welcome one and all to The Late Show I'm your host Stephen Colbert uh
that comedian famous from Instagram and tick tock
evidently not aware I was not aware of that it's a long story I'd like to start off tonight with
a special shout out to my viewers in Hawaii aloha the hello one as we speak Mauna Loa
the world's largest active volcano is erupting this is monologue's first eruption in nearly
40 years and it's all going down on Hawaii's big island named for the ancient Polynesian Navigator
big guy no one could remember his name no one has been hurt but the eruption did prompt an ash
fall advisory so the same thing you dealt with at Thanksgiving with your chain smoking Aunt
you know when I was a nurse we were allowed to smoke in the ICU
if a patient started coughing that's when they knew they were coming out of the coma
thankfully local communities aren't in a danger because lava flows are contained in the summit
area for now to keep it that way we must appease the volcano Gods with an untouched virgin
Nate silver Hawaii awaits you speaking of disasters threatening to destroy
everything we've got an update about former president Baltimore
last week we learned the former president had dinner at Mar-A-Lago with Kanye West now we
know the dinner also included Holocaust denier Nick Fuentes
imagine having dinner with someone so disgusting and you have no idea
which of those three guys I'm talking about now
getting there
start the car now just in case Holocaust denier doesn't get the point across Fuentes
is not a good guy he has spread anti-semitic conspiracies is considered a white supremacist
by the Anti-Defamation League attended the unite the right rally in Charlottesville in 2017 and the
stop the steel rally on January 6th that is the alt-right egot as in he got zero hugs as a child
now this dinner this dinner was a multi-course tasting menu of crazy but we don't know exactly
what happened because it's become a real he said yay said for instance Kanye plans to run for
president again and after Neil he claimed I think the thing that the ex-president was most perturbed
about me asking him to be my vice president [Applause] you asked him to be your vice president
how would that even work can you send a mob to hang yourself find my neck find my neck apparently
Kanye's suggestion was not taken well he says the ex-president started basically screaming at me at
the table telling me I was going to lose that's just how Mar-A-Lago celebrates guest birthdays
I hear someone's turning five you know what that means the former leader of the Free World
is here to scream about ballot dumps [Laughter] so that's yay's story but the former president
apparently attended an entirely different completely insane dinner because afterwards
he posted we got along great and Kanye expressed no anti-Semitism oh [Applause] not sure that helps
I had a lovely dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer we got along great left with all my organs
all fixed
thank you thank you
that's not even the Holocaust denier part when news got out about this uh Nick Fuentes
guy and the ex-president started getting a lot of criticism he put out a statement
saying our dinner meeting was intended to be Kanye and me only but he arrived
with a guest whom I had never met and knew nothing about okay I'm not sure I was only
scheduled to have dinner with one famous anti-semite is the defense he thinks it is
like a husband saying sweetheart it's all a big misunderstanding I was only supposed
to be sharing that hotel room with my yoga teacher she brought your sister
stop I didn't
also as somebody who's had the privilege of meeting with former presidents they
know who's coming to dinner you don't get to just drag along some Rando there's extensive
background checks I'm pretty sure Barack Obama's team has a Blu-ray of my colonoscopy
with director's commentary [Laughter] this is beautiful
turning to footstuff the World Cup keeps on a cupping on Friday the U.S national team
faced off as big underdogs against soccer Powerhouse England and we kicked their
spotted dicks decisively defeating them zero to zero oh hell yeah boom take that
we don't even care about soccer and we tied England at their own stupid game
this would be like the Brits coming over here and tying us at heart disease
thanks to what's being called the tie heard around the world the U.S team is still alive
and we'll move on to the next round if they win tomorrow against Iran but there's trouble in them
that our feet because going into the match Iran is calling for the U.S to be kicked out
of the World Cup yes kicked out or headed out as long as no one uses their hands
this is all this is all political because the Iran Iranian regime is currently facing unprecedented
levels of protest and to show support for the protesters the U.S soccer Federation displayed
Iran's national flag on social media without the emblem of the Islamic Republic oh that is some
shade take a look at this graphic here is Iran's flag here is the one the U.S soccer posted which
looks like the Italian flag fell on its side after too much Chianti once Iran saw that flag
they complained to FIFA's Ethics Committee FIFA has an Ethics Committee [Applause] really car
might as well file a public decency complaint with your local Subway masturbator I like to
file a okay can you just pause for a second no don't make eye contact with me I understand
I'm gonna go get a raincoat back stateside early voting kicked off this weekend and the
Georgia Senate runoff election and the candidates have been busy making their
closing arguments and Walker made a slight flub uh during his see if you can catch it first of
all this election is more than Herschel Walker this direction is about the people
[Applause]
that's unfortunate but accurate
Herschel Walker has certainly given many people access to his erection obviously Walker just
missed up Oak but it's an easy mistake given that he was standing between two dicks there's
thank you
good family joke there's a hot new Walker Scandal for voters to consider as they head to the polls
now turns out even though he's running for a Georgia senate seat Herschel Walker claims his
Texas home as his primary residence all right yes I know that sounds bad but before anybody
judges him keep in mind there's a good chance Walker thinks Texas is in Georgia
it's all explained in his new show Walker Texas stranger
so that peach
karate chopped forces and stuff this past Thursday was Thanksgiving everyone have a good holiday
that's lovely that's nice I'd love them I'm glad you did mine was ruined because the headliner
of this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was the queen of Christmas herself Mariah Carey
and when it came time for her to sing her holiday Classic All I Want For Christmas
she used a teleprompter even worse so did Santa oh line [Laughter] [Applause]
Mariah's team offered an explanation saying that the teleprompter was used
to give the audience the opportunity to sing along Counterpoint they don't need it
at this point none of us need it
you know the lyrics and I know all the lyrics I don't want a lot for Christmas there is just one
thing I need I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree I just want you
for my own more than you could ever know make my wish come true All I Want For Christmas Is You
[Music]
you there
it's that simple beautiful voices
I didn't even need a teleprompter see we got a great show for you tonight my
guests are Don Lemon and Gabrielle Union but when we come back meanwhile join us
[Music] [Applause]