I think it’s fair to say that in the last couple years, a lot has changed for us
culturally. Some of it has been great, like for gay, lesbian, and bi people,
who were historically rejected and excluded from mainstream conversations, but have now
been properly embraced. And culturally we are sorting through issues on how to accept and help
trans people as well. But the rise in a different group of people has been particularly confusing,
leading people everywhere to update their linked in profiles with their preferred pronouns. I’m
talking of course about the non binary - that is to say people who don’t identify as either gender,
but rather something in between, and prefer to go by They/Them pronouns.
“They, they they they”
And here’s the question I’m curious about - why do
people want to identify as non binary and live outside of any definitions?
To answer this, I’ll be using Che Diaz as an example since she’s the non-binary character
on the Sex and the City reboot - And Just Like That… And the character is played by Sara Ramirez,
who used to previously look like this, but now identifies as non-binary. And the show
is very clear that they want to take real life people and represent them as they are.
“Crying sends a signal that it’s sad to be non-binary.”
“That is what I said. I knew the scene was too much. And I told them that repeatedly.”
“The whole Che character was like a walking boomer joke that felt so fake to me. Just some phony
sanitized performative cheezy dad joke bullshit version of what the non-binary experience is.”
So let’s start with the first why - a rejection of labels.
Non-binary people believe that labels like woman and man, husband and wife, or boyfriend and
girlfriend are too limiting. They would prefer to exist outside of such antiquated ideas.
“Che Diaz has liberated themself from the gender binary. They don’t identify as a woman or a man."
And the rejection of labels is really a desire to reject the rules that come from
said labels - i.e. rejection of what it means to be a woman or a man - as set by cultural norms.
“I’m in love with you. “I love you too. I’m so in love with you.
And I want us to be together.” “Miranda, look at me. Look at me, listen
to me. Are you listening to me. I can’t give you anything traditional. That is no who I am.”
“That’s fine. That is great.” it won’t work if you lock us
into these traditional roles, I’m not a guy, you’re not my girlfriend and we’re not dating.
And Che is not the only non binary character on the show since Charlotte’s daughter,
Rose, too wants to stop identifying as girl, and has changed her name to Rock.
“Did you change you name at school to Rock?” “Yeah.”
“Did you do this because your friend, Ellen, changed her name to Elie?”
“No it’s because I feel like Rock.” “We’re just a little taken aback that
this particular child was allowed to adopt a new name without the parents being informed.”
“Rock never gave us any clue that their parents were resistant to their changing identity.”
“Their? Did you just say their?” “We are not resistant, Robin.”
“This is a very supportive environment. For all children. Cis Gender, gender fluid, non-binary,
trans. Rock is very clear and in matters such as this we take our cues from the children.”
“We’re talking about a 12 year old here. Rose would eat ice cream for every meal if it were
up to her.” “Rock.”
To accommodate her daughter’s new choices, Charlotte sets up a They-mitva so that
Rock can participate in the jewish culture in a non-traditional way.
“I don’t understand. What do you mean, you don’t want to go out there.”
“I just don’t mom. I can’t.” “Yes you can. You’ve been practicing
and studying for months.” “No, I haven’t. You have.
I’m not doing it. I don’t believe in it.” “I don’t want to be labeled as anything.
Not as a girl, or a boy, non-binary, a jew, christian, muslim, or even a New Yorker.”
“So you’re just nothing now? You’re nothing?” “I’m only 13. Can’t I just be me?
And this is the crux of the non-binary desire - is to avoid being lumped into
any boxes and exist on a plane of their own, where they can exhibit their individuality.
So as part of the rejection of labels, and rules,
is also a rejection of crystallization. What do I mean by that? Well when we’re young we’re
just full of potential. We can choose to do anything, and we can be anything.
But as we start to approach our 30s, we start to solidify since we have to
sacrifice unlimited potential, in exchange for specific knowledge,
wisdom and an identity. And there’s always a moment where everyone has to come to terms with
the realization that they’re not that young anymore, and can no longer just be anything.
This is normal. This IS the act of growing up, and getting a solid sense of who you are,
what your priorities and commitments are, and most importantly, what your values are.
But the non-binary existence is an argument against that, not just in your youth,
but in perpetuity as is illuminated by Che in her 40s, and Miranda who in her 50s. Miranda
leaves her long term marriage to Steve to be in a non-traditional relationship with Che.
“Queerness is integral to telling stories especially for folks in their 40s and 50s
because a lot of time we position the conversation around sexuality as sort of
a settled topic. And it’s not.” “Don’t hold yourself back.”
"I think it’s important that people keep in mind that we’re
still rediscovering ourselves. And queerness makes space for that.
But is it a good thing to stay in this place of ambiguity?
What’s interesting is that the show unintentionally
displays the negative side of this ambiguity.
“What is happening right now?” “I have no idea. I really don’t. I don’t
know why I did this. If you were a guy that I had just started seeing I would never show up at your
doorstep with cookies unannounced.” “Okay, this isn’t going to work.”
“What do you mean this isn’t going to work? No, no, no, this has to work.”
“Please, please let me just finish my thought. This isn’t going to work if you lock us into
those f-ing limiting relationship tropes. You know, guys do this. And you know, girl friends
do that. This isn’t cosplay. I’m not a guy, you’re not my girlfriend and we’re not dating.”
“We’re not? Then what the hell are we doing?"
Without labels, people lose out on a much needed playbook of how to behave and get
some sense of security. But the non-binary argument is that this desire for a playbook,
and security is a result of brainwashing from society intent upon pushing a way of being
that is ultimately oppressive and results in the individual feeling deeply unhappy.
“Why do you continue to dress as you do, to live as incandescently as you do knowing you’d
experience violence to which I respond - why do you continue to lie to yourself knowing you
will experience depression. Why do you continue to sacrifice your authenticity knowing you’re never
going to experience happiness. Why do you stay in relationships that aren’t serving you? It’s
because you’re afraid. And your fear is holding back from actually being alive. And you hate me
because I template what it means to be alive. You hate me because I show you that you didn’t
have to clip your own wings, that you didn’t have to live in an abbreviated version of your
joy. That you didn’t have to wait for pride. It can be pride 24/7. That you didn’t have to dress
up for the event or the red carpet. That every mother f-ing street could be your red carpet.”
And this is the overarching desire of the NB community and in some ways trans and
queer communities as well - to throw off the limitations of society. And they are
right to challenge these ideas because the rules of any society or culture should never
be so rigid that it starts to stifle and oppress the individual - which has
been the case for members of the LGBTQ+ community in the past. They have felt
rejected and pushed aside into the margins by society for their desire to live differently.
But we should not trade one extreme for another. We should not trade cultural
tyranny for anarchy. As always, the optimal solution is in the middle. Because social
norms ABSOLUTELY serve a crucial purpose for individuals. They give us a rubric,
a general guideline on what actions and behaviors we should take ourselves or expect from others.
That’s why we need definitions like what it means to be a daughter, a son, a husband,
a wife, a girl friend, a parent - so that we can fulfill our commitments, feel secure and loved,
and build strong bonds and relationships. And these constraints are crucial for people,
so they can start to understand the difference between right and wrong.
Let me give you an example - we culturally teach children that
cheating in your relationship is wrong, and a betrayal to not only your significant other
but your entire family. That is a constraint that is absolutely necessary that ultimately
helps ensure that people will build strong relationships on honesty and consideration.
And that’s not to say that cultural norms are always correct and shouldn’t be challenged or
changed. A good example is how over the last several decades we have culturally
updated the role of wife from being the sole keeper of the house, kitchen,
and the kids, to it being a shared responsibility with the husband.
But in order to change the current cultural norms, it’s first important to learn them,
to participate in the culture, and understand their significance, before
we can determine how they should be changed or broken completely to adapt to new times.
Like the quote goes - Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
Because it’s when we blow up all the labels and take away all the rules that we feel the most
anxious and insecure since we don’t even have a starting point of what to do next
or even what to expect. Miranda doesn’t know what her relationship with Che is,
so she doesn’t know how to behave in it in a way that will deepen their bond.
And Che’s recommendation of just going with the flow is not sufficient nor
helpful. Which is why they eventually fall apart, because there is only so
much ambiguity we can handle as human beings, especially when it comes to relationships.
And Che herself is a victim of her Non-Binary status. Well into her forties,
she is living with no limits, smoking pot, partying it up,
and generally just doing whatever she wants. But in all this chaos she is lost and listless.
“You’ll make an even better show.” “Yeah, doesn’t work that way.”
“You mean it didn’t before now. But you’re you. I’ll be your cheerleader.”
“Oh Miranda, stop.” “Woo hoo. Let’s go.”
“Miranda, stop, stop stop. I don’t need a cheerleader. This isn’t a game, this is my life,
this is my career, this is my identity. It took me 46 years to figure out who I am, and then a
focus ground 1 hour to f-ing destroy me. So I don’t need to be all Tony Robinsed right now.”
“I got it.” “I am worried, Che. You’ve
been mopping around the apartment for weeks.” “I’m sorry I’m not climbing out of my deep
depression fast enough for you. Hey you were the once that said that I
should do things to make myself feel better.” “I didn’t mean Cameos. I meant leaving the house.”
“I’m transitioning. Emotionally. The old me is f-ed and the new me isn’t here yet.”
And there are two perks of being non-binary that I haven’t mentioned that I think play
a huge role in attracting people to this type of identity - the ability to demand attention,
and the excuse of avoiding responsibility.
The first is apparent in how so many companies have changed the way they do business,
requiring all of their employees to declare their pronouns, so as to accommodate non-binaries and
transexuals. But also every time a non-binary person is misgendered, they have the moral
high ground to demand a correction, and if they fail to receive the deference,
then they have the perfect story for social media where they receive plenty of support
from allies and other members of their community, all recognizing the trauma of their misgendering.
But the second benefit is less obvious but one
displayed in full force on And Just Like That by Che.
“So I just got out of an 8 month relationship with a married straight white woman. I know. I know
what you’re thinking - 8 months? Wouldn’t it
have been quicker and less painful to just slam my D—k in a car door? The good news?
She was very sexually adventurous. Yeah. She brought 4 people into our bed.
Me, her, her husband and her son. We were both kind of in the same place.
She was confused about everything. And I was confused about why I was f—ing her.”
“I have to go, sorry.” “Not, funny.
Not funny.” “What kind of a person gets on stage and makes
jokes like that about what happened between us.” “A standup. That’s what I do. I get on stage
and make jokes about the bad stuff that happens in my life.”
“I’m a bad thing that happened in your life?” “God, it’s all bad Miranda.
That’s the point of comedy.” “I never thought of you as a bad thing that
happened in my life. Until now. Now I do.” “Che. Hey. You okay?”
“Guess who that was. Yeah, I figured. Why am I always having to remind people of who
I am. I’m so f—ing tired of having to explain myself to people for years
or go on stage and perform some version of myself that they’ll find acceptable. I’m f-ing over it.
Sorry. No, you know what, I’m not sorry.” “Good, don’t be. Own it all. All of your feelings.
There’s nothing hotter than a strong NB person. The non-binary existence is presented as this
novel willingness to constantly discover yourself at your own pace and blissfully accept all the
unknowns that come with that. But whenever there is a challenge from another person about their
selfishness, cruelty, or immaturity, they can use their being lost in the unknown as a shield
- because after all they’re just trying to figure their stuff out. And ins’t that a good thing?
“He she they them oh please tell me which box to check.
But you know what I say. I say better to be confused than to be sure. Right?
Because when you’re sure then nothing can change. And we all have something we need
to change. I mean some of us have something we really need to change. So change. Do it.
Change it. You’re not happy with who you are, step out of that box and change it. Change. Change your
address, change your job, change your mind, change your gender,
So I just want to say to all those people out there who are so f—ing sure.
All those people who make TV, and who write for newspapers, and magazines, and who run news
shows and everyone who wants us to be alone and sad, I just want to say, Suck my d—k!”
And in this way, being non-binary serves as a mechanism to avoid taking responsibility,
avoid consequences, and most importantly, avoid growing up.