Welcome to Dark Corners Top Ten Christmas Horror films!
And this is a top ten with a difference -
we have nice list, of the best five Christmas horror films,
and our naughty list of the worst, which kicks off with...
'Merry Christmas, little boys and girls.'
There's nothing offensively bad about Christmas Evil,
well, a kid watching santa going down on his mother in the opening scene but other than that.
And it's not an uninteresting story, of a man suffering a mental breakdown during an attempt to be Santa.
It's actually worse than bad - it's dull.
'Ok, turn around...'
'OK, sideways, turn sideways.'
This is the one irredeemable sin of film-making,
dullness is unforgivable,
and when your film deals with a sexually repressed St Nick on a murder spree,
it's also baffling. How do you make that dull?!
'Why is it snowing Grandma? Where does it come from?'
This seems a pretty low placing for such a great film,
but in a Christmas horror film list Edward Scissorhands feels a little out of place because...
a) although it undoubtedly contains horror elements
'Oh my, I can see that I've disturbed you.'
(Vincent Price for one, and of course the Frankenstein theme)
is it really a horror film?
And b) although it is undoubtedly set at Christmas,
is it really a Christmas film?
The holiday just doesn't play such an integral role as it does in other films on this list.
'It's unbelibeable they are having Christmas party anyway.'
Other than that; great Christmas horror.
Perhaps the most famous of the Santa slasher films,
but more because of campaigns against it and attempts to ban it than its quality,
'These people have nothing to be proud of even if they made a few bucks off the negative publicity.'
'The profits truly are blood money.'
With little to recommend it bar some relatively imaginative gore and Linnaea Quiggley's rack.
It's not the most subtle of horror films either -
should Billy be traumatised by a crazy grandpa,
'If you see Santa Claus tonight you better run boy.'
the rape of his mother,
the murder of his father,
or sadistic nuns?
Why not all 4? After all, that would do it.
'Explain this would you?'
Still, it is better than Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 - which features about half the first film edited in as flash backs
and 10 minutes of credits to bring it up to feature length...
'Garbage day!'
Then there is 3, 4, 5 and Silent Night Deadly Night, A new Christmas Carol.
None of which we've put on the list because that would be the list,
and because there's naughty and then there's downright crap.
'Santa Claus is gone....'
'Who is it?'
Someone actually asked us to review Black Christmas but, while it may not be a masterpiece,
it's clearly too good for Dark Corners!
'It says the calls are coming from 6 Belmount Street.'
'For Christ sake Nash, you got it wrong, that's where the calls are going into.'
'That's where they're coming from too sir.'
Genuinely tense, great characters who interact in interesting and believable ways.
'Ho ho ho shot,'
Probably the best role Margot Kidder ever had.
'How could I make something like that up.'
and a eerily unsettling ending.
It's now considered to be the first film to have an unidentified, serial killer,
and was a major influence on John Carpenter's Halloween.
We're of course talking about the 74 original, we'll have none of this remake nonsense.
'Oh hell not again.'
Although keep your eyes open for this year's Dark Corners Christmas review.
Next on the naughty list,
one of many of these films that starts with a young man seeing his mommy doing stuff with Santa Claus,
that goes way beyond kissing, and going pretty off the rails as a consequence.
'I deserve a chance to to be happy Wayne and so do you.'
Years later the man becomes obsessed with a horror film actress called Raven Quinn,
whose female co-stars, he starts to kill,
'I'm so please to have such a strong supportive fan like you Wayne.'
'I just loved you in your last movie.'
giving the film a exploitative excuse to crowbar in quite a lot of softcore nudity.
'The girls all have beautiful bodies and health guys enjoy looking at them.'
The killings are done with a claw...
'Wayne?'
'I'm not Wayne, I'm Santa Claws!'
You can probably see what they've done there.
'Do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME!'
It does have some legitimate things to say about obsessed fan stalkers, it's a shame it does this in such a sleazy way.
'It's basically an excuse for bunch of horny guys to watch a bunch of naked women.'
Unless you're German, then the strangest thing about Krampus is that this is based on genuine folklore,
which makes the whole naughty and nice thing seem pretty damn tame by comparison.
This is a cool little horror with a wicked sense of humour,
about a demonic spirit that punishes those who lose their Christmas cheer.
'I told you we should have gone to my brother's.'
'Sure Howard, Christmas on a pig farm.'
'Jesus was born in a barn'
And when we say punish, we don't mean coal in your stocking
as much as killer jack-in-the-boxes and evil gingerbread men dragging you to hell.
Seriously, you better watch out.
A collision between a prison transport and a genetics truck on a snowy road leads to a convicted serial killer mutating into a psychopathic snowman.
If that sounds funny then it is at least meant to be.
But how funny you find the rest of it, really depends on your opinion of snowman rape scenes.
I'm not a fan.
'Looks like Christmas came a little early this year.'
'Well hope it was as good for you honey.'
This is one of those films made by people who think that you can deliberately make a film that's so bad it's good -
you can't.
'It wasn't meant to happen like this.'
It's not funny when it's deliberate, and in this case, it's a bit nasty.
'Frostbite, next time we'll use mistletoe.'
On the other hand it's nowhere near as bad the following year's Jack Frost with Michael Keaton.
'Sure kid, don't have a meltdown'
Just missing out on the top spot of our Nice list, is a rare export indeed,
a genuinely original Christmas movie, and a good horror film as well,
based on two short films made by the same director, Jalmari Helander.
There has always been something a little creepy and a little suspect about Santa Claus,
the whole creeping into your home by night thing, punishing the naughty.
Rare Exports takes that general idea and turns jolly old St Nick into a terrifying apparition,
a dark creation from a time when myths were cold and bloody and designed to scare the shit out of you.
This release of grotesque folklore into a sanitised modern world,
that has rounded the edges off so many of its old stories is what really drives the film,
taking the Krampus idea and cleverly allying it to a familiar, and traditionally good character.
Unlike so many killer Santa films, Rare Exports doesn't suggest that the killer has misunderstood who Santa Claus is -
it suggests that we have.
Is Don't Open Till Christmas the worst Christmas movie ever?
'Only three more killing days til Christmas.'
The inclusion of the "addtional scences, written and directed by" credit does little to imbue confidence.
It's certainly very bad: nasty, gory, sleazy and downright indecent.
'Indecent? I'm a professional.'
with vague motives, unlovable leads who may or may not actually be the leads,
idiot police, and a serial killer who apparently waits in such obvious places as the London dungeons and strip clubs for Santa Claus to just show up,
'I'd love to have you sitting on my knee.'
Which he does.
But what gives this its place at the top or bottom of our naughty list is that it's a film that literally kills Santa.
Not once, but nine times.
How much less Christmassy can you get than a film in which Santa is impaled through the mouth...
Stabbed in the eye...
Garrotted and barbequed...
Castrated...
And stabbed in every other body part available.
Don't Open Till Christmas, don't watch at all.
At the top of the nice list, with a certain degree of inevitability, we find Gremlins.
The first thing that's brilliant about Gremlins, and what makes it the ultimate Christmas horror,
is that it's about the best Christmas present ever,
'What is it?'
'It's your new pet.'
The one we all want most in the world, then turns it into something terrifying.
Crucially, without losing the present itself.
A lesser film would have turned Gizmo into a monster, the fact he remains himself, a victim despite everything, makes all the difference.
'It take a certain kind of guy.'
'And that guy needs a certain kind of dame.'
Frankly, this video isn't nearly long enough to talk about Gremlins, the film at the top of the nice list deserves a longer video and you deserve to see one.
So, since it's Christmas, we'll make one! Watch this space for our Gremlins special.
So what we have learnt is that naughty Christmas horror films look for the quick fix -
childhood trauma (usually mummy being a bit of a Ho Ha Ho with Santa) leads to a future of Yuletide murders.
While the good movies remember that Christmas is not just about murder but also laughs.
- no one wants to be depressed by a Christmas film, we might want to see it destroyed - but we like a happy ending too.
Let us know you favourite Christmas films and See all Dark Corners past Christmas reviews, including some on the naughty list here.
And don't forget to subscribe, it's the gift that keeps on giving!
'And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus.'