[THEME MUSIC]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[PHONE VIBRATING]
Ah.
[PHONE VIBRATING] Yo, hello?
Yo, Vince, Lil' Vin--
yeah, listen-- listen, I've got your money.
Who is Lil' Vince?
No, this is Donovan Ray, your buddy from Showtime.
Oh, [LAUGHS] no, I was just-- that was part of-- that was
like a bit I was working on for the new
season about being in gambling debt and being
in fearing for my life.
Yeah, listen, the only thing is, in order to do season two,
we need the two of you to be at the show.
And right now, neither of you are there.
So what-- I mean, "what's going on?"
is what everyone is asking.
Actually, I was going to call you.
Because I need $85,000 if you have it.
Uh-huh.
I took a little prop bet on the Super Bowl yesterday.
I bet that Pat Mahomes would show up with straight
back cornrows and he didn't.
OK, well, that was a bad bet.
Yeah.
Typically, I would say to not bet on NFL players' hairstyles.
You know what I mean?
They tend to be erratic.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, [BEEP BEEP] hold on, I've got
Desus on the other line, yeah.
[BEEP] Desus, my man, how's it going?
Happy new "yurrr."
Right?
Namaste.
How is it going?
You're now speaking with Desus, D. Nice.
Hey listen, buddy.
Where are you at?
My friend, I've been studying tantric sex, OK?
I've been having sex for four months now without ever
ejaculating.
Time is not something that I worry about.
Right, I'm going to bring the two of you together.
Just this is going to be great.
Desus and Mero, you're on with Donovan Ray and each other.
Oh shit, D, what's good, baby?
De lo mio!
Now listen, this brand is too strong.
These streets need this heat.
My boys, my men, let's-- let's do this.
Get me that $80,000 and we're good to go.
I'm transcended, but I'm still from the Bronx.
There we go.
Yes.
Oh, I did it.
Bye.
I am good at my job.
[EXHALE]
[HIP HOP MUSIC]
You ready?
- Blessings. - Get the shmoney.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm ready.
Let's go.
Ready, ready?
CREW: OK, you guys, and 3, 2, 1.
[CHEERING]
Ah!
What up, what up, what up, what up, what up?
Yeah!
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
What's shaking?
Wow. Hello.
What up?
Hey, what up, top?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
What up, what up, what up, what up?
BX in the building.
Yeah.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Yeah.
Welcome to season two.
Would have shook more hands, but, you know?
We would have shook more hands, but we're not trying to get
the coronavirus, so, you know?
You know what I'm saying?
What's going on? What's shaking?
If you've got some Brugal virus, I'll take that.
There you go.
Yeah, we do-- if you ride the train, you should be fine.
You can't get coronavirus.
Mm-mm, mm.
Like, if you hold onto the pole ever, hey.
I've got every virus.
Yeah.
They say I've got coronavirus, the Bud Light virus.
You like our new set?
Yeah!
[CHEERING] Yeah.
It's like when you move in the Bronx.
It's like, OK, it's another bodega, shit.
You've got to learn Papi's name on shit.
Yo.
If you're white, he's going to call you snowflake.
Yo, hey.
Ah, snowflake, aw, dawg.
Hey, man, that's my blanquito.
Oh, so many besos, oh.
Yeah, hey.
Oh, you so pretty.
I should leave my wife for you.
Wife, oh, hey, I would do that if you want to do that.
Check mic.
Damn, we forgot out how to make TV.
Yo, shit's crazy.
Damn, yeah, for real.
Look at all these pit stops and shit.
What did we do during break?
Woo, edibles.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
A lot of relaxation, you know what I mean?
A lot of--
--a lot of risky things about not coming back, you know,
taking gambling debts.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, spend some time with the secret family.
Shout out to them.
Shout out to y'all.
No, they-- we've come to an understanding.
They can only be seen during the breaks of the show.
THE KID MERO: You know what I'm saying?
It's some Hollywood thing.
You know, it's cool.
But, like you said, it's regular, normal Hollywood
things. It's just that like--
DESUS NICE: It's like the army reserves, like two
weekends a year, you know?
You've got your family and then you've
got your auxiliary family. - Exactly.
You know what I'm saying? They're not allowed--
Daddy is always available On Demand.
Hey.
You know what I'm saying?
Download the app, kid, you stupid motherfucker.
You know when you feel that bad, it's like,
oh, oh, I had bad day at school, Showtime.
Showtime, hey.
Oh, you had a bad day?
Watch the warm-up, you little bastard.
I got your mom pregnant by accident.
AUDIENCE: Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
[BUZZER]
This is our new thing, the problematic light.
It's for when one of us says something problematic.
So we also nicknamed it Mero's light.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, I watched the entire thing front to back.
It was super like deep and like it really resonated with me
as such a huge fan of her music and somebody
who grew up, really, in the Bronx just like, you know,
just that like, just that, you know,
those parallels between our lives.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
It's called "Miss Americana?"
Oh.
That sounds like a racist pageant I shouldn't be at.
God damn.
It's like, well, next up, the hog tying contest.
I'm like, I walk in right when they're doing blackface.
Everyone is like, "Yo, oh."
Yo.
"Wow, this is embarrassing."
He wins, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.
I'm like, "This is my actual skin."
"That's not you, Craig."
That's not Craig.
That's not you, Craig.
"Miss Americana," Taylor Swift.
Oh god damn.
JULIA: So you didn't-- - No, no, no.
No, no.
Netflix is giving motherfuckers bags, bro.
Like, yo. Have you done anything ever?
At some point, we're going to turn on Netflix
and they're going to have like a documentary about us
that we didn't even approve.
We didn't even approve.
"Behind the Brand."
"Behind the Brand: the Bronx Story of Two
Miscreants from the Bronx Who Made It Big."
Yeah, because, you know--
It just says the Bronx and then it's like dot dot dot.
Dot dot dot, et cetera, et cetera.
The hot goss?
The hot goss, what?
That fucking super-- yeah.
JULIA: Mm-hm.
Let's do it.
- G-Eazy, yeah. - G-Eazy?
Yeah.
What?
G-Eazy celebrated Black History Month by smooching
on Megan Thee Stallion.
Look at that.
Oh!
Wow.
Oh!
- Wow. - Wow.
That's business.
Look at this real-time gentrification.
Wow.
- She's over it. - Oh.
He's like [NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM].
He's loving that chocolate too.
Oh, I love you, [NOMNOMNOMNOM]..
This is somewhere between love and a hate crime, like.
Feel.
I'm not sure.
Yo, this is fucking love and it's not, like yo.
Like if you bang with interracial couples,
you're like this, this is cute.
This is cute.
She's just doing what she has to do, right?
Who was she dating before?
Because I feel like for her to--
Moneybagg Yo.
I mean--
Is that his government name?
I mean, shit, like he gets pulled over.
He's like, I'm Moneybagg Yo!
I'm Mrs. Yo.
Woo.
Death.
Damn.
Like, I'm not dating a white guy.
And I'm not dating a white guy that raps.
Like, come on.
Yo.
There are levels to shit.
That's-- that's-- yeah, like if you're like
a white guy and you've got like a folk band--
- Even that. - --do you know what I'm saying?
I'm like, all right, cool. That's cool.
I'll be like, yo, I'll hold my nigga down.
He makes IPAs. But nah--
You know what I'm saying?
Now, if he's a rapper.
Yo fam, and not like this.
Imagine-- imagine I've got to come
home to a white man like, "Yo, you didn't go
look for a job today?" - He's like, "Yo--"
"You laying tracks?"
"Yo, listen, listen, yo, yo, yo, yo, put the beat down.
Lay the beat."
"No, we're not doing this, Jeremy."
"Uh, yo, check it, yo, I'm oppressed too."
This is--
You know what I'm saying?
That just is a weird show.
On Showtime they were like, if "The L Word" works, I mean?
Machine Gun Kelly.
Can we try--
Julia-- can we turn on Julia's mic for a second.
I just want to see the difference.
Yeah, turn it on.
Yeah.
OK relax, relax, naughty America.
I mean--
What the fuck?
JULIA: Is there a way to--
I just said turn it on.
You're like, "Turn it on?"
Like--
Testing, testing.
Can you turn it up just a little?
One, two, spit a freestyle.
Yo.
Do a Black History Month freestyle.
Yo yo.
Go Julia.
Black history, Black history.
[BEAT BOXING]
JULIA: I respect--
Tell us about Donald-- tell us--
I was about to say Donald Glover--
Dr. Carver, the peanut guy.
The peanut guy.
The guy that invented peanuts.
Charles Schulz?
Yes, today's Black History Month hero is Charles Schulz.
Charles Schulz, doing so much with peanuts.
OK, our favorite African-American,
his son was Franklin.
Yo, yo!
Yo, they always-- yo, listen--
They always did Franklin dirty.
They always did Franklin dirty all the time.
In any picture that you see, Franklin was like
on the other side of the table.
Except there's a picture of Charles--
I was gonna-- Charles Barkley--
Charlie Brown dapping off Franklin like, yo, my nigga.
- Yo, yo, I fucks with you. - So, yeah, yeah.
I thought you were going to say go way beyond it,
be like yo.
Nah, they did a blood set and all that shit.
Oh shit.
It really exists.
Google Franklin dapping up Charlie Brown.
I don't know if Google uses that technology.
"Calvin and Hobbes" is lit.
No, I have a peanut allergy.
[LAUGHTER]
[BUZZER]
"Calvin and Hobbes" is cool, but you got--
see, look at him, dapping him up like, yeah, my nigga, yeah.
- Yeah, what's good? - What's up?
Ah, ah, ah, 40 block, you know that gang.
Ah.
Feel that shit, my nigga.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Be like yo.
You feel me?
And Franklin's wild smacked.
You know what I'm saying? He's like yo.
God damn.
You're on the fucking vibes.
He was like, none of that shit.
Yeah, I was out there smoking with Snoopy going
where's your bitch sister?
Ah.
Yo, yo, son, I ain't even going to hold you.
That was crazy, bro.
Yo, yo, Sally was giving that top, you know what I'm saying?
About to start calling it Sally instead of Becky.
You feel me?
[BUZZER]
[LAUGHTER]
Do you almost get a flag on that one?
JULIA: Almost.
Flag on the play.
Yo.
Yeah, let's get it.
Apparently not.
Y'all want to-- y'all ready to see the show?
- What? - Yeah!
[CHEERING]
All right.
[APPLAUSE]
THE KID MERO: Yo.
DESUS NICE: Woo.