A lot of boys
back in the day would go to the bookies shop and things like that
I found myself in the tattoo shop for some reason
there's a few I regret probably
but everyone that I've got on my body
I can remember the time that I got it done
I can remember how I was feeling
and remember why I got it done
My name is Ryan Stevenson
36 years of age
I started off
playing boys club down in Ayrshire
and went down to Chelsea when I was 13
I stayed there till I was just turning 18
came back up and then signed for St Johnstone professionally
and then went on to Ayr United
and moved to Hearts
and it's Ryan Stevenson
with a blockbuster
Stevenson to complete a glorious hat-trick
I got my first tattoo when I was 14
My dad had a massive panther on his left arm
which I was infatuated by from a young age
and back in the day
you know you could find these little
side street alley tattoo shops that you could go in
and you know people would turn this up a sorta blind eye
and I went in and got a tattoo
I remember going in and I'm looking through the books
and I'm thinking I want to get something that one
that my mum and dad'll no kill me
and something that I can hide
so I got a little dragon
which is now covered up
but that was the first tattoo I got
was a sort of dragon on the top end of my left arm
I've probably got about 40 or 50 tattoos
all together
and I would hate myself the fact the money that I've spent
but I don't think in general
I don't think it's as much as what people would probably think
the boy that does my tattoos knows he's getting a repeat customer
so he gives me a good deal
Myself and my oldest son Carter
when I was captain for Hearts against Celtic
he was a mascot and he walked out with me
I've got a portrait of that on my back
you know it's probably the most special tattoo that I've got it
It was against the grain, I think it was against the norm
and I think at times that people
especially sort of the older generations
manager, chairman, things like that
It was, did they want you representing their club
having all these tattoos all over your hands and your neck and things like that
again if you go back to then it would be quite a thuggish thing
that they would look and see
You were silly
I remember that that was pretty much the phrase you would get
What are you gonnae do when you're older?
I do think when I was younger it had an effect on me
people who would look at me
if I went into a restaurant or I went certain places
that would judge me because of how I looked
with tattoos, you were sitting there thinking if I go in here what's the manager gonnae say
is he gonnae...is he gonnae go off his head?
is he gonnae to have a go at me?
I still get it just now where people have pops at you
you know look at the state of your tattoos
what about this, what about that
It's all part and parcel of who I am
and it's all part and parcel of the journey that I've been on through my life
I think at the early stage of your career as a footballer
you're bulletproof, you have to be bulletproof
and you actually enjoyed
the banter
you enjoyed actually people, the away fans giving you a bit a stick
and when I got to the stage I was at Raith Rovers
if one person said something to me
the mental state that I was in at the time
it affected me not just on the Saturday during the game
but it affected me the Sunday, the Monday
the full week leading up to the next game I would be nervous
I was anxious
and I think that was obviously just down to where I was
in my own life
personally, the actual situation of me
and my boy's mum splitting up was
inevitable
It was, you know it's part of life
but the actual
The deeper part of missing my kids every single day
when you don't have them was just
it just crippled me
I would go to training and come back and I'd be sitting just
wondering what they were up to
you know, it totally broke me down
I felt pretty embarrassed about it
because how could
how could I be sitting there saying I'm going through a hard time when
you know
I've lived such a good life, I've lived my dream
and I felt embarrassed by the fact that I was then saying
you know that I was struggling
But I just knew within myself that
I had to find a way out of it
I think when you're younger you always chase the glory
you always chase the dream of
being better
being bigger
earning more money
for me now
what I would like to do is give something back to the game
is give something back to players who are maybe coming up through
who are going through things
I'm privileged to
to be able to do things like this, where I can come out and say
what I've been through
and how I felt
If that can help just one person
then I know
at night when I put my head in my pillow, that I've done the right thing
Having tattoos on your face or on your hands
or on your neck doesn't make you a bad person
you are who you are