'Well it looks like our guests are finally arriving.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘This is the ant, treat it with respect’
Okay.
‘Have you ever taken a good close look at what an ant is all about?’
I really haven’t and I now feel bad about that.
Borrowing a title and little else from H. G. Wells’ short story,
Empire of the Ants was directed by B Movie legend Bert I. Gordon,
who passed away recently at the age of 100.
We open with a lesson in labour relations from Joan Collins.
‘You’re so terrific in the sack it almost justifies the excessive salary that I have to pay you.’
Real slap in the face to the guy on minimum wage.
‘Think that’ll please the bitch?’
Nothing else I do seems to work
Collins is a dodgy developer pimping beachfront land to a group of prospective buyers.
‘It’s beautiful here isn’t it.’
It looks absolutely freezing.
Let’s meet them. The tight wad,
‘Cheap scotch’
The princess,
‘I cashed in my fur coat and all the other little knick knacks’
The brat,
‘I’ve got a job that pays 30 a year, I own a two bedroom condominium, a 10k sports car, a wife and 4 year old kid who thinks I'm God.'
and…
'Loosen up eh.'
‘Let me go!’
You’ve heard of a ship of fools? This is a boat of jerks.
'Oh shut up.'
But their priorities are about change…
Ants are messing with radioactive waste we saw dumped earlier.
The tour begins,
'I'm certain you will realise what amazing value we have here.'
Though there’s nothing to do here at the moment but enjoy the scenery.
‘You will notice that we have carefully persevered the natural beauty of dreamland shores’
Are we talking about the same place?
‘Almost looks like one of those romantic places you see in old movies.’
Like Swamp Thing or Boggy Creek.
But suddenly they have more to worry about than getting fleeced by Joan Collins.
'My God.'
Oblivious to the screaming the tour continues and we delve deeper into the characters.
‘I’m an old man.’
Until…
A grim discovery sends them back to the beach.
Boy the DTs are hitting me today.
They try to save the boat.
I’m looking for a real estate investment.
Fire keeps the ants away but now the rain comes.
‘A river north of here about 2 miles.’
There’s a building behind you.
Actually they addressed this the night before.
‘Why don’t we go into the old beach house, we’ll safe in there.'
‘Without that fire those thing will be inside with us within 2 minutes.’
And starting a fire in there would really ruin the movie.
So they strike out into the jungle.
'Larry wait.'
Which goes well.
‘Let’s go this way.’
It’s our turn to die,
Let’s see your terrific love-making get you out of this.
The survivors make it to the river and the film briefly becomes a cross between Apocalypse Now and Predator.
What about the old couple?
‘I told you we’d be safe. They’re gone now’
Oh you are tempting fate.
Surprise!
‘I hope that nice old couple got away.’
Yeah, me too.
There are some tense moments in this section but it does feel a little forced.
‘Hold it!’
‘What is it?’
‘Nah. Nothing.’
and repetitive.
‘I just don’t care what the rest of you do, I am going to go in this direction’
Because all they can do is run into ants, then run away into more ants. But…
'they don't us to go that way and they don't want us to go back the way we came.'
‘Oh my God, they’re herding us like cattle’
Interesting. Finally they hit civilisation and it’s time for a pair of classic Dark Corners break out characters.
the American Gothic couple.
'You folk look like you have been out in that storm all night.'
Bert I Gordon is experienced enough to know that you gotta change it up somewhen,
and the latter half of the movie is like a 1950s monster flick wandered into a 1970s paranoid thriller.
‘Giant ants, that’s hard to believe. Never thought I’d live to see the day.’
The police believing them ought to be a warning sign. ‘
Ah, the sugar refinery’
Boy, that seems like an accident waiting to happen.
But something’s wrong here.
‘Son of a bitch lied to us. He said they were going to go downriver to look for the ants’
And they can’t leave or even make a call.
Desperate, they steal a car but…
And…
Now them Duke boys is going to suffer some catastrophic injuries.
The cops take them to the refinery, and not just them,
must be ant time.
What’s going on?
‘After their indoctrination they realise the ants only want us to take care of them.’
One of my problems with this film is that this arrangement must have taken time.
‘Every week the people must be brought back here to be indoctrinated again’
but the little ants are in the toxic waste the same day this happens.
Watching it back, I realised.
The barrel washes up, but then it’s rusty when we see the little ants.
So; time has passed, other ants already did this.
So it adds up, but it’s tremendously misleading.
Anyway…
Every morning Joan Collins is gassed to make her pliable enough to take direction,
'Don't you see, we mustn't disobey them.'
and there’s the requisite explosive finale.
Now, no one does giant animals like Bert I Gordon but you can clearly see the presence of a sheet of glass,
because dust gets down it and ants crawl up it.
I’m minded to be generous on that front.
But I do find myself in two minds on this film,
partly out of sentiment but also because it is trying to do something different with the giant animal genre.
‘Is that bad?’
I think it fails, bringing in the indoctrination so late in the day but it tried.
‘You’re trying to find fault aren’t you?’
I’m trying not to but, bottom line; this isn’t as much fun as the films Gordon made in the 50s.
'This is a fraud, just like I said. These people are dishonest.'
Thanks for watching. For more Bert I. Gordon reviews click here.
If you want a good giant ants film try Them! What other films suffer from having a similar and better counterpart?
Let us know in the comments below.
'We're never going to get of here.'