,
and intentionally landing in the water with a belly flop.
It's a stunt so terrifying, they're
calling it death diving.
It's extreme belly-flopping, and ouch, does it hurt.
The higher the jump, the more the clicks.
This guy is jumping off a roof into a pool, belly first.
This video alone has nearly 44 million views.
Watch as she throws herself off of a platform
81 feet in the air.
Experts say, definitely don't do it.
There's potential for a lot of injuries.
They could crack a rib.
Their internal organs could separate.
This trend was brought to you by White Claw--
[laughter, applause]
--the preferred drink for white people
who want to do stupid shit.
And by the way, I don't want to nitpick the way people are
trying to kill themselves, but it's not really a belly flop
unless you spread your arms out like this.
I see you guys tucking in at the last second.
Do you want to separate your internal organs, or don't you!
I love-- I love how experts say, definitely don't do it.
Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
And by the way, you guys don't have to push things this far
to go viral.
You can just ski down a mountain topless, like I do.
[cheering, applause]
On the other hand, if all the young hot blonde women
want to belly-flop to their deaths,
have fun, because it's less competition for me.
And finally, let's move on to our big international story
for the week, the impending Cold
War between Joe Biden and Xi--
Xi-- and China.
The massive recovery effort now underway,
unmanned underwater vehicles seeking out wreckage
from the balloon's huge technology bay,
the size of three buses.
Those vehicles also searching for possible explosives.
A senior US official tells me, the balloon had
a self-destruct capability.
As the US collects debris, and with it information,
China today declaring the airship
does not belong to the United States, but to China.
The Biden administration making it clear
they're not getting it back.
[bleep] you, China.
[cheering, applause]
You sent the balloon over here to spy on us, we found it,
and now, it's ours.
You don't get to demand that we return it, just
like the guy who attacked Nancy Pelosi's husband
doesn't get his hammer back.
And I don't know about you guys,
but I'm not scared about this supposed
explosive, self-destructing capability on a balloon.
All balloons have a self-destructing capability.
It's called deflating.
Also, it doesn't belong to us?
I'm sorry, China, but that's confusing.
OK?
Usually, when you release things,
it's for the entire world to enjoy, like COVID.
For more on the balloon cleanup,
we go now to Michael Kosta at the scene of the wreckage.
Michael, what's going on?
What's going on, Michael?
Chelsea, I'm here in the debris
field, which is 7 miles wide, and it just keeps expanding.
One thing experts have learned during this cleanup
is that water moves.
So how is the recovery going?
Not great.
It's hard to distinguish the spy balloon debris
from debris like this that just seems
to always be in the ocean.
It's sad, but there's absolutely
nothing we can do about it.
Well, is there any way that we
would ever have to give any piece
of the balloon back to China?
How dare you, Chelsea?
America has full rights to the balloon
under the historic doctrine of Finders Keepers,
which, of course, was later amended
to include Losers Weepers.
However, under UN law, if America fails
to declare no backsies, China can
call dibs, provided that before they launch the balloon,
they licked it.
OK.
Well, thank you for your legal expertise, Michael.
One last question-- how much longer will the recovery take?
It might be a while.
I mean, the search is being hampered by all the TikTokkers
who are death-diving into this debris field,
and the Navy is doing--
god damn it.
Come on, guys, I'm doing a report.
You know what really pisses me off, Chelsea?
Is that they're not even belly-flopping.
They're tucking in at the last second.
That's what I was saying!
I know!
It's like they don't even want to separate
their internal organs.
[splashing]
God damn it!
Oh, my god.
Look what I found.
I think I found a piece of the balloon!
Hey, Navy guys, is this something?
Be careful, Michael, that might be
the self-destructing part of the balloon
they were talking about.
The self-destructing part of the what?
I--
[explosion]
Well, I'm sure he'll be OK.
Michael Kosta, everyone.