Welcome to Bikini Bottom Enquirer,
where investigative thrills are packed to the gills.
Here's your host, award wanting anchorman.
Perch Perkins.
Thank you. I'm Perch Perkins,
and here are tonight's top stories.
Citizens were horrified to witness
two Bikini Bottom residents fighting bare
over a can of paint.
And then a talking squirrel was seen rocketing back to Texas
in her own personal acorn ship.
Believe it or
[coughing]
[clearing throat]
Lastly, our top story is Bikini Bottom haunted?
Local residents report ghostly encounters.
[shrieking] What's that?
Sorry. I'm getting word that was just my shadow.
And don't forget to vote in tonight's community poll
Who's the most handsome man in Bikini Bottom?
The choices are Larry the Lobster,
Gary the Snail, the Dirty Bubble,
Kevin Sea Cucumber,
Lurch Lurkin's, Handsome Squidward,
seaweed man, and Perch Perkins.
Should be a tight race.
We'll give you the results at the end of the show,
but first, news flesh- ah, flash.
This sea star's head just exploded
in the downtown store Palace of Pranks.
[screaming]
Our production team has obtained security footage
of the incident.
Cleanup on aisle three.
This store has been selling unregulated pranks
for years, from whoopee cushions to exploding chewing gum
and even fake vomit.
Wow. I can't believe it's not real vomit.
[sniffing] Smells real.
[sniffing] Oh, wait.
My leg!
That is real. [gagging]
Frank's got deals so good, your head will explode.
His guarantee.
Back to our first story.
Two Bikini Bottom residents were spotted fighting
in their birthday suits by the side of the road.
The perpetrators were identified as SpongeBob and Patrick.
That was the last we saw of naked Bob and Nude Star
as they disappeared into thin air.
[clattering]
Sorry, we're renovating.
[beeping]
In other news, Sandy Cheeks' acorn rocketship
was seen flying en route to Texas.
Sources have confirmed that her trip was unplanned.
An investigative team stopped by her tree dome
for more clues and noticed her living room
was filled with an assortment of framed portraits
of Patrick Star.
Is this just a coincidence,
or are these two Bikini Bottom's new power couple?
Let's take one more look at those framed photos
of Patrick.
They say a picture is worth 1,000 words,
but there are no words to describe
how uncomfortable I am.
Eeh. Ugh. Ew. Yikes.
Does Ms. Cheeks disappearance have anything to do
with our next story?
This week, ghosts have wreaked havoc in Bikini Bottom.
Let's take a look at some close encounters
caught on camera.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's a personal project.
Stop tape, stop tape! Roll the other tape.
Ghosts! [screaming]
Ghosts!
Huh?
[moaning]
Ghosts!
Local officials agree,
there is something off in Bikini Bottom.
It's time to take some callers.
[beeping]
Squilliam, you're on the Perch Phone.
Thoughts on the ghosts.
Actually, I wanted to talk about Squidward.
Okay, what would you like to say?
Not a big fan.
Right. Next caller.
Bubble Bass.
I'll take a double triple Bossy Deluxe on a raft--
For the last time, this is not the Krusty Krab.
Time for one more caller.
DoodleBob, you're on the Perch Phone.
[babbling]
What is going on today?
And now our second best reporter will join us
for the Lurch Report.
Bikini Bottom's second best reporter,
Lurch Lurkins.
Hey, Lurch, how's the family?
Well, they left.
New haircut, Perch?
Nope.
[laughing] Okay, thanks, Perch.
I'm here with an exclusive interview
with one of the Bikini Bottom ghosts.
Ghost.
And there you have it, Perch.
This ghost is exercising his right to remain silent.
[SpongeBob giggling]
I'm scared.
[screaming]
Excellent reporting, Lurch.
I'm sure your family will come back soon enough,
[laughing] but probably not.
And now, breaking news.
Ghosts haunt the Krusty Krab?
This just in.
Security cam footage will finally reveal
the true nature of the Bikini Bottom ghosts.
Okay, we're all seeing this for the first time.
Here Mr. Krabs is trapped in the Krusty Krab
and has no escape from the so called ghosts.
Krabs, okay, in haste dumps a bucket of water
onto the ghosts revealing their true nature.
[gasping]
This whole time the ghosts were the missing friends,
SpongeBob and Patrick.
Ghosts are scary, but you know what's even scarier?
They're still in their birthday suits.
Somebody get them a towel!
Let's take a look at the commotion
inside the Krusty Krab.
The Krusty Krab presents Live Nude Pranksters!
Starring the Bikini Bottom ghosts.
[cheering]
Oh. They call that entertainment?
This is a family show. Awful.
I can only hope that years of expensive therapy
can bring me back to normal.
And now for our community poll results.
It's time to find out
who's the most handsome man in Bikini Bottom.
Drum roll, please.
Whoo. I don't know why I'm so nervous.
And the winner is...
Perch Perkins. Oh, I never- This- This is so sudden.
I- I never expected this.
This is all- my whole life, I've wanted to-
Oh, this is- I-I don't know what to say.
I can't thank of viewers enough for this honor.
I greatly appreciate the one person who voted.
Thanks, Mom.
I'm Perch Perkins, and that's all the news
that's fit to float. Good night.