- All right, so then
what is self-compassion?
So, I'd like to invite everybody
just to do a little reflection
and that is to think about
a dear friend that you may have,
or just think generally about a friend
who just experienced
some misfortune, you know,
maybe he's failed,
or feels inadequate
and you have, you know,
five minutes with your friend.
How would you treat your friend?
Just thinking to yourself for a moment.
How would you treat your friend?
What would your...
the tone of your voice be?
Physically, what would you do?
What words would you say?
What would be your physical posture?
Vis-a-vis your friend, you know,
would you walk around like
(groaning)
or would you be (sighing softly)
you know?
Just think about
what comes naturally that way.
And then think about a time
when you struggled,
suffered, failed,
felt inadequate.
Maybe. I don't know.
Maybe you didn't get a job you wanted,
or you got rejected by a friend
or somebody, you know,
pissed you in some way.
Think about that.
And what then went on in your head
when you were experiencing discomfort?
Because you had failed
or you feel inadequate.
What is,
if you talk to yourself,
what do you say?
What is the tone?
Are you patient?
Are you inpatient?
Are you demanding?
Are you listening?
What kind of words go through your mind?
What's your physical posture
when you just failed?
And then the question is,
do you notice the difference?
You know,
actually, why don't we open up
the chat for a moment?
And if you want,
you can write down anything
that you might've experienced
during that little reflection,
especially around it.
Was there a difference?
"So for me,
shame and judgment comes up.
Judge myself more
than I would friend."
Carla said.
"I become self critical." Amy.
Sean, "More warm toward my friend."
Margarita, "Very warm towards my friend,
cold towards myself."
All right. Thank you all.
Thank you, Gina.
Now, closed posture for self.
Yeah, we're kind of like this,
you know, right.
Okay. So you get it.
There's a difference
for most of us,
actually, 78% of us
are more compassionate
toward others than ourselves.
We're better at it for others.
And 6% of people
are more compassionate to themselves
than they are toward others.
And about 16% are equal.
Yeah. So
then what is self-compassion?
A informal definition of self-compassion
and if you're following in your
on the PDF,
this is the slide number eight
is treating ourselves
with the same kindness
and understanding
as we would treat a dear friend
when things go wrong.
So it's like a U-turn
naturally we're,
well what's interesting is that
in the Buddhist tradition,
but actually in
all ancient wisdom traditions,
the message is always...
You feel benevolent toward yourself.
You do like yourself
you've been caring for yourself,
your whole life.
You know what that's like
why don't you do the same
for another person?
So in the Varshini Maga, when...
the instruction is
you start with yourself
because it's the most natural thing.
Ironically, now,
is not the most natural thing.
The most natural thing
is actually how we...
Is the kindness that flows
more easily toward others.
So therefore,
the way we teach self-compassion
is we first connect
with how somebody feels
toward a loved one.
And then we add ourselves.
In other words,
may you be happy,
may you be safe,
may you be peaceful,
then we move to,
may you and I be happy,
may you and I be peaceful.
And then very gently,
we see if we can release the other person
and just give that to ourselves.
So we almost kind of trick ourselves
into being kind to ourselves.
But what's really interesting about this is
if you ever wonder in any situation,
"How can I be more compassionate
to myself right now?"
The answer is,
ask yourself simply,
"How would I treat
a dear friend right now?
What would I,
who had the same situation,
what would I say to this friend?
What would I do with this friend?"
And then the question is,
can you do it for yourself?
So people have been practicing
self-compassion for awhile.
They actually are
their own best friend.
This is a remarkable thing,
not to leave your home ever
without your best friend,
not to, you know,
with the most nearest,
the nearest and dearest,
waking up with your nearest and dearest,
going asleep, because actually
we are more capable
of knowing what we need
and giving ourselves
the love we need
than anybody is capable of giving to us.
That doesn't mean we don't need it.
We are social creatures.
We need a lot of love for people
from others, but,
just by thinking,
how would I treat a friend?
Can I treat myself like this?
And then over time
developing that kind of friendship
with yourself,
changes life.
There is never a moment of loneliness.
There is never a broken heart
that isn't touched
by your own heart.
So this is possible.
I've certainly over the last 15 years,
gotten closer and closer to that.
And I'll never get there
because self-compassion
is not a destination.
You never arrive.
We're only practicing.