>> THE NEW YEAR BEGAN WITH A
SHOT HEARD AROUND THE WORLD.
[LAUGHTER]
.
>> HE SOUNDED LIKE CHEWBACCA
OR A JERSEY SHORE SEAGULL
CHOKING ON A TOENAIL TO MAKE
IT SOUND LIKE THE WICKED WITCH
BEFORE SHE MELTED.
[LAUGHTER]
DRINKING BOOZE LIKE CNN
REPORTS NEWS.
[LAUGHTER]
THE NEW YEAR IF THAT ENDED
THERE I WOULD BE HAPPY BUT
INSTEAD WE GOT KNIT A LEADER
NOT JUST ON POLICIES BUT ALSO
THE CHARACTER OF THE PEOPLE
WHO GET TO WATCH THAT PERSON
AND I THINK THAT'S AN AREA THE
PRESIDENT NEEDS TO FOCUS MORE
ATTENTION TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.
>> HE WENT AFTER TRUMP HE
BRAVELY STATED THAT TRUMP IS
RUDE AND DIVISIVE AND MEAN
SOMETHING HE MUST HAVE LEARNED
GROVELING FOR THAT SECRETARY
OF STATE JOB.
[LAUGHTER]
THINKS FOR GIVING THE SAME
FERTILIZER THAT WE KNEW WHEN
WE ELECTED THE GUY.
I CAN WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT THE
NEW BEVERAGE FLAT AND BORING
AND CLUELESS HE'S JUST THE
OPPOSITE OF TRUMP HERE'S
WHAT'S MORE EXCITING THAN MITT
ROMNEY.
MELBA TOAST, DRYWALL I
COULDN'T FIND A THIRD THING.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE ARE THREE THINGS THAT
WERE MORE BLAND THAN MITT
ROMNEY NUMBER THREE, TWO MITT
ROMNEY'S.
[APPLAUSE]
.
>> I LIKE HIM LIKE CLEAN SOCKS
THEY ARE NICE TO HAVE BUT
INSTANTLY FORGOTTEN HE WAS
TAKEN BY SO MANY CONSERVATIVE
ANTI- TRUMPS FOLLOWERS WHO
CRAVE THAT RESPECT WHEN THEY
BASH THE PRESIDENT NOW HE WAS
DEEMED BY THE MEDIA AS A DOG
HATING MISOGYNIST NOW THAT
SAME MEDIA WHO MADE HIM OUT TO
BE A MORMON HITLER THINKS HE
IS BRAVE AND THAT HAS TO FEEL
GOOD PEOPLE LIKE HIM FINALLY.
KNOW THEY STILL THINK YOU ARE
A FOOL THAT YOU ARE USEFUL
DOES HE REALIZE ONCE HE STOPS
BASHING TRUMP IT'S BACK TO
BASHING HIM BUT TRUMP DOESN'T
CARE HE SEEMS LIKE HE IS IN A
GOOD MOOD I BET IT'S BECAUSE
HE GOT A GREAT LETTER FROM KIM
JONG NOON.
>> I JUST GOT A GREAT LETTER
FROM KIM JONG NOON AND THEY
HAVE NEVER WRITTEN LETTERS
LIKE THAT.
[LAUGHTER]
IT IS A GREAT LETTER TO MAKE
HE DOES GET ALONG VERY WELL
WITH THE INDIA AND THE PRIME
MINISTER BUT HE KEEPS TELLING
ME HE BUILT THE LIBRARY IN
AFGHANISTAN THAT'S LIKE FIVE
HOURS OF WHAT WE SPEND BUT
THANK YOU FOR THE LIBRARY HAD
A KNOW WHO'S USING IN
AFGHANISTAN THEY ARE NOT JUST
PLACES FOR SLEEPING IN PORN
THE LIBRARIES IN NEW YORK BUT
HE COULD'VE HAD A LOT EASIER
PRESIDENCY BY DOING NOTHING.
>> I COULD'VE HAD A LOT EASIER
PRESIDENCY BY DOING NOTHING
BUT I AM HERE AND I WANT TO DO
IT RIGHT.
>> SO DESPITE THE NOISE HE HAS
GOTTEN USED TO THIS SORT OF
THING PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S
USED TO THIS SORT OF THING YOU
HAVE HEARD THE SEA LEGS TO
KEEP THE BALANCE ON A MOVING
SHIP TRUMP HAS TRUMP LEGS THE
ABILITY TO KEEP CALM ALL HIS
CRITICS ARE LOSING THERE.
[BLEEP]
.
>> AND WE ARE TO MAKE SURE THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY DIES.
>> HE LIED RIGHT TO THEIR
FACES BE MET LOOKS LIKE HITLER
TOOK OVER THE NAZI PARTY TRUMP
HAS TAKEN OVER THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY.
>> KNOW WE DON'T WIN BABY WE
DON'T.
[BLEEP]
SHE SAID.
[BLEEP]
TO HER BABY?
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
[LAUGHTER]
NOBODY HAS EVEN TALKED ABOUT
THAT.
WE BELIEVED IT BUT YOU KNOW,
WHAT SHE SAID ANIMALS ARE
GREAT.
>> SCREAMING FOR IMPEACHMENT
IS AN ATTENTION SEEKING DEVICE
THE DEMOCRATS VERSION SO NOW I
AM SO EDGY THAT A 14 -YEAR-OLD
THINKS IT IS BAD ASS SO IT
STARTS OFF FOR THE LAST ONE
ENDED SO TRUMP CAUSES GOOD
TIMES INSANITY THEY JUST CAN'T
STOP AND WHY NOT BEFORE TRUMP
THEY WERE NOTHING NOW WITH
TRUMP THEY ARE ALMOST
SOMETHING IF TRUMP EVER GOES
TO JAIL THEY KNOW THEY GO
STRAIGHT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT
OFFICE WHICH IS IN THE
BUILDING PROBABLY OWNED BY
TRUMP.
[LAUGHTER]
MEANWHILE THE DEBATE OVER THE
WALL CONTINUES WHICH IS ABSURD
ESPECIALLY AT LOOK WHAT THE
DEMOCRATS HAVE SAID IN RECENT
YEARS.
>> I VOTED ON NUMEROUS TIMES
AS A SENATOR TO SPEND MONEY TO
BUILD A BARRIER TO TRY TO
PREVENT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
FROM COMING IN.
>> WE SIMPLY CANNOT ALLOW
PEOPLE TO POUR INTO THE UNITED
STATES AND DETECTED IN
UNDOCUMENTED AND UNCHECKED.
>> I LIKE THAT GUY.
HE SHOULD BE PRESIDENT.
IS FUNNY HOW DIFFERENT YOUR
VIEWS ARE WHEN YOU ARE THE
PARTY IN POWER NOW SUDDENLY
YOU ARE THE ADULT CRAVING
RULES AND LAWS BUT THEN WHEN
YOU ARE OUT OF HOW ARE YOU ARE
THE CHILD AND THROW TANTRUMS
AND DEEMED BORDERS AS RACIST.
>> YOU HAVE FOR WHITE MEN FOR
STRONG WHITE MEN OF A CERTAIN
AGE NOT SMILING BY THE WAY AND
THIS WALL ISN'T A WALL IT'S
LET'S KEEP AMERICA WHITE AGAIN.
>> NOW THERE IS ALL WALL DONNY
DEUTSCH IS THE DUMB AS ONE HE
PUTS THE BLOCK IN BLOCKHEAD.
LINE HIM UP HE MAKES A PERFECT
WALL SO WHY IS THIS RESISTANCE
SOMETHING THEY EMBRACED
BEFORE?
APPARENTLY IT IS PERSONAL HE
IS A JUST PUSHING FOR THE WALL
HE SUDDENLY IS THE WALL AND
THEY CANNOT SEE OVER IT MAYBE
HE NEEDS TO APPEAL TO THEIR
FEELINGS AND NOT THEIR BRAINS.
>> THE MOST AGGRESSIVE
INFRASTRUCTURE PROJECT THE
SIDE OF THE RIO GRANDE AND GET
READY FOR THE RACIST FREE
SEXIST FREE WALL IT IS THE
BORDER WALL YOU ALWAYS WANTED
WITHOUT SYSTEMIC PERSUASIVE
INEQUALITY HOW DOES IT WORK?
FIRST IT WILL NEVER TELL YOU
YOU SHOULD'VE MAJORED IN
WOMEN'S STUDIES SO IT IS NOT
SEXIST OR RACIST PLUS IT ISN'T
WHITE OR MALE SO THERE IS NO
WHITE MALE PRIVILEGE AND NOW
GUNS CAN AFFECT THE WALL THEY
HAVE NO SEXUAL ORIENTATION
ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
FEATURING A BUILT IN ROSIE
O'DONNELL THIS WALL IS SO PC
IT WILL HAVE NANCY PELOSI AND
CHUCK SCHUMER CHANTING.
RACIST FREE SEXIST FREE WALL.
[APPLAUSE]
.
>> SO BRIGHT YOU WILL SEE
AFTER SHE LEAVES.
[APPLAUSE]
HE IS SO WISE COUNTRY MUSIC
LEGEND LARRY GATLIN.
[APPLAUSE]
AND OUR VIEWER REPORTER.
[APPLAUSE]
FORMER DEBBIE WWE SIDEKICK AND
HOST ON FOX NATION.
2019 THE FIRST OF THE WEEK IS
AS CRAZY AS A LAST.
>> YOU THINK ROMNEY WILL
CHALLENGE TRUMP MOST OF US ARE
JUST AS TIRED OF THESE
TANTRUMS THAT WE HAVE SEEN
EMERGING FROM THAT TABLE TO
NOW THAT POSITION HE DEEMS AS
POWER AND INFLUENCE SO WE WILL
ALL FORGET IT THE PEOPLE
AROUND HIM OR NOT THAT'S WHO
HE IS COLLABORATING WITH SO IF
HE DOES IT TO ALL OF US WITH
TAX PAYER DOLLARS WHO PAY
THEIR SALARIES TO HAVE ALL OF
THESE GRANDSTANDING'S IN THE
SHOW OF FORCE IN ALL OF THESE
EXPLETIVES JUST DO YOUR JOB.
[APPLAUSE]
.
>> YOU HAVE STRONG FEELINGS
ABOUT EVERYTHING GIVE ME A
STRONG FEELING OF THIS WEEK.
>> YOU WANT TO TRY THAT AGAIN
CLICK.
>> MY STRONG FEELING?
.
>> WITH YOUR MONOLOGUE
, THERE'S ALMOST NOTHING IN
LIFE THAT IS MORE CONTEMPTIBLE
THEN WATCH POOR LITTLE RICH
KIDS MASQUERADING AS PETULANT
CHILDREN BECAUSE HE WAS A
CHILD AND HIS FATHER LOST THE
PRESIDENTIAL BID CENTURIES
AGO.
I THINK HE BELIEVED HE WAS
ENTITLED TO THIS WHEN
PRESIDENT OBAMA BEAT HIM HE
HAS NOT GOTTEN OVER IT AND
THEN OF COURSE,
COURSE, HILLARY IS THE ALL
TIME ULTIMATE THUMBSUCKER THE
LITTLE RICH KID SAY THAT
QUICKLY FIVE TIMES SO JUST TO
WATCH THESE PEOPLE WHO HAVE
BEEN WHO HAVE HAD EVERYTHING
IN LIFE AND THEY GET THEIR ASS
KICKED ONCE OR TWICE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
GREG: I DO THINK IT WAS
CHOREOGRAPHED JUST LIKE A
BROADWAY SHOW.
>> THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD
ANALOGY.
I DO THINK IT ABSOLUTELY WAS I
DON'T THINK MITT ROMNEY IS
ALONE WE SEE OTHER CONGRESSMEN
ESPECIALLY IN THE DEMOCRATIC
SIDE WHERE IT IS MORE ABOUT
FIGHTING AND FINDING A REAL
SOLUTION THAT'S WHY I THINK
WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON BECAUSE
NOBODY REALLY ONCE IT TOO AND
THEY JUST WANT TO KEEP
FIGHTING BECAUSE THEY ENJOY
THAT THERE ARE ENTIRE
RELATIONSHIPS BUILT LIKE THAT.
>> KNOW TAXPAYERS WERE PAYING
ME MONEY TO BE IN THIS
RELATIONSHIP THAT'S IT MAKES A
DIFFERENT.
>> THEY NEED TO STOP IT AND
STOP FOCUSING ON BECOMING
STARS AND I CAN GET ON TV
EMILY TOWARD TRENDING ON
TWITTER INSTEAD OF SOLVING A
PROBLEM.
[APPLAUSE]
.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS MADE
MORE MILLIONAIRES IN 2018 MORE
PEOPLE IN GOTTEN FAMOUS BY
TALKING TRASH HE MAKES MORE
STARS THAN ANYBODY ELSE THIS
WHOLE SUPPORT THING?
BUT THIS IS CASHING IN BECAUSE
WE WOULDN'T BE TALKING ABOUT
HIM IT'S NOT A VERB OR A NOUN
IS JUST TRUMP PEOPLE PAY
ATTENTION SO INSTEAD OF JUST
BEING ANOTHER SENATOR HE IS
NOW OUR ARCH NEMESIS NOW TWO
OR THREE WEEKS IN THE NEWS
PROBABLY ANOTHER BOOK THERE
WILL BE MET DEALING WITH THE
TRUMP MONSTER SO THE ONE THING
THE PRESIDENT HAS DONE HAS
FIRED SO MANY PEOPLE AND THEN
HE FINALLY DID SOMETHING FOR
ME.
MY FAVORITE WORD IS NOW OKAY.
[BLEEP]
[LAUGHTER]
I LOVE THAT WORD.
IT IS A NOUN AND A VERB I USE
IT ALL THE TIME IF I DON'T
KNOW YOUR NAME 220 I CAN SAY
IT.
SHE SAID IT.
SORRY GET THE BEATS GOING.
[BLEEP]
.
>> THANK YOU PRESIDENT TRUMP.
THANK YOU SIR.
>> TURNING EVERYBODY INTO
LITTLE RESTAURANT THAT SERVES
NOTHING BUT TRUMP SO THEY ARE