-Thank you very much. Enjoy yourself.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, it is that special time of year.
This Sunday is Mother's Day.
That's right. Yeah. So for the next 48 hours,
if you see an Amazon delivery van,
pull over like it's an ambulance, okay?
Do the right -- do the right thing.
Guys, I saw that people will spend about $250
on Mother's Day gifts.
But don't worry, the best gift is free,
which is taking the kids somewhere
so mom can have five minutes of peace.
That's what they want.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Also, just a quick word of advice
to former President Trump --
whatever you were thinking of spending on Melania
this year, I'd double it. I would just -- I would.
Speaking of Trump, in a new interview with Telemundo,
he was asked how he's able to balance his family life
with his ongoing legal issues, and take a listen to his answer.
-I'm able to put it aside and to,
uh, think about other things.
I can, uh -- I'm very ambidextrous, so to speak.
I can do a lot of things at one time.
-Ambidextrous? Yeah.
Then the Spanish subtitle just said "muy incorrecto."
Yeah. "I'm also bilingual,
which means that, like, men and women and...
Be bilingual."
[ Laughter ]
"Women and men, I like them both. Women, of course."
Meanwhile, during a recent meeting at Mar-A-Lago,
Trump apparently asked big oil executives
for $1 billion in campaign cash.
Usually when Trump says he met with Big Oil,
he's talking about Rudy Giuliani.
And -- we got a leak! We got a leaker!
Yep. Trump asked for $1 billion.
He was like, "With the money I have now
plus your help, we'd have $1 billion."
Switching gears, following complaints about rising prices,
McDonald's is launching a new $5 meal to bring back customers.
Yeah, McDonald's won't say how they've reduced costs,
but on the menu, the word "chicken" is now in quotes.
I don't know what that means.
It's a fine line for McDonald's because when prices get too low,
customers are like, "What aren't you telling us?
I mean, why -- why is it this cheap?"
Yeah. Well, this is going viral.
One of Thomas Jefferson University's
graduation ceremonies,
the announcer had trouble pronouncing the student's names
because they were spelled phonetically
to help the person reading it, but it makes it more confusing.
This is real. Watch this.
[ Laughter ]
Thomas!
Thomas, the name of our school, Thomas Jefferson University.
Tamoole. Jelly bean.
-Tamale. -Tamale.
People didn't know whether to make a TikTok or call 911.
I don't know what's happening, but honestly, good for her.
She did the impossible. She made a graduation
entertaining, I mean, so come on,
I'll give her props for that.
Ah, that's so good. Well, get this.
Visitors at a zoo in China discovered the pandas
there were just dogs painted black and white.
This is really -- Can we see a photo?
This is real. Aww.
[ Laughter ]
Visitors went to complain, but the manager was
just a dog with glasses and a tie painted on.
"Like, I'll give you your money back.
What do you want?"
If you're going to try to pass something off as a panda,
maybe don't choose an animal that barks.
I don't know.
You guys see this? On a recent Southwest Airlines flight,
one passenger took a nap in a pretty strange place.
Check this out. Yeah.
See, on Southwest, that's an overhead bin.
On Spirit, it's coach. Yeah.
Guys, there's a lot going on in the news right now,
but instead of me just telling you about it,
I thought it'd be nice to give you the chance
to decide what we talk about.
That's right. It's time for "You Pick the Joke."
Here we go. -♪ You pick the joke ♪
♪ Ha ha ha, you pick the joke ♪
[ Cheers and applause ] -So here's how it works.
I'm going to show you two news stories,
and then you guys get to pick which one we talk about.
Okay, here we go.
Let's take a look at story number one.
-A jobs report coming in lower than expected.
175,000 jobs were added in April.
-Okay, now here's story number two.
-Anaheim police called to Disneyland today
when a 26-year-old man stripped down
and began climbing through the It's a Small World attraction.
-Okay, which story do you want to talk about?
Talk about one or two? [ Audience shouting ]
Two? That's a great choice! Great, great choice.
Alright, we'll do two. Here we go. That's right.
A guy at Disneyland stripped on It's a Small World
and climbed through the water.
Apparently that water was cold 'cause Mickey was like,
"Now I know two Minnies."
Yeah. There you go.
There. That's two. [ Laughs ]
It's a small world after all, yeah.
-Two tiny globes. -Uh...
let's do another pair of stories.
Remember, you got to pick. Here's story number one.
-The Senate overwhelmingly passed
a broad FAA authorization bill
focusing on safety and consumer protections.
-Got it. Here's story number two.
-In Davenport, a couple of suspected car burglars
speed through a neighborhood.
The couple eventually crashed into a parked car.
One of the suspects even had a tattoo with the words
"all gas, no brakes" on his neck.
[ Laughter ]
-One or two? Yeah, two? Yeah.
[ Audience shouting ] Two is a great choice.
That's right -- a car thief crashed his car,
and he had a neck tattoo that said "all gas, no brakes."
His lawyer was like, "You might want to
grow a beard before the trial."
There we go. That's right. That's two.
[ Applause ]
Let's do one last batch. It's your choice.
Here's story number one. -According to Freddie Mac,
the average 30-year fixed-rate mortgage is now 7.22%.
-Now here's story number two. -We are hearing from a man
who claims he ordered a milkshake on Grubhub
but got a cup full of urine instead.
-Alright, there you go. There you go. We gonna go...?
-Two! -Number two on this one?
Thank you, sir, I appreciate it. Good call. That's right.
A guy who ordered a milkshake got a cup of urine instead.
That driver must have thought, "I want to quit,
but I also want to be remembered."
Yeah, guys, that was "You Pick the Joke."
-♪ You pick the joke ♪
♪ Ha ha ha, you pick the joke ♪
And finally, as I mentioned, this Sunday is Mother's Day,
so I wanted to sing a little song to celebrate
all the moms out there.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ If you're in the US, mom is what you say ♪
♪ If you're down in Mexico, you might say madre ♪
♪ If you're out in England, mum is the idea ♪
♪ Or take a trip to Italy where they say mamma mia! ♪
♪♪
♪ If you're really fancy, matriarch is nice ♪
♪ But if you're really laid back ♪
♪ Call your mom home slice ♪
♪ If you're a New Yorker, then just say hello, mudda ♪
♪ Or treat her like she's Taylor Swift ♪
♪ And simply call her mother ♪
♪ Mom-o-mom-o-mom-o-rino ♪
♪ You're the greatest person we know ♪
♪ Mommy, mee-maw, granny, too ♪
♪ Just know we're a fan of you ♪
♪ Mimi, moomy, mommy, mom ♪
♪ Just know you're the bomb.com ♪
♪ Mumu, mama, love you all ♪
♪ Mama say mama sah mama coo-sah-ooh-ah ♪
Happy Mother's Day. We have a great show.
Give it up for The Roots, everybody.
[Questlove singing]
♪♪
Hi, everybody!
Welcome to the show. Oh. Hey, everybody.
Be sure to tune in to NBC this Tuesday, May 14th at 9 p.m...
It is "The Tonight Show" 10th anniversary special.
It is two hours of all of our favorite clips.
You're going to see Taylor Swift,
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,
Brad Pitt, Ariana Grande, Will Ferrell, De Niro.
I ride a roller coaster with Kevin Hart.
It's really fun.
So get your family together, have a party,
call up your friends. You don't want to miss it.
Tuesday at 9 p.m., the "Tonight Show" 10th anniversary.
But first, what a show we have for you tonight.
He wrote, produced, directed, and stars in the new movie "If,"
which hits theaters on May 17th.
John Krasinski is here.
Imaginary friends, imaginary friends.
Fun monsters. It's really fun.
Good family movie.
Also, she executive produced
and stars in the new film "Mother of the Bride,"
which is streaming now on Netflix.
Brooke Shields is joining us tonight.
The one and only.
She is the author of the critically acclaimed the book
Night Watching,
which is also this year's Fallon Book Club winner.
Tracy Sierra is here.
And we got great standup from Jimmy Carr.
Very funny, dude.
Guys, today is Friday.
That's usually when I catch up with some personal stuff.
I check my inbox, I return some e-mails, and of course,
I send out thank you notes.
And I was just running a bit behind today,
so I thought, if you guys wouldn't mind...
Can I write out my thank you notes right now?
James, can I get some thank you note writing music, please?
♪♪
Thank you, college graduation,
for being the day parents tell their kids, "We love you.
We're proud of you.
Now leave so we can turn your room into a gym."
Thank you, new "Planet of the Apes" movie,
for showing us what it would look like
if King Kong had a baby with Ron Weasley.
Thank you, Kenny G's new memoir,
for not going by your original name.
I Believe in Miracles: You Saxy Thing.
Not a bad one.
Thank you, parents giving teachers gifts during
Teacher Appreciation week for basically saying,
"I know my kids annoyed you every day for a year,
so here's a raspberry bath bomb."
It's great.
Thank you naps, for having a 50% chance of waking up refreshed,
and 50% chance of wanting to kill everyone
for the rest of the day.
What?!
Thank you, Mother's Day,
for singlehandedly keeping the homemade
"free hug" coupon industry afloat.
Sweet one.
Thank you, shower curtains, for making getting out
of the shower feel like an off-Broadway version
of "The Full Monty." There you have it, everybody.
Those are our thank you notes.
We'll be right back with John Krasinski.
Come on back.