Namaste, bitches!
So it's been about a month since TFNation 2018
blasted through my life like a juggernaut of joy and hugs-
-and I, for one, am still deeply embroiled in the marvellous hot pink G2-themed afterglow.
So today we're chillin' with my top G2 find of the weekend.
This is Fearswoop.
Party over here swoop!
So Fearswoop - AKA Black Omen, awesome - was one of the Trakkons:
a hugely obscure Decepticon substrata consisting only of himself
and the equally quietly forgotten Calcar.
And, like most of the G2 fam, they were MASSIVELY mediocre li'l bots
defined by a clumsy, overbearing gimmick
which they also shared with the Autobot Lightformers.
Namely the true punk underground badass Deftwing
and the shameless corporate sellout Ironfist.
And what's curious about this cultish cabal
is that they actually bridged G1 and G2.
I mean, I'm sure I've talked about the whole "G1.5" thing more than I have actual G1.
But this is some whole other shit!
Like Fearswoop and his mob actually had two separate, identical releases on either side of the G2 divide.
And, unlike the returning '84 and '85 dudes, Fearswoop didn't even have to
[♫ dubstep playing ♫] get extreme
F-Swizzle was always born extreme. Recognize!
But sadly, that's just about the most interesting thing about him.
Like, character-wise he's a smidge thin.
I mean, his bio basically begins and ends with his name.
Can fly,
is bad.
That's it.
And as a bot he's little more than a super simple Seeker-alike,
suspiciously similar to the previous year's Predators.
Specifically Falcon.
Like, he is Falcon. Look at this shit!
He's just Falcon.
Falcon awesome.
Ha!
At the very least, though, Fearswoop's packed his own wardrobe
with some fiercely Fresh Prince-ass colors
serving Karl Kani realness with the tropical turquoise,
sickening scarlet,
and Vitalite yellow.
And shape-wise he's practically made of sass.
Like, the bod's basically a big yellow down arrow
with a giant gleamy crotch gem.
He's got the head of a pint-sized Skyquake
complete with black licorice forehead,
weird radiator funnel mouth,
and some apocalyptic snot green light piping.
Arms are basically two lumpy plastic poles with holes
and the least possible amount of ratcheting.
Two whole detents!
Legs are just a big single gray block
with tiny yellow pop socks
and an inexplicable anti-fun ankle conjoiner post.
So he'll never dance the can-can, but he's respectful as shit!
And the rest of the jet just folds down his back like a novelty Air Force-themed pyjama cape.
And that's kind of it for actual him.
Like he's a charming enough man of his time, but there's nothing really going on cuz it's G2, baby,
so it's of course up to the gimmicks to sell the whole charade!
So as a Trakkon, Fearswoop's packin' this giant dumbass light box balanced on a monopod.
I don't even know what to call this thing.
I mean, it doesn't seem related to Fearswoop, like even thematically,
but I guess it puts on a pretty sweet Star Wars arcade-ass light show
along with some bracing "pom-pom" action.
[Imitating gunfire] pom pom pom pom pom pom pom pom
Look, you know me. I love a good light piping-based gimmick!
I friggin' lost it for the Megavisor, and I do sort of enjoy this thing,
but this has to be the WORST way to execute it in the context of a Transformer toy.
Like it's not even kind of integrated!
It's pretty much an entirely separate item that just happens to be packaged with a robot.
And because Fearswoop himself is so bloody basic, it's pretty much THIS thing carrying the whole show!
So Fearswoop's robot mode gets a low-level thumbs up just for being passively polite.
But this thing? I mean, it is kind of fun in a way, but why?
[♫ metal music playing ♫]
Transformation is an extremely standard flip-and-slip with echoes of
-guess who-
Falcon!
Shocker!
And the jet mode is, I believe, the first ever F-22 Raptor in Transformers!
Suck it, Screamer!
So it's a pretty slick and somewhat cutesy little air beast with gorgeous, swooshing wing lines
and a lush, crystally cockpit with an extraordinary overbite.
Deco's got a distinctly phoned-in feeling
with a hasty smattering of oddly low-effort sculpting
and some admittedly sorta swish stickers
featuring unreadable garbled nonsense
and this not-terribly-Transformer-y medieval emblemage.
But no Decepticon badge?
Undercarriage is a bit of an unsightly mess
and the shoulders even break through to the topside!
But at least he's got landing gear!
That's something!
Back end looks a touch bizarre with this giant thigh gap absence area.
And yes, inevitably, it's all so that this giant weapon-construct thing
can clamp on there for some bloody reason.
Now, it's not like this kind of thing's unprecedented, especially in G2.
I mean, what about Clench?
HE'S got a massive impractical weapon that makes up half his mass
and everyone loves him.
But here's the difference: Clench is a truck.
He's SUPPOSED to be big and lumpy
and cart around a giant potentially weaponisable payload.
But Fearswoop just looks like some dumbass toy aeroplane
with a bungalow jammed up its bumhole.
Also, isn't he supposed to be, like, a master of stealth?
What is stealthy about this?
Are the Autobots just not gonna believe their eyes when they see a margarine jet fighter
towing a miniature cinema?
And the cinema's armed??
But I guess with the leg down his mates could use him
as, like, a promotional Decepticon standee?
I don't know, man.
This whole thing just gives him the air of some shifty amusement arcade.
Like some kind of hyperactive, neon, coin-operated peep show.
But I guess that's the essence of G2!
Like it was barely even about the robots.
There always had to be a light show.
Or a voice box.
Or a water gun.
Or a spinning top?!
Why does everything have to be something?
But look, man, at this point Hasbro weren't thinking about brand legacy.
They were just trying to maintain a fading toy property
in a decade defined by over-stimulation.
Kids didn't want cool-ass Diaclone robots anymore.
They wanted louder! Brighter!
More colors! More action, less effort!
They didn't want Superted and The Beano,
they wanted Sonic and Pogs!
And that, my friends, is how we get to Fearswoop.
Like, he's somehow both too simple and a bit much
but, like, I can't not love him.
I mean, he's not gonna change your world.
But he's a lively lemony slice of everything that was brilliantly bollocks about 1993
and who am I to ask any more of him than that?
What is it the rap singers say?
"Don't hate the player, hate the deregulation of American domestic markets
and the exploitation of children through targeted advertising disguised as entertainment.
Naaah mean?"
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Limited appeal, keeping it real.
♫ Science! ♫