Hello, my name is Daniel and I identify as homoromantic asexual.
Today we’re going to answer the question “What is demisexuality?”
This video won’t be comprehensive.
I’m just going to be covering the basics of demisexuality, to give you a succinct
yet accurate overview of what demisexuality is.
Let’s start with a definition: demisexuality is defined as not being able to feel sexual
attraction to people of any gender until a strong emotional bond is formed with someone.
Usually, this emotional bond takes the form of a platonic friendship or romantic relationship.
Unlike other orientations, demisexuality describes how you feel attraction, not whom you're feeling
attraction towards.
As such, demisexual people may choose to use it as a modifier on other sexual identities,
such as “demi-homosexual”, “demi-straight”, or “pan demisexual”.
But what does it mean to form a strong emotional bond with someone?
What is the trigger that causes a demisexual person to feel sexual attraction?
Honestly, that depends from person to person.
For some people, it can take months or even years of an intimate friendship with someone before
they can feel sexual attraction.
But that’s not the case with everyone. As with all things to do with sexuality, it's a spectrum.
It is worth noting that demisexuality does not preclude feeling other forms of attraction
before forming an emotional bond.
A demisexual may feel platonic, sensual, or even romantic attraction towards someone before
they are able to feel sexual attraction.
See my video about the split attraction model to hear more about that.
So, demisexuality is only feeling sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed.
Simple, right?
Well, not according to some people.
A common critique of demisexuality as an identity is saying that “That’s how everyone
feels”.
This is often used by people who think erroneously that demisexuals are straight people trying
to muscle in on the LGBT+ community by creating a label for themselves.
Obviously, this is not the case. And not only because someone who is demisexual can be queer in other ways,
such as being trans or non-binary, or feeling sexual or romantic attraction towards people of their own gender or multiple genders.
However, there is a difference between demisexuality and what we think of – as a society – as
“typical” sexuality.
A lot of people choose not to have sex with those they don’t know personally.
This could be for reasons such as sexual health, religious abstinence, or just not
enjoying hook-ups.
However, even though those people may choose not to have sex, they may still feel sexual attraction.
That is very different from demisexuality, where a demi person does not feel that
sexual attraction until the emotional bond is formed.
It's the difference between abstinence - the choice for whatever reason not to have sex - and sexual attraction.
Let’s look at some examples that give credence to this point.
1.
It is quite common for allos to want to have sex with celebrities, or people that they
don’t know.
If everyone was demisexual, then they would have no desire to do so.
2.
Demisexual people can still have sex, despite not feeling sexual attraction.
Like asexual people, there are many reasons why demisexuals may choose to have sex
If a demisexual person is having sex and therefore functioning
from an external perspective entirely the same as everyone else, why would they need to make an orientation for themselves?
The reason is that there's something internally different about them.
That makes them feel distinct from everyone else because they are.
3.
A hook-up is sex with a stranger, or someone whom you’re not in a relationship with.
If everyone were demisexual, then no one would have hook-ups, or hire sex workers for that
matter.
People can be sexually attracted to strangers, but demisexuals cannot.
Hopefully that has convinced you that demisexuality is a distinct and valid identity.
There is a broad range of experiences even within the demisexual community, so I’m
certain that this video won’t have covered all the nuances, but I hope it’s been a
good introduction to the topic.
At the end of the day, it is the choice of the individual to identify as demisexual.
If that’s the label that fits them best, then that label should be respected.
Identities help us better discuss our experiences and find people whose experiences are similar
to our own.
Going forward with this series, I’m going to be covering other aspec identities, and
looking at some aspects of the ace and aro communities in more depth.
The next videos in this series will be covering some aspec microlabels.
If there’s a particular microlabel you’d like to bring to my attention, leave it in
the comments below!