- Virginity is a complete invention.
Well, it's because of white supremacist, cis-hetero,
capitalist patriarchy.
Obviously.
(yelps) Oh my God, this is so fun!
(sings) It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it.
So recently somebody commented on one of my videos
asking for me to make a video about, what is sex.
And it actually got me thinking, I was like, we talk
about sex all the time here, and yet have we defined it?
Do we all know if we're talking about the same thing?
Do we have the same ideas about what is sex?
So thank you for that comment
because that's what we're going to try and explore today.
It got me thinking about a lot of the language that I used
and that my friends used when we were teenagers,
and then also into my adulthood.
We would have kissing scales and, you know,
it would incrementally go up until you reached sex.
We would say things like, oh, it wasn't real sex.
Or, we did everything but,
and things like going all the way.
If you use any of these phrases, if you've heard any
of these phrases before, then you probably know
that they are referring to penis in vagina sex
which for the rest of this video, I'm just going to say PIV.
Okay, great.
And PIV is the dominant sexual script.
And a sexual script is essentially the kissing scale, right?
It's like the guidelines.
It's the rules of how you get from A to B
and how a sexual encounter should go.
And these sexual scripts are often very cis heteronormative.
There is like one way to do it.
And if you don't do it that way
then there's something wrong with you,
and you should be ashamed.
Obviously. I don't believe that. (scoffs)
Hey! What do I actually want?
It's just like, this is what's done.
So this is how sex works. Right?
And so the PIV sexual script really
doesn't want us to dig any deeper
because PIV loves being the centre of attention.
And it's afraid that if we start to overthink things,
and start to question things,
then maybe PIV wouldn't have its moment in the sun anymore
and maybe be relegated to base two!
Oh my goodness, God forbid!
So in this video, we're gonna be talking about what is sex.
And we're mostly talking about sex as an act.
And I know that a lot of people will also be,
But biological sex is also a definition of sex!
And yes, you are correct.
So, let's just quickly talk about that,
get it out of the way, and then
move on to the act of sex.
So biological sex is not the same as gender.
Gender is man, woman, non binary.
There are infinite genders,
like as many genders as there are people potentially.
And that is how you feel on the inside.
It's also a social construct.
It's also a performance.
And it's also about how you relate to the world
and how you're perceived by the world.
It's lots of things.
Biological sex is female, male and intersex,
but it's actually a bit more complicated than that.
So, biological sex is determined by four different things.
Chromosomes, hormones, genitals, and gonads.
And so, with chromosomes,
most of us never have our chromosomes checked!
We actually don't know.
So some people are X, X, some people are X, Y,
and some people have varying different combinations.
But most of us will actually never know
what our chromosomes are.
Hormone levels fluctuate from person to person.
We associate testosterone with men and oestrogen with women.
But in fact, everyone has a bit of both.
Some women with PCOS have high testosterone.
And hello. I am a woman with low oestrogen.
And also lots of trans folks will take hormones
which will change their levels.
And also, people going through menopause
will have low levels of oestrogen,
and may also take hormones in order to boost it.
So hormones all over the place!
Great.
Genitals. Again, it's not as simple as penis
and vulva because intersex people exist.
Where there'll be different variations of genitals
and also genital reconstruction surgery exists.
And gonads.
These are the inside bits.
So like ovaries and testes.
And again, with intersex people,
there may be variations here,
and some people have to have these organs removed.
So, a woman who's had a hysterectomy
is she no longer female?
A man who has had to have his testes removed?
Is he no longer male?
That was very quick.
That was very brief.
But I just wanted to put that in there.
'Cause I know that people will be like
what about biological sex?
And that is by no means all
of the answers about biological sex.
And I am not an expert on it,
but this video is about banging.
So now we're going to talk about banging!
So, so, so.
Why is penis and vagina, PIV sex, so dominant?
Well it's because of white supremacist,
cis-hetero, capitalist, patriarchy.
Obviously.
Right? (laughs brightly)
So let's talk about virginity.
PIV sex is the sex act that separates virgins
from non-virgins.
And, guess what?
Virginity is a complete invention.
It is not a physical fact.
It is not something that can be observed.
It's a concept created to control people's sexual behaviour.
Especially women's.
Let's take a look
at some of the really icky language around virginity,
which we all use.
Which we've all said at some point.
And then the moment you think about it a bit,
you're like, Hang on. (laughs)
So virginity is something that you can keep, lose,
give or take.
It's an invention!
It doesn't exist!
How can you keep, lose, give or take something
that doesn't exist?
Anyway.
If you lose it, can you find it again?
If you take someone's virginity can you give it back?
And, do you own it forever?
Can you pass on somebody else's virginity?
You know, like circular economy and all that?
So in the culture and in the society that I was raised in,
your virginity status couldn't potentially cause
material or financial ruin.
But it still can in lots of places around the world.
But even in the society that I was raised in,
which I think most of you will also have experienced.
It can still cause huge amounts of shame and stigma.
And this will vary depending on your gender,
and your age, and your social groups, and your culture.
But there's the stigma around not being a virgin,
but then there's also this stigma around being a virgin.
And the world is just totally obsessed
with tracking virginity,
and knowing what somebody's status of having PIV sex is.
But it's actually impossible to prove.
And boy have people tried, and are still trying.
There is a long history of virginity testing,
and I would recommend the chapter
in A Curious History of Sex
to learn more about that if you want to.
But virginity testing is also really pervasive today
in lots of different countries, cultures, and religions.
So I just want to read you a quote
from a 2017 study that reviewed
over a thousand peer reviewed studies on virginity testing.
And I think it's important to add here that virginity
testing is predominantly done on people with vulvas.
That is who, the people who are doing these virginity tests
want to check.
I don't even know if virginity tests
for people with penises even exists,
or if anyone even cares. (chortles)
But this is referring to virginity tests on people
with vulvas, because that is who it affects predominantly.
That is because (sings) patriarchy!
(dry sarcastic laugh)
This review found that virginity examination,
also known as two finger hymen,
or per vaginal examination, is not a useful clinical tool,
and can be physically,
psychologically, and socially devastating to the examinee.
From a human rights perspective,
virginity testing is a form of gender discrimination,
as well as a violation of fundamental rights.
And when carried out without consent,
a form of sexual assault.
Okay, I'm glad we're on the same page.
So the reason I wanted to chat about virginity a bit
is because the concept of virginity,
because it is a concept, it's an invention,
quickly crumbles when we start to actually think
about the question, what is sex?
What counts as sex?
Also, if you're looking for an alternative to virginity,
you could say things like sexual debut,
first sexual experience.
Things like that.
Because then that is broad
for the person to define for themselves.
So what counts as sex?
Does oral sex count?
What about anal sex?
What if two people with vulvas have sex
with each other for the first time?
Are they still virgins?
But what if they use a strap-on?
Does that make it any different?
Can you lose your virginity to yourself?
Can you lose your virginity to a tampon?
Or an apple pie?
What about some disabled folks who don't have
any feeling sensation in their genitals?
Can they not have sex anymore?
And what about people who just don't like penetration?
Do you feel like you had sex?
So I wanna tell a little story.
I used to keep a list of all the people that I'd slept with.
I can't remember why I deleted it,
and actually a bit sad that I deleted it.
But still, I was that person.
I kept a list, oh dear.
And included on that list were a couple of women
that I had slept with.
And they were on the list
because I felt like I had had sex with them.
However, if I actually dissected specifically
the sex acts that we did,
there are plenty of men that I did all of those things with,
but didn't make it onto the list.
'Cause I didn't feel like I'd had sex with them.
Am I making sense? (laughs)
And so why? What is going on there?
Why did I classify the exact same sex acts,
but with a woman, as sex?
But then, those exact same things
with a man, I didn't count it as sex.
Is that because there was the potential for PIV?
And so anything less than PIV just didn't count?
And if I'm being honest,
PIV does actually hold extra weight for me.
And that's because growing up,
it was like the holy grail of sex.
It was the thing that you did to lose your virginity.
And something that I'm trying to wrestle with now is,
do I feel this way about PIV because
it's just really difficult
to shake these really pervasive messages?
Or is it because it's something that I genuinely like
and feels more intimate and intense for me?
And so, it is kind of like this separate thing.
Maybe it's both.
Or maybe it does feel more intense and intimate to me
because that's what I've been taught
to think it should feel like?
And then this overthinking makes me question,
where is the healthy line
between questioning non-judgmentally our feelings,
but then also letting our feelings be whatever they are.
I don't know.
Also as someone who is trying to conceive currently,
PIV is the goal now, like PIV is up there,
and you know, as a sex educator,
who's constantly being like,
(singsong) PIV isn't the answer.
And I'm like, in my real life,
PIV is the answer! (laughs)
It's fine.
So I am, but one heterosexual, cis woman,
in a relationship, with a man,
who's trying to conceive.
And so, having a lot more PIV sex than I normally would be.
And so, I'm not going to have all the answers.
However, as a community
we might be able to come up with something.
So I had a lot of fun,
and I decided to create a word cloud with you!
So I asked my audience on Instagram
to submit to this word cloud,
their answers to, What is sex?
And this is what happened.
- Okay. So I'm about to post the Mentimeter code
for the word cloud on my Instagram stories.
I'm just going to watch the words pile in.
Hopefully.
We'll see what people say.
This is an experiment.
Okay, ready?
Have I got the code, right?
3, 2, 1--
(laughs)
Go.
Now, we wait.
Oh my God. It's happening.
(laughs)
Arousal. Pleasure. Desire.
(yelps) Oh my God, this is so fun!
(gasps) Orgasm fun.
Exciting. Oh my God.
Ooh. Pleasure's gotten bigger.
Connection.
Intimacy.
Vulnerability.
Ooh. I love that.
Closeness.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
All of these words are making me so happy.
(laughs)
I don't know, I'm asexual.
Oh my God.
Oh my God. It keeps moving around.
Intensity. What else is happening?
Choice.
Liberating.
Oh my God. This is so cool.
Big ones are, fun, pleasure, intimacy, connection.
I could sit here and watch this all day, but instead
what I'm gonna do is
I'm going to leave it up.
And then Hannah, in the video that you're watching
will have the finished one
where lots of people have had time to respond.
But this is a great start.
This is so--
Cool!
Think intimacy is the biggest one now.
Love that.
Okay.
Thanks everyone. This has made me very happy.
So I left it all up for the entire 24 hours
that my Instagram story was live.
And so this is what the final word cloud looked like
with 868 people submitting to it.
Which is so cool!
There are so many tiny words on here.
I'm obviously not going to be able to read them all,
but the big ones that I can see in the middle
are pleasure, intimacy, connection, intimate penetration,
closeness, love, passion, vulnerability,
physical, like fun.
What I'll do, is I will post this to my blog
and there's a link in the description to that.
So you can check it out and have a look,
and have a nosy for yourself
because honestly, it is fascinating.
I love it.
We have things like rubbing on each other,
belly raspberries, extra good with love,
whatever you count it as,
attraction and horniness.
Playtime for adults.
Like, I love this.
Have a look in here.
It is so fun.
So what is sex?
It can be PIV, but also, it's not just PIV.
Sex is whatever you feel like it is.
And also, I think it's interesting that a lot of people
are moving away from using the term masturbation
and using solo sex. Because of that language shift,
are we seeing masturbation as sex?
I kind of feel like I do more these days.
And to me, what all of those words
in that word cloud are really getting at,
is that it's not about what you do.
It's the way that you do it.
(laughs loudly)
(chipmunk singsong) It ain't what you do,
it's the way that you do it. It ain't what you do
it's the way that you do it!
And speaking of, it ain't what you do.
It's the way that you do it.
I wanted to talk about the six principles of sexual health
that come from the book,
Treating Out of Control Sexual Behaviour.
But this applies to like all sexual situations.
So if you're hitting these six principles
then it doesn't matter what you're doing, right?
It's the way that you do it. (chortles)
So the first principle is consent.
And this is such a huge topic,
but all I'll say is,
everyone involved needs to be fully consenting
to what is happening.
Do think at some point I want to make a video
about different models of consent.
Because it's kinda interesting.
Number two, non-exploitative.
So this is about, are you using sex
for your own personal gain at the expense of someone else?
Number three, protection from STIs, HIV,
and unintended pregnancy.
Number four, honesty.
So this is the absence of secrecy.
Number five is shared values.
So this is about what does sex mean to you,
and to the person/people you're having sex with?
Does it mean the same thing?
Are those values shared?
And number six is mutual pleasure!
And I'm so glad that this point is in there,
that it is about pleasure.
So what I would love to see is,
instead of people asking questions like,
we did X, Y, Z, does that count as sex?
Or, we did this. Am I still a Virgin?
Instead, asking, do I feel like I had sex?
And also, striving to hit all of these six principles
of sexual health.
Are all of these things present?
And do I feel like I had sex?
(sings) It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it.
(continues vocalising rhythmically)
Okay. Thank you so much for watching.
What is your personal definition of sex?
If you feel like sharing, please do.
Leave it in the comments.
And make sure to subscribe and hit that notification bell
so you don't miss another video.
And I'll see you in the next one.
Bye!
(soothing upbeat music)