Look, I know you probably have a lot of questions, but it was the early nineties.
The fact that it’s a TMNT rip-off, that’s also a side-scrolling shoot ‘em up, that’s
also got whoa, attitude, ‘cause it’s the SEGA Genesis…I mean, of course it does.
What’d you expect, dude?
It was the early nineties.
It’s Dinosaurs For Hire.
So this game is, at least conceptually, at least 110 percent awesome.
I mean, you play as dinosaurs with machine guns, what else do you need to know?
Oh, how about the fact that one of them’s a Stegosaurus named Reese, which is like Jurassic
Park and Terminator had a baby, and named it this exact game.
Also, there’s spread shot, so…Contra.
If Mother Theresa made a cameo in this, it’d be the least surprising thing ever.
She’d be riding one of the dinosaurs.
Which, is about the only thing that could’ve made this cooler.
At least, conceptually.
I mean…the gameplay’s kind of, like…it’s not the most…
Look, whatever, did you forget about the dinosaurs?
Now, as it turns out…this game, is actually based on a comic book, Dinosaurs For Hire
is a comic book.
But think about that, it’s a game…based on a comic book…that’s based on another
comic book…that was originally intended to be parody…of lame comic books.
I mean, I’m not…like, I’m not a math guy…but I don’t think that’s how you
make, awesome things.
And it turns out, things aren’t quite as awesome as they seem.
For starters, the game’s super limited.
There’s basically one weapon, that all the dinosaurs share.
And I’m sorry, but that’s strike one, T-rex doesn’t share.
And it’s not even a cool weapon, either.
It’s just your basic…ball…shooter, you shoot big orange balls.
Like, where, why…these guys should be shooting lava.
Or actual, living velociraptors, out of a cannon.
And yes, they’d fit, because in reality, velociraptors were only a couple feet tall,
at best.
They were basically very angry chickens.
Hey, if this game’s gonna disappoint me, I’m gonna disappoint you.
Now, you do upgrade that weapon as you go along, you can stack power-ups…but it doesn’t
take long to max out.
And even then, it’s kind of…like, anyone could be shooting this.
A Russian, could be shooting this.
But hey, the Kremlin’s the least of your problems, ‘cause you’re also be bored.
This game will bore you.
Which is shocking, how’s that even happen?
Did you forget about the dinosaurs?
Why am I shooting tiny little ninjas?
And why can’t I just eat them?
Not to brag, but I’m the greatest predator that’s ever lived.
Look, I don’t want to be a dick about it, but I should be able to eat any tiny little
ninjas.
So the enemies are kind of lame.
And actually, the gameplay gets kind of boring, too.
It goes from fun and rad to cheap and frustrating with the speed of an enormous meteor, that’s
about to hit the Earth.
And believe me, these guys would know.
But you know, as disappointing as it can be…it’s still pretty awesome sometimes.
Never more so, than when the bosses show up.
I mean, this is how you do a boss battle.
They’re huge, they take up the whole screen, and they’re always doing something terrible.
So you’re given more incentive than, just…kill the boss.
It’s like, kill the boss before he does this.
Because he’s been a bad monkey.
And again, when the gameplay isn’t too repetitive, and the parts aren’t too frustrating, and
everything clicks…this is a pretty awesome game.
It’s nothing original or anything, but…
Seriously, guys, did you forget about the dinosaurs?
I went into this expecting greatness.
Never heard of the comic, but that’s because I was busy watching Dino Riders when I was
a kid, that’s how I got my dinosaur-laser-gun fix.
They were brain-washed dinosaurs, too…which made it even cooler.
Point is, I expected Dinosaurs For Hire to blow my mind.
Didn’t quite do that, but all the same…it’s still fun.
It’s a solid shooter, with decent graphics and sound, and an awesome concept…
And dinosaurs and machine guns.
Which makes all of your complaints…extinct.
What, too soon?
It’s Dinosaurs For Hire, for the SEGA Genesis.
Big thanks to the Burns brothers, from Germantown, NY…for sending this to the show.
Dino Riders.
Google them.