-What about you, Riley?
You want Robbie to take your spot?
-[Bleep] no!
He [Bleep] sucks at football!
You guys want Robbie to play in a playoff game?!
That is bat-[Bleep] crazy. We're gonna [Bleep] lose!
[ Theme music plays ]
-Being a kid can be harder than it looks.
Sometimes it helps to have an adult around.
-Alright, alright, alright. -That's why Peyton Manning
takes time out to volunteer with local youth groups.
-You guys ready to play some football?
-Yeah! -Let's put our hands in.
Alright, we're gonna have fun,
we're gonna encourage each other.
"Teamwork" on 3. 1, 2, 3...
-Teamwork!
-Peyton uses football to teach valuable lessons
of communication... -Check, check, check, check.
What's it say? What's it say? Pink, Pink, watch the blitz.
Brown, 55 Razor. Hut!
Open. Get open.
Get out head out of your ass.
You suck.
Get back in here. Let's go. Except you.
I can't even look at you. You know what?
Go sit in the Porta-Let for 20 minutes.
That's right. Stay in there.
Hut.
Is the door open? Close the door.
♪♪
Okay, I'm sorry. Do you want to lose?
I throw, you catch. It's not that hard, okay?
Alright, get the [Bleep] out of here.
I think he's really hurt.
-There's no substitute for the hands-on guidance
a mentor can provide.
-Then you just push it a little further,
and you should hear it click.
-Why don't we just use your keys?
-I told you, I forgot them. [ Siren wails ]
Cops, cops! Everybody go!
-Just a few hours of Peyton's time
helps create childhood memories that will last a lifetime...
-Just keep biting down.
Lookin' good.
Uh-huh.
It's gonna be there forever.
-...as well as skills for life, such as assertiveness...
-Mommy, Mommy! -No, Sally, Mommy's dead.
Remember? Okay? Don't bother the pretty lady.
Hi. I'm Peyton.
-...ethics. -Alright, I'll kill a snitch.
I'm not saying I have, I'm not saying I haven't.
You know what I mean.
Whatever.
Kid's a [Bleep].
-The NFL and the United Way.
Spend time with your kids so Peyton Manning doesn't.
-You kids all want to come and live with me in my mansion?
-Yeah! -Calm down, calm down.
I'm just [Bleep] with you.
-You're watching "ESPN Classic."
-Professional football didn't always have
the glitz and glamour that it has today.
In its early days, there was little pay and no rules.
Today we journey back
for another episode of "Forefathers of the Game."
-The greatest player with the most meteoric rise
I ever coached was Billy "The Gun" Van Goff.
-The quarterback we most feared? The Gun.
-The Gun. We hated playing The Gun.
-They called me The Gun for two reasons.
One, I had the best arm in the league.
And the second reason was,
I always brought a gun on the field.
I remember the first game I coached The Gun.
He got tackled, and he was so mad.
And when he came back to the sidelines,
I yelled, "Well, what are you gonna do about it?"
And I'll never forget, he said, "I'm gonna get my gun."
-I was the only official in the league at the time.
And there was -- with good reason, I should add --
some uproar about a player brandishing a firearm
during a game.
But, technically, there, uh, was no rule against it.
-As commissioner of the league, I moved quickly to ban firearms.
But there was one major loophole.
-The rule had a grandfather clause.
Anyone who had already used a gun in a game
was allowed to keep her.
-Of course we were upset. He had a great arm and a gun.
-Well, he would just drop back and stand there
pointing his gun at us, daring us to rush.
I remember, a whole quarter went by with him yelling,
"Which one of you sons of bitches
wants to eat a bullet?" That's not football.
-Goff drops back. Here comes the defense.
[ Gunshots ] The defense is running away.
Goff has the time, throws.
Touchdown, Quarrymen. [ Gunshots ]
-We were undefeated, going into the championship game,
and we would have won it all if not for...the incident.
-By the championship game, Gun was getting a little cocky.
He would openly drink on the sidelines.
That made him even more intimidating.
-We could tell he was drunk,
so we decided, "This is our chance.
Let's all-out blitz. He can't shoot all of us."
-And we surprised him. You know,
he threw it as far as he could
and turned at us and...took aim.
-But he was still holding the football.
He had thrown the gun.
♪♪
-Gabe Silverberg was our star receiver.
It was snowing so hard that he didn't realize
he was trying to catch a gun...
until it was too late.
-Gabe made two catches that day.
A touchdown...and a bullet.
-I had no choice but to kick Gun out of the league.
And thus ended one of the greatest football careers
[ Gunshots ] I had ever seen.
-This has been "ESPN Classic."
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
♪♪
-Gentlemen, this is the playoffs!
Clemson is not gon--
The hell is going on?
Why aren't you all dressed?
-Some of us were talking, Coach,
and, uh, we think Robbie should dress for the game.
♪♪
-You hit your head too hard in practice last week, son?
Robbie's on the practice squad! This is the playoffs!
Roster is set. Now, get dressed.
-This is Robbie's dream, Coach.
I know there's no room on the roster,
so I want Robbie to take my spot.
♪♪
-Robbie can have my spot, too, Coach.
-This is what you want?
-Yes, sir.
♪♪
-Robbie deserves it, Coach.
-And what about you, Riley?
♪♪
You want Robbie to take your spot?
-[Bleep], no!
He [Bleep] sucks at football!
You guys want Robbie to play in a playoff game?!
That is bat-[Bleep] crazy. We're gonna [Bleep] lose!
He sucks ass!
Have you seen him in practice?
[ Whistle blows ] -Oh!
Oh!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Oh.
-He's dog [Bleep]!
I mean, I'm sorry, Robbie, but you're dog [Bleep].
I mean, he's dog [Bleep].
-Robbie's got heart, Riley.
It's got to count for something.
-[ Sighs ]
-He [Bleep] his pants in practice last week, Stevens.
Again.
I didn't even run at him and hit him this time.
All I did was walk over to him,
and he crumpled into a little ball
and he said, "No, no, not again! It's coming out, it's coming..."
I mean... -You know what?
Maybe you don't believe in me, Riley.
-I definitely don't. -Okay.
But a friend told me something that made me believe in myself.
Right, Mr. Fillmore?
♪♪
-Oh, what, you mad you didn't make the team, huh?
Well, listen here. You're 5 foot nothin',
100 and nothin',
but damn if you don't got passion.
-And he gave me the strength to keep going.
-Well, hold on. 'Cause after that, I said...
Unfortunately, passion don't mean nothing at this level.
This is D1, son, and you're just too tiny.
You're gonna get your ass stomped.
Pancake, son.
-Right, but you believed, and that's what's important.
-No, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I said one more thing, and it was...
And who keeps letting you in my office?
Stop coming back here, man. It's weird. We ain't friends.
So that's how that all went down.
-Enough. Okay, look, Coach,
you played here.
Someone gave you a shot.
That's all I'm asking for, is a shot.
-This is so [Bleep] dumb!
He doesn't even know the plays, Coach!
-I know the playbook front to back.
You call any play. I can run any rout right now.
-Alright, Robbie, you get past Riley,
you can dress for the game.
-Go, Robbie!
♪♪
-Alright, Robbie, let's see what you got.
Red 7 on 2.
-Different play. Don't know that one.
-Wide right on 1. -Different play.
-Jesus, Robbie. Blue 19 on 3.
-Different play. -Slant 6 on 2.
-Nope. -Just gonna take my jersey back.
-Red Devil on 3. -Skip.
-Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.
-Got it. What was it, though?
-Angel 6 on 2. -I got it, Coach.
Hup, hup! -[ Grunting ]
[ Farts ]
-Oh! -Oh!
-Dumb ass.
-He's alright.
But I think he might have done another, you know, in his pants.
-I almost did, but I held it in.
-No, he didn't. -Well, that's that.
Now, we've got a football game to win, gentlemen!
[ Team cheering ] -Come on!
♪♪
-On the field, we're athletes,
but off the field, it's our job to give back,
to serve the community.
That's why, this off-season,
NFL players are using their strength
for an important charitable cause --
lifting women whose boyfriends can't pick them up.
-Okay? -Lift me.
-I'm trying. -Oh!
-Might be easier if you were elevated again.
-Again!
-I got it from here, boss.
-Travis Kelce? -I got you, ma'am.
♪♪
Oh, What do you weigh? 80 pounds?
-[ Chuckles ]
-Look, I love my little boyfriend.
-Boyfriend. -Right.
He makes me laugh a lot, and he's so creative.
But sometimes I just want to be thrown around and feel tiny.
-Sometimes I want to be with a man
who looks like he can throw my ass over a house.
-Babe, good news. Crypto is back.
-Uh huh. That's great, babe. Again.
-What is Chiefs lineman Creed Humphrey doing here?
-Volunteering. -Again.
That's great. Again. -I love charity.
-One more time.
-You may be eligible for our services
if your boyfriend is a comedy writer,
music critic,
adult Legoist,
loves the show "Andor,"
has traveled to see John Mulaney,
has special glasses for looking at computer,
or has arms that are the same width from wrist to shoulder
like Doug Funnie.
-Ooh, my jeans are fitting good today.
-Those are mine. -Don't worry,
I got this, big man. Who wants a piggyback ride?
-Me! [ Giggles ]
Whee!
-What the hell?
-Sometimes I want to feel small.
When I wear my boyfriend shirt, People are like, "Cute.
Where'd you get that top?"
But Jason Kelce gave me his hoodie,
and... -It's bigger.
-Because sometimes I just want to be a backpack.
-And sometimes I want to be a front backpack.
[ Laughs ] -And most times,
we don't want to hear your jokes.
-We just want to be thrown...
-Chucked... -Vaulted into space...
-Lifted straight up from our butt cheeks...
-Smashed into your chest...
-Folded like paper...
-And most of all, like you are an immovable,
pulsating throne for our tired, weathered bodies.
[ Both moaning ]
-[ Gasps ] Oh, you lifted me up.
-Yeah, I've been working out.
[ Both moaning ]
[ Tink! ]
-NFL gives back.
The football is you.
♪♪