G'day, A.J. Mahari here this isn't brand new news for anybody however it bears repeating
after a bpd or for that matter npd relationship breakup whether you were ghosted whether you had
to end it no matter which way it ended nothing short of full no contact is going to help you heal
and recover in fact every single time you have any contact whatsoever reverse hoover stealth
hoover of social media or you get hoovered and you engage you leave one avenue of contact open
and you have not closed the door on the focus the desire to change the focus on on the x or
the person with bpd you had to go no contact with or a narcissist you must fully go no contact
when it feels most impossible please know this is a compassionate message a reminder
a hopefully motivating impetus for you to realize just how impossible your recovery
from the relationship and subsequently after and or during codependency recovery is impossible
when you're still in contact with a borderline or narcissistic ex the borderline or narcissistic
dysfunctional family of origin the borderline parent with no treatment who's been driving
you crazy your whole life or the narcissistic parent or a narcissistic or borderline sibling
you know you've been rescuing them forever to just you know when nothing ever stops
and it's always the same thing and they're interrupting your life and they interfere
with other people's marriages they interfere with families they interfere with everything
but here's the thing i just really and i'm just trying to be motivational full no contact
is what is required nothing less and nothing more and this is different if you have children
it might have to be extreme low contact but i'm not going to focus on that in this video
this is for people whether you are the adult child of a borderline or narcissist acts of a
borderline or narcissist with no children involved with their grandchildren family member sibling of
a narcissist or a borderline and then you keep getting re-wounded full no contact is the only
only solution it feels impossible so you are as a codependent after a bpd or npd relationship
breakup you are in this middle of impossibility that is the most excruciating painful thing
you've likely ever experienced and felt in your life you are in between not knowing how to be with
yourself fully not wanting to be with yourself not wanting to face the dysfunctional relationship you
have to and with yourself and not wanting to go through the withdrawal that happens especially
with the love addiction aspect that is more so the case for some but not all with codependency
and that initial withdrawal if your full no contact doesn't last as long as people think
it does because what else is happening is you're starting to feel the loss the pining the longing
the beginnings of grief and some people really want to escape those feelings equally as much
as they want to escape anything else and it does bring about a really heightened acute loneliness
and the other thing about all of this is that you have not loved altruistically this was not
your soul mate this was not meant to be it was an unhealthy bond and the reason you can also feel an
extra painful longing beyond even the beginning of loss and grief is because your wounded inner child
that person with bpd or the narcissist that was in your life in many different relationship types
is so familiar to your wounded inner child that there's a pain and a part of this pain that is so
in your subconscious so coming from your past that you're not maybe yet aware of or understanding or
going to be able to deal with that right now but there's lots of reasons in all of these situations
and the no closure among them why people have so much difficulty closing the door or leaving
it closed if you were ghosted but again i just really want to stress this is your way forward
you need to close the door you need to for the first time in your life care enough about yourself
and to understand that you are not the person abandoning anyone you've been abandoning yourself
that for you to go no contact fully from the borderline or narcissist that was in your life
the ex the family member the sibling the parent whatever the case may be you are not ghosting
them you are not doing anything to them that they did to you you are taking care of yourself and
putting yourself first for maybe the first time in your life that you you wouldn't be quote not
being yourself unquote if you were to take care of yourself you won't be breaking beliefs and
values if you were to take care of yourself people feel this way and these are actually
often rationalizations and justifications and it's your codependent programming from childhood you're
not altruistic you don't love extra specially in fact it's not even healthy and it's not healthy
for you either and it's not about that you can save or rescue anybody it's about your
continued self-abandoning which is a re-abandoning to one degree or another for people's codependency
of your self of the very precious wounded inner child in you that is so longing for you to give
even an ounce of the attention to that part of self inside that you've given and over given
to the ex-narcissist or borderline if you don't do what feels impossible
make that most difficult choice make the choice with the most adversity decide to be the kite
that's going to learn how to fly higher into the winds of adversity because if you don't make those
decisions for yourself you are blocking your own recovery and more to the point you are increasing
your own pain and suffering and every time there's any contact stealth hoover of social media
reverse hoover hoover for any reason whatsoever you're going to be re-wounded
any ground you gained will be lost whether they contact you or you want to contact them
you have to go full no contact for yourself avoid getting in touch with your ex do not allow them
any opening to contact you and if you give in to that urge to contact it totally stalls your
healing no contact is necessary full no contact nothing short of that so that your mind can adjust
to the new order of your life going forward contact us put you back into the old world and
the mind slams on the brakes and again the hyper arousal of your amygdala begins with fight bite
freeze or fawn responses as your stress and pain levels increase mounting that threat to survival
again for the amygdala the reptilian brain that's going to try to protect you as if you're being
launched at by a tiger that's about to devour you which puts you right back into the state
that you might have just started to get out of where you were just starting to feel a little
bit better to grieving or beginning to adjust and beginning to move toward healing go and stay
full no contact that means no phone calls no emails no text messages no accidentally on
purpose run-ins going totally no contact means you also totally lock and entirely unfollow
your ex on all social media so whatever it is facebook instagram snapchat linkedin pinterest
all the other things blocked them on all the other apps out there because there's many many that i'm
not going to think of or there's some out there i've barely even heard of this is a unbelievably
difficult boundary to set for yourself it is a boundary called one word sentence no that's
what you're going to be saying not literally but you're saying that to the to the ex or the person
whoever it was in your life with bp or npd it's a big no exclamation mark full sentence nothing
gets explained and there isn't going to be any closure there so you don't want to maintain the
illusion of continued connection you don't want to try to be soothing yourself or calming yourself
or trying to address your pain with any delusion of just one more hit just one more time being
disconnected entirely means accepting the reality of the breakup it's exactly what people need to do
especially as a recovering codependent you need ample time and space away from the person but
this isn't something you're going to change in the future that this person that you were messed
with to you know and that you thought you loved who they were so that you can get in touch with
yourself and i'm trying to motivate you and remind you and stress for you why full no contact is the
only way you can go here to recover otherwise you increase your suffering you will continue
to be in pain and you will block your recovery and your pain will continue to exponentially get worse
which is something that's hard to imagine because so many people struggle with full no contact
because of course that makes your pain worse for a while and while so many people with codependency
after being goes through a relationship breakup maybe going partially no contact just say well
i can't go full no contact because i'm not ready yet i can't is a choice it's a choice that goes
against yourself and you're never going to feel ready it's time to just take that action for
yourself it brings up the grief it's complicated complex grief in its own right but i just want you
to know i've been in your shoes i am the ex of a cluster b myself and that's my reality for years
now i'm on your side of the fence and i know what it feels like and i remember after the bpd npd
alcoholic when it was final benito that day in may it was may 8 2007 i still remember that so as i
say this to you please know i've walked in your shoes i'm not just saying this as the counselor
and coach that works with people that's making these videos to help you i'm also saying that as
the ex of a bpd comorbid npd alcoholic so into quite borderlines but when i totally cut it all
off all the contact and everything and i remember at least six to eight months of rumination
part of the reason for the rumination struggle is how to get to full no contact
to be able to begin the radical acceptance that the relationship is over because until you do that
you can't really get into processing and feeling the grief so radically accepting the relationship
is over going no contact is crucial to really being able to start making incremental
progress in healing if this resonates with you i mean i'm out here to work with you and help
you if i resonate but the other thing i want to say is please know and hear me when i say
i have walked those unforgiving months to a year and a half to two years in a person's life
as a codependent just not knowing what you're gonna do with yourself from moment to moment
i have walked that walk i and i talked to talk and i went through it and i got through it it
is the strongest most foundational fundamental healing and then healing the codependency which
didn't happen right away but really i got a lot of that work done then and continued on and i'm not
codependent in my life uh you know i don't really have codependency issues in my life at all and i'm
in a fantastically healthy relationship now and i've had a couple of others along the way i've
been in your shoes so i've watched the talk i'm not just talking the talk and if you have heard
this message from me and others a million times let this be the one time when you really sit there
i want you to go look in the mirror right now i want you to re-listen back to this part go look in
a mirror right now look at yourself why don't you love yourself enough to do this for yourself what
is it that you need to know more about yourself why can't you let go it's not that you can't it's
that you won't why won't you let go why won't you do what feels impossible but what you need to do
so that you can start to move forward and recover and heal look in that mirror at that person
and try to visualize the wounded inner child inside of you take a step toward yourself
today full no contact from the borderline or the narcissist in whatever relationship type
is the only way i hope if you haven't done it yet you nothing short of that get out of your own way
for once it's impossible as it feels know that you can stand this pain a full no
contact because you deserve it and it might not feel like that for a lot of people with
codependency codependency can be an extremely deep wound it's not the same for everybody but you need
this you deserve this and you must choose it for yourself it is a big first step to getting to know
yourself into becoming your own best friend and to finding self like and self love and to
creating a functional and healthy relationship to and with yourself because that's your utmost task
now never mind the next woman the next man the next relationship how about you start a process
going full no contact right now no matter how much it hurts because it's only gonna
hurt more if you don't do it so you can start to build a relationship with yourself take care