Welcome to The Daily Show.
I am your host, Marlon Wayans.
I know you're asking yourself, how the [bleep]
did I become the host?
Well, they spun a wheel with all the Wayans's name on it,
and it landed on me.
[laughter, applause]
That's right.
As you know, my entire family is in the business.
We're like the Trumps, except my dad doesn't
want to [bleep] my sister.
[laughter]
All right, let's get into headlines.
[music playing]
It was a great weekend for comedy specials.
I know my brother Chris Rock had his thing.
And I also had a new special come out.
[applause]
God Loves Me, available right now on HBO Max.
Brothers, you can't bootleg streaming.
But you can share passwords.
Ha.
But let's be real.
The funniest comedy special last weekend
was the CPAC, or as I like to call it, crazy white people.
If you don't know about it, it's
an annual event with all the Karens
and their husbands come together
and they complain about the rest of us.
The Karens and the Darrens.
And we watched it so you didn't have to.
The Biden administration sucks.
This can never be said at a Democrat gathering.
Look at all the beautiful women here.
Wokeness is a virus more dangerous
than any pandemic hands down.
We will support baby boomers.
And we will support baby bonuses for a new baby boom.
How does that sound?
That sounds pretty--
I want a baby boom.
To use a strong couple of words, insane asylum.
Insane asylum.
That's where-- anybody see Silence of the Lambs?
That's where they come from.
Check under your seats.
If there happens to be a gold chocolate
bar underneath there, that's a VIP--
oh, I'm not joking.
That's a VIP ticket to my father's reception tomorrow
at CPAC.
[laughter, booing]
What the [bleep] is with his fingers?
Why does he have hot dog fingers from Everything,
Everywhere, All At Once?
[laughter, applause]
It looks like 10 limp dicks playing piano.
I like how Donald Jr.'s always like, Democrats
are pedophiles.
Anyway, if you come with me, I'll give you chocolate.
Shh.
But you know what?
I'd like to invite everyone here
to look under their seats.
Please, go ahead.
Look under your seats.
Look.
Does anyone see my AirPods?
I've been looking all over for them.
I hate those little tricky white bitches.
The worst part about the stunt is that Trump was leaving
chocolate bars on the floor.
You know who's going to find that?
A rat.
A rat is going to show up and be like,
where the [bleep] is Donald?
[laughter]
I got ideas, man.
[bleep] border wall.
We need a border maze.
If they get past that, bam, sticky pads, bitch.
[laughter, applause]
But it wasn't just Don Jr. All these people are wilding.
Some of those guys was throwing shots, too.
It went from CPAC to Tupac real quick.
They were like, first off, [bleep] pronouns
and the gender you claim.
And some of that shit make no sense at all.
Like Nikki Haley said, wokeness is more
dangerous than a pandemic.
I never had to miss two weeks of work because of wokeness.
And I'm damn sure Herman Cain didn't
die because he walked into a gender neutral bathroom.
[laughter, applause]
Now let's move on to sports.
We all know the NBA stopped calling players
for carrying a long time ago.
But, apparently, you can still get
in trouble for carrying a gun.
REPORTER 1: Memphis Grizzlies standout point guard Ja Morant
is facing scrutiny after appearing
to flash a gun in a video shared on his Instagram live.
REPORTER 2: The Grizzlies announcing the all-star will
be sitting out at least two games
as the NBA conducts an investigation of what he did
live on Instagram, seen here showing
off a gun at a nightclub hours after his team lost
Friday night.
Morant has since apologized, saying in a statement,
"I'm going to take some time away
to get help and work on learning
better methods of dealing with stress
and my overall well-being."
[laughter]
I'm sorry, but that [bleep] don't look stressed at all.
Look at all the stress on his face.
I've never seen somebody so stressed.
[bleep] this is stress.
[laughs] How is that even an explanation?
I pulled the gun out because I was stressed.
So is that, like, an emotional support gun?
Like, who grabs a gun because you're stressed?
[bleep] you never heard of chamomile?
I'm just saying, I think mental health issues
have been too destigmatized.
Even guys trying to act gangster are like, yo,
I'm going to let you off because my therapist
says this is misplaced anger.
I need to go home and unpack this shit, homie.
I gotta assume some accountability for this man.
You know what I'm saying?
[laughter, applause]
But, also, what the [bleep] is up with the tiny gun?
It's so tiny.
It looks like a gun that the sexy Russian lady
pulls out in a Bond movie.
He went to the gun store and asked for pussy galore.
I've never seen a man pull out a gun and be less threatening.
[laughter]
We got beef?
How you hold your gun like this?
The gangs in West Side Story were
more threatening than that, and they were singing show tunes.
And, finally, let's move on to a lighter subject--
slavery.
Most people now agree that slavery was wrong.
But, apparently, California is the only one
that feels bad about it.
California will soon decide whether or not
to give reparations to its Black citizens.
Right now, the California Task Force
is meeting in Sacramento to assess how much
each citizen might receive.
One consideration is roughly $360,000
per eligible resident.
REPORTER 3: The Task Force is still
working to determine what it believes reparations should
involve, which could include cash payments, grants,
and tuition assistance.
There's only one thing that would stop our children
from busting into these liquor stores and grocery stores
stealing junk food and stealing different things,
and that's reparations.
There's only one thing that would stop our kids
from busting into these jewelry stores
stealing watches and jewelry, and that's reparations.
Damn it, I agree with the monopoly man.
[laughter, applause]
We need to let Black people pass go and collect $200.
It's time for some free parking, damn it.
[laughter, applause]
I just love how he was getting more
threatening as he was talking.
We need reparations.
Otherwise, we're going to rob liquor
stores and jewelry, bitch.
I stole this mother-mother-[bleep] watch.
You can see all the Black folk behind him like, oh.
Was this the best guy we could get to represent us?
He looks so sophisticated with the little hat on.
And you seen the watch?
It was nice until I found out he stole it.
I don't know where they're getting the money from,
but I know where they should get it from--
Fruit of the Loom.
They always saying that shit is 100% cotton.
Pay up, bitch.
[laughter, applause]
And they said every Black person
is going to get $360,000.
What if you're mixed?
You only get half?
So Zendaya's only good for 180k?
So what does Chet Hanks get?
Go suck on your mama's dusty stinking crotch.
Spit on your granny grave.
That wigger got to be worth at least 25 grand.
For more on these reparations, we go to Roy Wood Jr.
Hey, hey.
Yes, sir.
Hi.
Yeah. yeah.
What's up, Roy?
Hey, homie? What's cracking?
What's cracking, homie?
Marlon, good to see you.
What's up, West side?
Yeah.
Why are you talking like that?
That's how we always talk out here in Cali, in the Bay Area.
You smell me?
West Side, Van Nuys, chicken and waffles, too short, surf's
up, snowfall, Franklin saint.
You know what I'm saying?
Matter of fact, let me put on my authentic Cali hat.
See? See?
Boom.
See?
Now I look like the homie.
I look just like the homie.
- Roy. - He from Cali.
I'm from Cali.
Roy, stop it.
You're from Alabama.
Stop talking like that.
You sound like Chet Hanks.
Shut your hating ass up and play along.
Black people from all over are about to start
claiming California.
I'm trying to get mine first.
It's the Black gold rush.
It's time to get paid.
You know, I will say I'm surprised that out
of all the states, it's California
that's proposing reparations.
Oh, definitely. Definitely.
It is a big surprise.
You know, you got to give props to California,
my home state, for doing this.
You know, they did it before Alabama, before Georgia,
before South Carolina.
And California was a free state.
Most of the slaves in California
was just people playing slaves in movies.
Jamie Foxx, LeVar Burton, Cynthia Erivo, Amistad.
You mean Djimon Hounsou.
His name ain't Amistad?
Well, I guess it's always Black History month.
I learned something new.
Roy, one reason why I know you're not from California
is because you think 360 grand can take you far.
It may take you far in Alabama, but not LA.
That's going to dry up real quick
after rent, gas, and cocaine.
OK. OK.
True. True.
You're right.
You're right. So then how about this?
How about this?
Instead of splitting up the reparation money
amongst all the Black folks.
MARLON WAYANS: Right.
Enter every Black person into a reparations lottery,
and one person gets all the money.
Like-- it's like Powerball, but for slavery.
You on to something.
I like that.
Yeah.
Black Powerball.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
But a lottery.
Man, that's a dumb idea for reparation.
You think it's dumb.
You think a lottery with a bunch of Black people--
you thing that's dumb?
You of all people should support a lottery, Marlon.
Statistically speaking, the odds are is that the winner
going to be a Wayans.
It's 58 of y'all last I checked.
It's like 73 Wayans.
You know what?
Now that you put it like that, I like this lottery idea.
Yeah.
But aren't you going to be mad if someone
else gets all that money?
No, I ain't tripping if another Black
person win the money.
Whoever win the Black lottery, I'm
just going to borrow the money from him
because he's my cousin.
But you don't know who it is.
It don't matter.
Once they win the money, they're going to be my cousin.
Speaking of which, is it too late to become a Wayans?
I can do the paperwork.
All right, Roy Wayans Jr, everyone.
[applause]
I'm a Wayans.
Give it up for the top hat.
I'm a Wayans.