G'day, A.J. Mahari here with a question for ya
just to think about or ponder if it resonates with you so if you have
codependency and or you're not sure and are you in the impact narrative or
that's what you think is the reason for all your pain cuz you're just so
sensitive and empathic well you might be very empathic but why if you still are
in this situation of either staying with somebody with bpe or a narcissist or
maybe just some other variety of a really unhealthy person and you're in a
relationship with them but meaning here I talk about BPD and NPD and etc so or
if you're the ex of a person with BPD now etc but you're you have you know
you're not moving forward you're in a world of hurt still and maybe you want
them back still where you're wondering if they're gonna Hoover or you might do
the reverse Hoover well I ask yourself a question today write it down journaling
what is it that is driving you to feel so compelled to fight for love that
isn't there to fight for love that the more you find out about borderline
personality people that aren't untreated people in the active throes of it the
more you find that out watching my videos or watching other people's videos
and you know this now why do you think that you still feel this just real
compelling feeling to get back with somebody who
goes to you or to be able to continue to quote fight for unquote a relationship
when in fact it's just it's not working and it's not working out and you're
losing yourself or you might have already lost yourself you're being so
hurt and so wounded and yet it feels so compelling it this is the person for you
when if you're in that place of educating yourself as opposed to being
brand-new to this which some people might be there to is don't so you know
enough already probably intellectually in your head right like you know enough
to know that these people aren't who you you know this person in your life isn't
who you thought they were and I'm not saying so hey you know you
should just fix it no but what is where is it in your emotional self in your
emotions what's driving you to keep trying to fight for love that isn't
there with somebody who's somebody who they other than who you thought they
were when you met them married them fell in love with them I'm sorry I said that
backwards but it's really important because I think too many people are just
in this fight for love to make a relationship work with a person's BPD
let's just stick with that for now who maybe is in many cases people say I
really believe here like on the comments here or clients say to me I really
believe he or she has BPD but they're not even diagnosed me and lots of people
are probably right about what they believe about people they've been close
to that they'd like to get diagnosed with BPD but if they're undiagnosed
diagnosed and don't accept that diagnosis and so what diagnosis and
think they don't have a problem diagnose are not getting in treatment maybe going
to some counseling but nothing's changing and I mean over the course of
time takes quite a while for people to change but and to grow and to heal with
BPD but for people with codependency you need to ask yourself what's your part in
this not what they did to you like I said in my last video what's your
part what is it you need to know more about yourself because there's a reason
in most people's lives was very compelling and calm and core reason why
people can't let go of these people and you really are seeking some kind of
reparation of your own but it's subconscious right you're not doing that
on purpose and or you really want to help the person out it's not either or
it can be and/or you really want to help that person out and rescue that person
and even though people know this in their heads right that this doesn't
usually work and this isn't really rational it's like so what is so
compelling about it for you just just another check-in you know for how is it
that you're in a situation where you you might be feeling I don't know how you're
feeling I'm just putting this out there for people to think about
you might be thinking Andrew feeling it's got to work with this person and
then maybe you're forgetting in that moment or those lots of those moments
this person isn't even who you thought they were now you're trying to recapture
who you thought they were it's it's just not very plausible it's very compelling
it's very painful so again people codependence you have to check in with
themselves that and to realize also that the love you are fighting for it's not
healthy love because healthy love doesn't have to be fought for healthy
love is given freely by people who can give love freely so often there's a
pattern for a lot of people with codependency that the more elusive this
person is and you don't even know who they are anymore and they might keep
ghosting you or they're you know on and off on and off back and forth it's like
they just don't want the relationship then they come back and over and they
want to edition because everything is supposedly changed and you don't know
whether you're coming or going you're so confused be really important to kind of
just sit with that and feel that and not only be aware of it intellectually but
feel it what does it feel like and it probably hurts a tremendous amount to
say the least but then what compels you to go back in that same direction
as opposed to
be taking a step back or just being still and journaling and and and just
not doing what you've normally been doing in a pattern way of contacting
recontacting waiting to be read contacted trying to get back with this
person what about you what's hurting so badly inside of you besides that you
love this person you know all of that that's going on in here now but
something driving an even deeper pain and yeah it's what I've always been
talking about the wounded inner child but that's a very vague concept to a lot
of people so I think one way to look at this too is to think about why are you
so driven to learn more about BPD or NPD or both or BPD NPD and any social
personality sort why are you so driven to figure out are they just BPD or do
they have BPD NPD like because you can't diagnose um but you know you've got a
feeling for what's going on you understand
to a degree what's going on but you might be really confused it's
understandable so painful but here's the question again so how is that chase that
pursuing somebody who isn't even who you thought they were to fight for love
again that isn't healthy that isn't consistent that isn't going to be stable
or or trustworthy instead of being with yourself what so then it goes back to
what I probably sitting in the video put in part the other day you need to really
write down in journal what am i avoiding what hurts in me so so when you ask the
question about what's hurting yes of course you're hurting because of the
person one cluster be in your life or who was in your life or who's an X now
but beyond that what's hurting deeper than even all that hurt that's driving
you to still pursue what's hurt you so badly and I really mean this from a
heart place right there's no judgment here this is really I want to be
empathic and I just want to put these questions out for people to really think
about if it resonates for you if you're still in place where you're still chase
in pursuing somebody that you know isn't who you thought they were somebody
that's already shown you that they can't love you in any healthy way and yet you
chase them harder and harder many people do you pursue and you pursue when you
pursue and you think about it all day long and all night long you can't sleep
properly you're not eating right and you're just so all into thinking about
not on purpose but this is the kindest is what's happening you just can't stop
thinking about this person who isn't even who you thought they were so maybe
think about that for a minute sit with that and realize it it has to do with
that person yes but it has to do with something else inside of you more deeply
and that's really the journey of recovery so I work with people on in
this recovery from these relationships and codependency and many other things
but it and simultaneously we work on I answer a lot of questions I support
people in trying to understand more what happened and that lack of closure and
how these relationships are more painful often while they're going on and they're
more painful after the breakups and any other kind of relationship I can't tell
you how many clients have told me that over 32 years I've had other breakups in
my life why can't I stop thinking about her or him what is wrong with me this is
what other people will say it's not me saying there's something wrong with you
but there is something that you really are pursuing that is continuing to hurt
you even more than or equal ly as much as you've already been hurt so what is
the pursuing a person that's hurt you so badly they can't love you in a healthy
way can't stay be consistent and stay in in
the relationship with you on again off again ghosting hoovering reverse
hoovering getting back together being consumed by this person what you need to
really do to start with if you haven't already is sit down and journal about
this because you really believe you're totally in the pursuit of
the person that you fell in love with who isn't the person you fell in love
with but you're really in pursuit of someone else inside yourself and I hope
that's helpful today it's just something to think about
it's just encouraging you to maybe journal about it if you're in a space
where everything hurts and you can't stop focusing on them and you can't stop
thinking about them and you're still trying to figure out every angle of what
was wrong with them and why did they do what they did even if you could figure
all that out understand it perfectly and some neat package it's not going to
change how much you hurt it's not going to help you recover it's not going to
help you stop the pursuit of the absence of someone the pursuit of the absence of
love the pursuit of the absence of healthy love the pursuit of something
someone part of someone the who that you thought they were that's emotionally
unavailable so write this question down today if this resonates with you what is
it that I'm feeling but what don't I know about myself trying to stay away
from the why question but what needs me to continually feel so compelled it
hurts so much I can't stand it to be in the pursuit of an emotionally
unavailable person and I know this is really painful stuff and so I hope this
will be helpful for some it might just be a reminder for others and many other
people might want watch this video and say well hey I'm already doing that and
great if you are but there will be people who come along and see the video
at some point who might just have got broken up with ghosted by somebody with
BPD or a narcissist discarded by a
narcissist and they're gonna have no idea
and then the pursuit starts and that's an understandable pursuit of knowledge
and understanding but guess what the more you pursue it the more you're
adding to your own pain that you've already been caused and the and you're
going in the opposite direction that you need you're going in the
opposite direction away from the direction of the path that is your
recovery and to actually dealing with these emotions and not hurting and not
losing sleep and not being you know physically affected and stressed out not
able to focus on your job if you in this world you still can go to work what
about you because you matter and you are so worthy and you are worthy of more
than pursuing and chasing after somebody who's not only really hurt you but
they're not really who you thought they were and they're not emotionally
available and they can't love you back take care