This is The Daily Show, so let's talk about Fox News.
[laughter]
They're dealing with a big lawsuit right now.
And because of it, a bunch of Fox News hosts
had to give up all their private texts.
So we've been finding out what they really
think about Donald Trump.
And it's hilarious.
REPORTER: According to court documents,
host Tucker Carlson texted a producer on January 4, 2021.
"We are very, very close to being able to ignore
Trump most nights."
Referring to Trump, Carlson says,
"I hate him passionately.
I can't handle much more of this."
Carlson added, "We're all pretending
we've got a lot to show for it, because admitting
what a disaster it's been is too tough to digest.
But come on.
There really isn't an upside to Trump."
Ohhhh!
That's fighting words!
Oh!
White-on-white crime!
Let's go!
[laughs] All right.
I know this looks bad, but their makeup sex
is going to be so much hotter.
You know, this is so embarrassing for Fox News.
If they want to keep their shit quiet,
they should do what the crack dealers do--
use a payphone.
Yo, it's Tucker.
Listen, Black Lives Matter.
They really do.
All right, hit me back on my burner.
I'm enjoying this, though.
I have never seen someone's private text
that was so opposite from their public persona.
This is like finding out Nikki Haley has a Blaccent.
She got texts like, oh, hell, no, y'all ain't coming
at Nimarata like that.
[cheering, applause]
Sorry, booboo.
But if I'm being honest, I do feel for Tucker a little.
Because it's brutal when your private shit talk gets
put out in the open like that.
It actually happened to my brothers just this week.
[laughter, applause]
All right, let's move on.
I just flew in from LA this week,
and I'm glad I wasn't on this flight.
REPORTER: United flight 2609 was just 45 minutes
from landing in Boston--
And I will kill every man on this plane.
REPORTER: --when prosecutors say 32-year-old Francisco
Torres went on an incoherent rant
after trying to open one of the plane's emergency exits--
Because I am taking over this plane.
Tell them to bring SWAT to shoot me down
because they're going to have to shoot me down today.
REPORTER: --then rushing and stabbing
a flight attendant with a spoon he'd broken in the lavatory.
Fellow passengers quickly tackled and subdued him.
Wow.
[cheering, applause]
That shit was crazy.
You know, my favorite part was how nobody did
anything till the very end.
The guy in the aisle seat, he just got up to let the dude
by, like, go ahead, man.
You know what I mean?
Oh, you back?
All right, here, here.
[chuckles] Oh, you need a spoon?
Here you go, bro.
[laughs] You know, what's funny is
once they saw the guy had a spoon,
everyone got real brave.
Everyone was like, oh my god, he got a knife!
Aw, shit. That's a spoon?
I'm gonna [bleep] him up!
Come here!
Always bet on Black, mother [bleep]..
[cheering, applause]
Always bet on Black, mother [bleep]..
Thank you.
And you could tell this guy was going
to do something because he got those crazy eyes, you know?
They should have flagged this guy
before he got on the plane.
TSA got to be like, they got to stop racial profiling
and start crazy-profiling.
I'm sorry, sir.
I can see your entire eyeball like a [bleep] Muppet.
You cannot get on this plane.
I'm sorry.
Let's move on.
Some news out of social media--
there's a new filter on TikTok, and it's going to mess you up.
A new beauty trend going viral on TikTok--
the bold glam look that's causing a stir
because of its drastic filter.
I just woke up.
This is not what I look like right now.
This filter should be illegal.
Here's the real me.
Oh, my gosh.
REPORTER: And then there are those who believe filters
like this are setting unrealistic standards
of beauty for young girls or creating
a sense of false advertising.
God damn!
That's not a filter.
That's witchcraft.
Come on, TikTok.
You don't need a filter like this.
We already have technology to make people look hotter.
It's called tequila.
[laughter, applause]
If you ask me, it's the scariest thing
I've seen on social media since any post by Chet Hanks.
Go suck your mama duct, you stinkin' brat!
Sleep on your Granny Grier.
I-- I'm sorry, Tom and Rita.
I only have one more day.
I promise, that's all.
But real talk, though.
These filters have got it all wrong.
The truth is everyone is beautiful.
Beautiful people, we know that shit ain't true.
[laughter]
Don't tell the uggos that, or they'll be here to revolt.
We are all gorgeous.
[laughter]
[chuckles] In fact, forget a beauty filter.
I want an ugly filter.
I want a filter that makes me look worse,
gives me acne, [bleep] up my face.
Then when people meet me in real life,
they'll be impressed.
They'll be like, damn, Marlon, you really cleaned up.
All your cold sores is gone and everything.
Look, we need to ask ourselves two questions.
How can we make women less self-conscious about the way
they look?
And how can we make men more self-conscious about the way
they look?
[cheering, applause]
Because men will confidently send the ugliest
pictures of their dicks to anybody.
It's poorly lit, bad angles, crooked and shit,
skinny in the middle, look like a rancid Slim Jim.
Can someone please teach us how to feel shame?
And finally, today is International Women's Day.
[cheering, applause]
And here is how the world's top feminist organization
is celebrating.
Mattel is also celebrating International Women's Day
with seven new role models.
The new Barbie lineup was inspired
by the likeness of female leaders in STEM fields
from around the world.
The company hopes the role models, including
former YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki and UK space
scientist Dr. Maggie Aderin-Pocock,
will inspire the next generation of girls
to pursue their passions, despite women
being underrepresented in STEM fields.
This is so important.
Kids learn so much from the toys they play with.
You want them to have scientist dolls and CEO dolls
that can scissor each other.
[laughter, shouting]
For more on this story, we turn to Desi Lydic.
Desi!
[cheering, applause]
How's your International Women's Day going?
Well, thank you for asking.
It started out so great.
This morning, the random guy who
usually yells nice ass instead yelled,
I respect your nice ass.
And this is why we march.
So yeah, I was feeling pretty good--
I mean, at least until I saw this Barbie story.
Wait, you don't like these brand new Barbies?
But they're so accomplished.
They got scientists, and they got a YouTube CEO.
Oh, yeah, equally great role models.
You could be a scientist who helps humanity,
or you could design a YouTube algorithm that says,
hey, kids, if you like Peppa Pig, you'll love QAnon.
OK, that's fair.
But some of them are doctors and engineers, and one of them
is a professor.
Yeah, I know.
They're all so successful.
[bleep] those Barbies!
[bleep] them all!
[bleep] them!
Yeah, it's bad enough Barbie was always hotter.
Now she's smarter than me, too?
What the heck?
I want a doll that makes me feel bad about my body,
not my mind.
So you're saying we should get rid of these Barbies.
Well, no, I mean, not necessarily.
But why can't we also have some mediocre Barbies who
don't make us feel pressured?
Right? Not--
[cheering, applause]
Mediocrity.
Not every Barbie has to be a girl boss.
Let's have a Barbie who's a paralegal
at a mid-sized law firm, or one who works the lunch
shift at a Just Salad.
There is nothing wrong with Barbies who are just trying
to make it through the day.
[cheering, applause]
But aren't Barbies supposed to be aspirational?
No.
No, Marlon, they're not.
Give me a Barbie who's OK with letting 5,000 emails
pile up in her inbox, OK?
The Barbie who spilled coffee on her shirt, but knows she
can still get another day out of it
if she puts a blazer on top.
[laughter]
The Barbie who spends her Friday nights in bed,
binge-watching Vanderpump Rules, dunkin' carrot sticks
into a jar of peanut butter, and letting her kids
drive themselves to taekwondo.
For the love of god, stop judging me, Marlon!
I wasn't.
But those do feel very specific.
You're specific.
[laughter]
My point is they don't all have to be rock stars.
You think every Ken is a Nobel Prize-winning
aeronautical engineer?
No.
He's just a man with a car and a pubic mound.
And we all accept him!
That's what I want-- the dream of every woman
to be as successful as an average white man.
[cheering, applause]
That doesn't sound like women achieving their dreams.
I'm sor--
I'm sorry.
Are you mansplaining my dreams to me?
On International Women's Day?
No.
What?
No, I wouldn't dare.
No, it kind of--
I feel like you wanted to.
I swear I was not.
I think--
Desi Lydic, please, everybody!