- You know, I know that you had a hard time with your father
and that he spanked you.
And you know, I just want you to know
that's not gonna happen with me, okay?
And I promise I will never spank you.
(hand smacks)
Oh.
♪ I don't need you ♪
- Well, we were behind each other in line
at the grocery store,
and it was silly, (giggles)
but I dropped a can of peas,
and he bent over to pick them up for me.
And, that's where it started.
- What can I say?
It was love at first sight.
And we've been together ever since.
- Well.
- Yes, she always has had her own way of doing things.
(parents sighing)
- Okay.
I see what's going on here.
- Honey...
- You don't approve of our engagement.
- No, they're not like that.
- I'm sorry, sweetheart. Yes, they are like that.
Look at their faces.
There's no point in trying to reason with folks
who can't appreciate the differences in others.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
(tense music)
- (sighs) Honey, wait.
(door thuds)
- I cannot believe
that you would bring a colored man into our house!
(tense music continues)
(door slams)
(mother sobbing)
- [Father] He's gone now.
- It is so good to see you, Keith!
- Yeah, we usually have to wait for a special occasion.
- Well, actually I have a little surprise.
I got engaged.
- Oh! (laughing) - Oh! (screaming and laughing)
- Ah, son!
- Aw, thanks, Pop.
(hands slowly clapping)
- Woo hoo!
Yes!
Wow!
Congratulations, little bro!
(chuckles) Engaged.
Kind of a big deal!
More for me, I guess.
That's what that means.
- Yes, well,
she got a name?
- Stephanie.
- Marriage is a wonderful journey.
- 50% end in divorce.
Sorry, bro. Them's just the facts.
- I will keep that in mind. Thank you.
- You got a photo?
- Oh, yeah.
- Aka, does she exist?
- There you go.
- (whistles) Mm. Ha, ha!
- (gasps) Oh, she's beautiful!
- Don't-
- Let me get eyes on this.
Everybody else already ha-
Great lighting.
Airbrushed?
- No.
- She kinda looks like that one model
on "The Price is Right."
- Yes. That's her. (chuckles)
- "The Price is Right"?
Clive, that's your show.
- Shut up, Mom!
No, it's not.
Ah, yeah.
Stephanie. - Mm-hmm.
- (sniffs) People always under bid on her showcases.
Not the best presenter.
- Where's the wedding?
- Oh, in Hawaii.
- Ooh!
- Oh, ho, ho. Oh! (clapping slowly)
Awesome! Woo hoo!
Mele Kalikimaka!
(mother clears throat)
She ever been married before?
- No.
- So she says.
Ex-boyfriend. She got one?
- Of course.
- Sloppy seconds at least, right, Dad?
- Keith, she sounds wonderful.
- Thank you, Mom.
- Shut up, Mom!
Silence from you!
- [Keith] Okay-
- You're cut off from talking!
- You know what, Clive?
I really don't appreciate
the way that you're talking to Mom.
(silverware clanking)
(hands clapping slowly)
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Yes!
Yes! The prodigal son has returned!
You know what?
You wanna go? Let's go!
'Cause I've been here
for the last 15 years taking care of Mom and Dad
while you've been trallopsing all over the world! And why?
So you can come back here and criticize me
for how I treat them?
- No.
I actually came here to ask you
if you would do me the honor of being my best man.
(gentle music) - Aw.
(Clive snorts)
I know that we have had our differences,
but you're my older brother.
(Clive snorting)
We'll pay for your room,
and we're also gonna rent you a car,
(Clive sobs)
and we'll pay to fly you out there.
(Clive sobbing)
- First class?
- Well, we can't afford first class.
- Well, fuck you!
You're dead to me!
(food rustling) (silverware clanking)
- [Mom] Clive!
- [Clive] Shut up, Mom!
I'm eating in my room!
(Father sighs)
- Well, that went better than expected.
- I think so.
- Yeah.
(birds tweeting)
(paper rustling)
(Jordan knocks)
- (exhales) Hi, are you Earl Peele?
- Who the hell wanna know?
- (sighs) I think I'm your son, Jordan Peele.
- Oh, okay. I see.
Come on in here for a minute.
Close the door on the way in.
- [Jordan] All right.
(door clicks)
- All right, man. Go ahead, have a seat there.
I'm gonna explain something to you.
- Okay.
(both loudly sighing)
- I ain't your dad.
All right, I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but that's the situation, brother.
- Are you... You see what's happening?
We're doing the same thing.
I always do this.
I always scratch the back of my neck like this
whenever I'm in an uncomfortable situation.
- Scratch my neck?
Man, everybody scratch their neck.
I breathe in and out too, man.
Now everybody my kid?
- Okay, look at this.
That's a picture of me when I was a baby.
That's my father.
- That ain't me.
Look, man, look at that dude's afro.
Look, I got this going on, man.
My hair is gray, he got black hair.
I mean, he handsome as hell.
But, I ain't nobody's daddy.
- I'm sorry.
I've just been looking for him everywhere.
- Yeah, yeah, sure you have.
- Since I got my own TV show now.
(Jordan deeply sighs)
I don't know. I just, I know that wherever he is,
he would be proud.
- You got your own TV show, huh?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah. I'm producing and acting.
- Mm. Oh, you, oh, you producing and acting.
Right, okay. Yeah.
That's my boy. (chuckles)
Yeah, look at that man. We doing the same thing.
What is that? Holy (beep).
That's genes right there, man,
'cause you can't do that
unless you're sharing mad genes with somebody.
It's got to be in your DNAs.
(gasps) Oh!
You my son!
- Nah.
- My baby boy!
- Thanks for your time.
- You come back home, man!
I missed you so much, little man!
- Yeah, stop it.
Stop. Get off, get off!
Get off. Just get off!
- Whoa, whoa. Hey! Hold on.
- [Voice On TV] Right to the murder of Kirk Cameron.
(ominous music on TV)
- When I first came to your door,
you wouldn't even acknow-
(TV show chattering)
Okay. Okay. You know what?
When I first came in here, - When I first came in here,
- Stop that!
When I first came in here,
you wouldn't even acknowledge
that I could possibly be your son.
But now, only after I tell you
that I have my own show on Comedy Central-
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Comedy Central?
Get the (beep) outta my house!
- It turns out it wasn't a ghost at all.
It was my little sister hiding in the basement. (laughing)
(mother laughing)
She was going, "Ooh", making the noises the whole time, so.
- Oh, shoot. I forgot his juice boxes.
- Oh.
- I will be right back. You'll be alright with Zachary?
- I think so. (chuckles)
- Okay.
- So Zachary,
you know I'm gonna be marrying your mother,
and I'm gonna be moving in soon.
And I just,
I'm just so excited to spend more time with ya.
You know, I know
that you had a hard time with your father,
and that he spanked you.
And you know, I just want you to know
that's not gonna happen with me, okay?
And I promise I will never spank you.
(hand smacks)
Oh, okay. That's...
Okay.
I know why you did that.
But, I will never spank you
because I know that you still-
(hand smacks)
Oh! That's...
Ha, ha, ha. Yow!
I don't know that there's anything I did to deserve that.
(hand smacking)
Oh, hey! This...
(laughing) You...
Okay, I'ma be real with ya.
You can't go hitting people, all right?
(hand smacking)
Ooh, ow, oh!
I ain't coming back
for that fourth one.
All right, so we done?
We got that out of our system?
'Cause I know that this,
this isn't you.
Oh, I told you you want-
(hand smacking)
Ooh, oh! Come on this...
(hands smacking)
(Charles grunting and stammering)
Oh! Ooh!
Oh, what? Mm, mm, oh!
(hand smacks) That's unbelievable.
(Charles speaking gibberish)
I'm the good guy.
I'm the good guy, man.
(sighs) Look,
I'm never gonna spank you.
I'm not going be like your father.
I'm gonna be your friend.
(hand smacks)
You need to respect me! You understand?
You little shit!
(Zachary slowly clapping)
- I will respect you, Charles,
if you play your role. (ominous music)
Now, listen up.
I'm a bad, bad boy, Charles.
I don't need a fucking friend.
So, go ahead. Marry my mommy.
Move in, fuck her as hard as you want.
Just leave me the fuck alone.
You do that,
11 years from now I'll be out of the house,
and we won't have any problems.
You don't,
and I will break you.
(tense music increasing)
Okay, Charles?
(music stops)
- How are we doing?
- I love him! (giggles)
(ominous chord)
(Zachary giggles and claps)
(upbeat jazzy music)