But, like, how are y'all?
Eew.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- Things have been nutty lately.
This year?
Whoa. [laughs]
This year, I mean, who here's already ready for it to be over?
- [cheers and applause] - Yeah.
I'm not talking about the year.
I'm talking about all of it. Who here is done?
Yeah, I'm done. Bring the end of the world now.
Take me in the first wave. I don't want to survive.
Mama's tired.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- I don't want to forage.
I don't want to go on a supply run.
I have thought this through.
I don't even want to have to repopulate the earth
because I'm the only woman left in my group
of very attractive younger men
and I have to have sex with all of them
and it's not slutty, it's noble.
Like, I don't even want that anymore.
- [laughter and applause] - I'm done.
Doesn't do it for me like it used to.
[sighs] Sorry, I didn't mean
to start the show off on such a morbid note.
Uh, but society is crumbling.
- [laughter]
- You know, a lot of people are like, "Why? Why?"
And you can Google why.
You know, like, articles will come up.
But I don't need to Google it, because I already know why.
I know why we're in this mess.
I've identified the culprit.
There is one source of the decay of human civilization.
And that is a particular trend in home décor.
- [laughter]
- Now, some of you have this up in your house right now.
And what it is is inspirational quotes
on rustic pieces of driftwood
in multiple fonts.
You know what I'm talking about.
- [laughter and applause]
- Now, as we know, for the quote
to go on the rustic piece of driftwood,
it much feature one of the key words.
If it doesn't have one of these key words in the quote,
it's not inspirational enough. Do not put it on wood.
Don't waste our time.
Those words include journey,
faith,
hope,
sister,
live,
laugh-- - AUDIENCE: Love.
- Love, you know what I'm talking about.
Kitchen.
The whole set is me just listing the words.
The whole show is just this.
Wine.
Blessed.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- Believe! Believe!
Believe is so powerful.
It's so potent,
it can live by itself on a piece of driftwood.
- [laughter]
- Some people don't even put it on wood.
Some people tattoo it on the front of their neck,
and that's a choice.
But how does it work?
Like, if you need a sign to remind you to laugh,
are you alright?
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- You go through your house and you see it, and you're like,
"Oh, I'm almost forgot! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Like, talk to someone. You're not okay.
- [laughter]
- Always do feel a little bit bad when I tell that joke,
'cause there's usually at least one woman's face in the crowd
just dissolving off her head.
She's just like, "Oh, no. That's me."
- AUDIENCE: [laughter and applause]
- Look, I don't mean-- I'm just poking fun.
Those signs are fine, as long as you don't have
too many of 'em, right?
And there's a very easy way to figure out
if you have too many inspirational quotes
on rustic pieces of driftwood in multiple fonts.
All you have to do is just close your eyes.
Everybody here just close your eyes.
Imagine your house.
You're just gonna go through the house
and you're gonna count 'em up.
Go through the bedroom...
bathroom...
hallway...
living room, kitchen.
Maybe you have a little "You had me at Merlot."
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- That counts as two.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- Don't forget the front porch.
That's where people put their signs
that announces what kind of house this is.
It's usually "Blessed," and there's a mess of some kind.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- Everybody got their number?
Alright, if your number is greater than zero,
you have too many of them.
It's too many.
- [laughter and applause]