do you realize we live in
a time with more choices
than any other time of
the history of the world?
Do you realize that?
If you doubt it,
let me ask you a question.
When's the last time
you sat in front of a TV
with a remote control . . .
and went through 900 channels . . .
and there was nothing on?
(audience laughing)
There's too many choices,
and we're inventing new choices
and solving problems nobody has.
We're helping with
questions nobody's asking.
I'm driving on the interstate.
Speed limit, 55.
Speed limit's 70. That's my favorite.
Have you ever seen the ones
they put on the bottom
about every 10th sign:
minimum speed, 40 miles an hour.
Have you seen them?
Why?
(audience laughing)
Why do we need that choice?
Are there people driving around going,
"Hey, man, you see any cops?
"I'm doing 35! Woo!"
(audience laughing)
We're solving problems.
This is one of my favorites.
My kids every October mock me.
"Dad, here's your favorite candy.
"Ha ha ha ha ha."
It's a tube of candy.
It's been about 12 years now.
Mini M&Ms.
Have you seen them?
Yes. Why?
(audience laughing)
Why did we need that choice?
Were people eating regularly M&Ms,
going, "Oh, dang.
"I can't finish a whole one!
(audience laughing)
"Just wish they would
"make 'em smaller.
(audience laughing)
"I'll put that in some foil and
"eat the rest of that later."
(audience laughing)
Too many choices.
And they're inventing
new choices every day.
And I guarantee you . . .
I'll give you an example of
why there's too many choices.
Every person in here
in the last 30 days,
you have been in a car with a friend,
a spouse, a loved one or a neighbor,
and you have had this conversation
around the evening time.
"So,
"where do you want to eat?"
I don't know. Where do you wanna eat?
"I don't care. What do you feel like?"
I don't know. What do you want?
"Doesn't matter to me?
"What do you want?"
How 'bout pizza?
"I don't want that."
(audience laughing)
I thought you said, "It didn't matter!
(audience laughing)
Drive around for days.
You finally get to a restaurant,
there's more choices.
Would you like a table or
booth? Inside, outside?
High top, low booth?
(mumbling)
Now, they try to get you
into that choice-making mode.
First question they ask is
"Would you like something to . . .
- [Audience] Drink.
- Drink. 'Cause everybody
has a favorite drink.
Dude, what's your favorite drink
if you could have anything?
- [Man] Root beer.
- Root beer! Very good.
What's your favorite drink?
- [Woman] Dr. Pepper.
- Dr. Pepper. What's yours?
- [Woman] Water.
- Water?
That's your favorite drink?
(audience laughing)
Is that your wife?
She's a wild one, isn't she?
(audience laughing)
Water! That's awesome!
I bet you love vanilla ice cream too,
don't you?
(audience laughing)
That's great! No, that's awesome!
(audience laughing)
I'm outside the South, but I gotta say
my favorite drink—anybody here
like sweet iced tea?
Anybody else?
A couple. See, now, I'm from the South.
I'm out of my element because
I'm like, sweet iced tea,
I love sweet iced tea,
and you can't get it.
If you ask for sweet iced tea,
they're like, "Oh, it's not unsweet,
"but there's sugar . . .
(audience laughing)
"on the table."
I'm like, yeah, and there's a moon . . .
in the sky.
'Cause if you drink sweet tea,
you know sugar does not
dissolve in cold tea.
It's like a snow globe. You stir it up.
(audience laughing)
It's like drinking unsweet tea
'til that last sip.
Whoa! Wow!
(audience laughing)
But I love it, so I
started using sweeteners.
I got the pink ones,
and my one friend goes,
"Oh, you know, that causes cancer
"in lab rats."
I'm like, do I look
like a rodent to you?
(audience laughing)
So I started using the blue ones.
He said, "Oh, you know,
"that kills brain cells,
"'causes short-term memory loss."
You know what I do now?
I use one of each.
(audience laughing)
She said, "Do you drink water?"
(audience laughing)
That was awesome!
I use one of each,
and then if somebody starts
to say something,
I go, hey, if I get cancer,
I don't wanna know about it.
Okay? Just leave me alone.
(audience laughing)
But I think we have so many choices
that we have lost common sense.
I'll give you my favorite example.
In Atlanta, we had a stadium
called the Georgia Dome.
A buddy of mine asked me to go
and I'm like, "Yeah."
We had great seats
in the Georgia Dome.
We were in the fifth row from the roof.
(audience laughing)
Buddy of mine says,
"Which team are we?"
I said, we're the little silver red dots.
(audience laughing)
But as we went,
got done with the game,
they have those huge ramps
that spiral down
until you get to the bottom
and you have vertigo.
And then he grabbed my arm.
He says, "Hey, come here."
I did not know about this,
but on each end of the Georgia Dome,
there's an express escalator.
Goes from the top level
all the way to the bottom.
We get on that,
you watch people spiral,
and you're just going,
"Hey, this is great."
The only problem was, halfway down,
it's like 100, 150 yards long.
It's massive.
All of a sudden, just—(clunk)
It broke.
But then, we stood there.
(audience laughing)
I'm leaning over like,
Why are we standing here?
And I can't see, 'cause hundreds
of people are leaning over going,
"Why are we just standing here?"
We stood there two and a half,
almost three full minutes,
stranded on this escalator.
(audience laughing)
I wish it was me,
but finally this guy in the back
just screams at hundreds of people,
"Walk!
"Just walk!"
(audience laughing)
I wish I could've seen
the guy in the front,
"Oh, dang. And I was almost there, too.
(audience laughing)
"I hope they fix this soon.
"I gotta get home.
(audience laughing)
"I'm gonna eat the rest of this M&M."
(audience laughing)