I HAVE A
CONFESSION TO MAKE, THIS MAY NOT BE A POPULAR OPINION, BUT I LIKE
ZOOS.
I LIKE ANIMALS, I LIKE WALKING ON SLIGHT INCLINES.
I LIKE CHURROS, PLUS ZOO IS MY BEST SCRABBLE WORD, WHICH BRINGS
US TO TONIGHT'S SEGMENT, SHUT UP, ZOOS ARE GOOD.
ZOOS ARE GOOD.
I MEAN, SURE, NOT ALL OF THEM ARE GREAT, BUT OVERALL THEY'RE A
NET POSITIVE, AND IN RECENT YEARS, THEY'VE GOTTEN EVEN
BETTER.
I THINK THOSE ARGUMENTS OF ZOOS BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM
AND USING ANIMALS WAS TRUE IN THE '40s, '50s, '60s, IN THE
LAST 10 OR 15 YEARS, THE WORLD HAS CHANGED AND A LOT OF ZOOS
HAVE WOKEN UP TO THAT.
I WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN MY KID TO THE ZOO IN THE '50s AND '60s,
WHO WANTS TO SEE SOME MALE EXECUTIVE GIRAFFE HARASS HIS
SECRETARY AND LOCK HIMSELF IN HIS OFFICE AND BROAD OVER WHAT
HAPPENED IN KOREA?
MODERN ZOOS ARE GOOD.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SHITTY ROADSIDE TOURIST ZOOS, EVERY
GOOD THING HAS A SHIT VERSION OF IT, SEX IS AWESOME UNLESS IT'S
AWFUL.
ACTUALLY, BAD SEX AND BAD ZOOS ARE VERY SIMILAR.
THEY'RE CRAMPED OVER PRICED, EVERYONE'S SHOVING AT EACH OTHER
AND YELLING WHY WHERE IS IT, I CAN'T SEE IT.
OF COURSE YOU CAN'T SEE IT, YOU'VE ALL BEEN YELLING TOO MUCH
AND IT'S GONE TO SLEEP.
GOOD ZOOS AREN'T JUST TOURIST ATTRACTIONS, THEY'RE CRUCIAL TO
MANY SPECIES SURVIVAL.
DOZENS OF ZOOS IN AMERICA PARTICIPATE IN THE SURVIVAL
PROGRAM.
WHICH CONCENTRATES ON FINDING DWINDLING POPULATIONS AND
GROWING THEM UNTIL THEY ARE READY TO BE RELEASED INTO THEIR
NATURAL HABITAT.
YES, ZOOS BRING ANIMALS TOGETHER AND GET THEM TO
[ BLEEP ].
NO, IT MIGHT BE BETTER FOR THE UGLIER OF THE TWO ANIMALS.
OH, OH, SO YOU'RE THE NEW GIRL?
HOW ARE YOU DOING THERE.
LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND THE ENCLOSURE, THERE'S THIS BIT, AND
I POO OVER THERE.
YOU CAN POO THERE TOO, I LIKE YOU.
OW, OW, OW, OW, WHAT'S THIS, IS THAT AN ERECTION?
BETTER DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT, PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.
LET'S GIVE THEM A SHOW.
SOME ZOOS HAVE SAVED ENTIRE SPECIES FROM THE ENDANGERED
LIST, INCLUDING THE ARABIAN ORYX AND THE OREGON SPOTTED FROG.
CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT THE OREGON SPOTTED FROG?
HOLY SHIT, WE HAVE TO SAVE THAT [ BLEEP ] FROG.
BUT PETER DOESN'T SEE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD
ZOOS.
ALL ZOOS LOCK ANIMALS IN CAPTIVITY.
FIRST OF ALL, GOOD ZOO ISN'T THAT CRAMPED, SECOND OF ALL,
SOME ANIMALS LIKE BEING BORED, LIKE KA WITH A LAS ARE LOVING IT
IN THE ZOO, THEY SLEEP FOR 22 HOURS A DAY, AND EAT A FEW
LEAVES.
BEING BORED IS THEIR JAM.
THOSE KOALAS ARE HAVING A TIME.
ALTHOUGH WHALES IN CAPTIVITY ARE NOT HAVING A WHALE OF A TIME.
GOOD ZOOS GIVE THEM AN EXCELLENT QUALITY OF LIFE.
TAKE IT FROM JANE GOODALL.
WHEN YOU GO TO A REALLY GOOD ZOO, WHICH HAS A BIG OUTSIDE
ENCLOSURE, THEN YOU THINK, ACTUALLY, IF I WAS A CHIMP, I'D
PROBABLY RATHER BE HERE THAN IN ALL THESE DANGEROUS SITUATIONS
IN THE WILD.
YEAH, THE WILD IS TERRIBLE.
THERE'S PREDATORS AND FOOD SHORTAGES, THE WORLD IS A
[ BLEEP ] MESS.
ZOO ANIMALS SHOULD THANK US EVERY DAY FOR DESTROYING THEIR
NATURAL HABITAT AND TEACHING THEM THE WONDERS OF THE INDOORS
MUCH AND KNOWING ALL THE GOOD THAT ZOOS CAN DO, IF THE IDEA
STILL DOESN'T SIT RIGHT WITH YOU, LET ME PROPOSE A
COMPROMISE.
ONCE A YEAR WE STAY IN THE ZOO ENCLOSURES AND LET THE ANIMALS
COME AND STARE AT US.
MY LIFE IS ALREADY VERY SIMILAR TO THAT OF A ZOO AN 3458.
I SIT OR STAND IN A SPOT AND MAKE NOISES WHILE PEOPLE I DON'T
KNOW WATCH ME FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.
WHEN THE DAY IS DONE, I HEAD BACK TO MY ENCLOSURE WHERE A
TRAINED PROFESSIONAL FEEDS ME RAW VEGETABLES AND FISH.
IT'S NOT PERFECT, BUT IT'S A DAMN GOOD LIFE.
IN CONCLUSION, SHUT UP, ZOOS ARE GOOD.
THE GOOD ONES DO AMAZING WORK, AND I THINK THE ABUSIVE ROADSIDE
ZOOS SHOULD BE SHUT DOWN, BECAUSE WE CAN ALL AGREE, THAT
KEEPING LIVING CREATURES IN SHITTY OLD METAL CAGES IS
[ BLEEP ]ED UP.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
A KID BEING HELD AT THE DETENTION CENTER WHO WILL NEVER
SEE HIS PARENTS AGAIN.
I'M HAVING A WHALE OF A TIME, JIM.