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Welcome, everyone.
My name is Shelli Kurth that I'm here with
my colleague, Dr. Nicole Assisi.
Today we're going to be talking to
you about how to stay sane in
these unprecedented times of parenting.
We've been teachers, we've been leaders,
we've been homeschooling parents,
and we are here with
a few tips and tricks to just help you
feel a little more sane and for it to
go just a little more smoothly.
If you want any more resources
about the sessions that we're talking about,
you can always find
some more information on our website at
thriveps.org. Today we're going
to be talking about mindset.
We're going to be talking about the things that
we can do to best prepare
our kiddos to be in a growth mindset, a learning mindset.
We're going to be talking about the way that
this mindset builds resilience and persistence.
Our ultimate goal is that
our children are resilient and they are
persistent and ultimately that
they are a productive member of society.
We're trying to grow adults.
Hopefully, today we're going to be talking a little
bit about our own mindsets and then
also launching into how as
parents we get to influence the mindsets of our kids.
I do want to pause though for a moment of reality.
We all have some really big feelings
about the way things are happening in the worlds.
World's events, remote learning,
whether schools are open or schools are shutting down.
All of these feelings are
valid and they are real. They're feelings.
Whatever we're feeling, our
best and brightest hope for you and for
your kiddos and for this work today
is that we can acknowledge the feelings,
but also have a positive learning mindset.
With this session, we hope to inspire
that growth mindset in all of us, kids and adults.
What do we mean by growth mindset?
Maybe you've heard the term before.
It certainly has been a buzzword in education lately.
That is because growth mindset
refers to the idea that if you work hard,
you will become better at something.
The reason that matters is because research has
shown that kids who have a fixed mindset,
the opposite of a growth mindset,
they usually don't successfully complete college.
They struggle in school,
they easily give up.
Having a growth mindset means that
you believe that if you
work hard at something you get better.
Now, growth mindsets are really common when we
think about sports or musical talents.
We know that if you
just keep practicing doing those push-ups,
you will become better and stronger.
Or if you keep practicing
the piano eventually you'll get better at it.
But most people don't hold
that same belief when it comes to academics.
As a matter of fact, a lot of kids out there
think that you're either good at
school or you're bad at school.
You're either smart or you're not.
Kids talk about, "I'm not good at math."
Math, just like music,
just like sports, depends on practicing.
That practice might not make you perfect,
but it's certainly will make you a lot better.
In order for your kids to be successful,
both short-term and long-term,
it's really important to believe and hold this
true that practice does
have an impact and make you better.
Whereas a belief that you're either smart or you're not,
what happens with children who believe,
"I'm smart." Let's even hold that.
Your kid has high self-esteem, "I'm smart."
Well, when they come against
the problem that they can't solve,
they will all of a sudden draw in the question, "Well,
maybe I'm not smart." or
"Maybe I've just duped people my whole life.
Maybe I'm actually not good at this thing called school."
That is a really dangerous thing
for kids to hold as true.
Let's talk about what you can do as
a parent to shift that belief.
Number 1, you can stay positive. I know this is hard.
I have found myself saying as a parent,
"I'm just not good at math." or "Man,
languages are not my thing." or "I just can't bake."
Well shift that for
your kid because what you want to model is,
"I think if I practice baking more,
I'd probably become a lot better."
or, "You know what,
math is really hard for me but I know
that if I take some dedicated time and work hard on it,
I know I can do it.'' or ''I know I can get better,"
or "If I just
studied languages more or practice more often,
I can probably get pretty good at it."
Holding that kind of language
at the forefront is really helpful to
your kids as well and will
help them develop a flexible mindset.
I don't want you to be unrealistic and say,
"I can do anything."
Because you know what? Some things
are really hard and take a lot of practice.
But I think it's important to point out when
your kid is doing something
and they're getting better at it.
For example, with my son,
we recently talked about the fact that
he can now blend sounds to make words.
We often reflect on,
"Gosh, remember when that was really hard?
Remember when you had a hard time even thinking
about all the different sounds that make up words,
and now you're reading, isn't that great?"
Keeping track of paths
forward and how your kids have grown,
helps them see and understand that they are growing,
their brain is growing and things are getting better.
Even if reading is still hard for him,
he can now see that he worked really hard at something,
he is getting better at it.
Another important thing that you can do is
add the word yet to your vocabulary.
Here's why I mean that that is such an important word.
Instead of saying, "I am not good at math.''
You could say, ''I'm not good at that yet."
or even better.
''I'm really working hard and I can't do it yet,
but I'm going to keep practicing."
You're not terrible at math.
Maybe you're just not good at it yet.
What are some things that you could become better?
When you add that word yet to your vocabulary,
it holds the possibility that there are
things you can do to become better.
Why not ask your kid, "Well,
what do you think you could do to become better."
I'm not the best baker yet.
But there's things that I could do to become better.
For one, maybe bake more,
I know my kid would like me baking
more. That could be fun.
Also show kids that,
as they're working hard on things,
they are becoming better.
Keep track of the growth that you have made.
One easy way to do that is by setting some smart goals.
Remember, smart goals are the ones that are specific,
measurable, achievable, relevant, and timely.
Holding those goals that you can actually measure,
lets you look back and say, "Gosh,
when we started doing this work,
you could only do one push-up.
But look at you now you've just done 10. "
Or "Remember when reading
one word and blending was really hard,
look, you've just read a whole page."
Setting those specific goals can be really helpful.
Again, avoid labeling things as good or bad.
You're not good at something or bad at something.
Maybe you just haven't practiced enough,
or maybe you just haven't found
the right passion or the right strategy to do it better.
Carol Dweck said something beautiful.
Again, Carol Dweck wrote
a great book of about growth mindset.
She said, "If parents want to give their children a gift,
the best thing they can do is to
teach their children to love challenges,
be intrigued by mistakes,
enjoy efforts, and keep learning."
The biggest gift you can give
your kid is to help them enjoy to learn something new,
to realize that when they're working hard,
they're growing that brain.
What if all of us had
those exercise moment where in the moment,
it's so hard, but we know
we're getting better and stronger.
That's the mindset that we
need to have around academic learning.
Similarly to what we hold true
for athletics or from musical talents.
Shelley has got some more tips
and some more strategies for you.
Shelley, I can't wait to hear what you have for us.
The way you said it, it sounds really easy.
"Yeah, growth mindset. I'm going to grow my brain."
But it is really hard.
We know that as adults we're
trying to change our mindsets all the time.
Think positively.
How do we get there?
How do we spur or inspire ourselves and our kids
to change to a growth mindset or
to grow our brains towards optimal learning?
Well, the first thing I think you can do,
and I did as a teacher and as a parent
is teach your child how the brain works.
I know you're thinking, "What?
I'm not a neuroscientist."
But there's a lot of resources that can help you.
According to Dr. Dan Siegel,
we've talked about him a lot here,
he wrote this book called The Whole-Brain Child.
He said that kids start to develop a growth mindset
just from learning about how their brain works and grows.
Once kids actually understand that the brain actually
physically grows connections as
they practice and learn new skills and concepts,
they get really excited
about the learning process and they
fill a little bit less worried about
making mistakes because they realize,
"Oh, when I make a mistake,
I'm growing my brain."
It stops being about being
perfect and more about the learning.
Just merely talking about how the brain works.
If you have a little child,
there's this book called Your Fantastic Elastic
Brain: Stretch It and Shape It.
It's by JoAnne Deak,
I think is how you say her name.
She talks about the more you use your brain,
the more brain you have to use.
That's her idea.
Wow, what a big concept for kids,
like you can grow your brain by doing certain things.
Talking with your kiddo about it,
and showing them and practicing together,
modeling together, some of
those strategies will be really helpful.
I also, as an adult,
have read the Whole-Brain Child.
It also comes with that workbook,
and again, that's by Dan Siegel.
It really gives an idea about how the brain works.
But it's written for people like me,
who I like to read,
but I don't necessarily not going to be a brain surgeon.
It really gives you that glimpse inside
the things that we can do with
our kids to help them grow their whole brains.
The second thing is to
tell your children about the different kind of mindsets.
Name them, you've
told them how to grow their brain and
how incredible their brain is,
that it can grow and change over time.
But now you're going to tell
them and call out the difference
between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset.
You can do this really early.
In fact, there is a lot of videos out on
YouTube or whatever platform that
you like to look at videos on,
if you just type in growth mindset,
there's a lot of really great ones.
I like one of them that is by ClassDojo.
Really has a great explanation,
fun for little elementary age kids that talk about it.
But there's a plethora of books out there too.
One is called Making a Splash.
It really shows the difference in mindsets
between two kids that are learning to swim,
one with a growth mindset and one with a fixed mindset,
and the difference in their journeys.
You can read it, you can talk about it,
and then you can call it out in
your day-to-day living together.
Call out when you see a fixed mindset,
when you see a growth mindset,
and then changing your language
like Nicole was talking about.
Even if you blow it and you say something that has
a really fixed mindset to
change it and you can laugh about it with your kids.
Believe me, once they understand
the difference between growth and fixed mindset,
they'll call you out on it.
We're silly humans. We're always learning together.
Believe me, if you are interested
in this Carol Dweck's book,
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success is wonderful.
It's really inspirational for adults, for parents,
for workers, for anybody who's
really trying to improve their lives.
The third tip is discuss negative and positive self-talk.
I call that person my inner critic.
It's that little voice inside my head that might say,
you really did it again or you blew it,
you're really not smart at this
or everyone's better than you.
That little inner critic,
most of us have that,
and most of us are working on canceling that critic out.
Talk to your kid about that inner critic too.
Tell them that that inner voice
sometimes tells them things that aren't helpful,
and frankly, sometimes tells them things that are wrong.
Teach them to challenge those negative thoughts.
Talkback to that inner critic and tell yourself
that the things that
you do wrong are just a path to success.
Having a conversation with your inner critic that teaches
that inner critic how to have
a more growth mindset. It's good.
Instead of saying I'm not good
at science, you're going to say,
I'm going to train my brain in science.
Again, we're just tweaking the way that we're
talking to ourselves and talking to others,
but calling it out and letting them know that it's
normal and that we have some control over it.
The fourth piece and last piece of advice
is to praise their efforts and not their results.
I know Nicole did touch on this,
but I can't say enough how important it
is when you notice effort or persistence,
goal setting, learning from mistakes,
when you watch this happening,
when you see your kiddo creatively solving a problem,
acknowledge it with kind words.
We often will wait to
celebrate until the big success happens,
but these are all part of success.
You're building that resilience.
You're building that persistence by
praising and acknowledging the effort.
This isn't just good for kids who are in the struggle.
This is actually really important for kids
who everything comes easy to them.
Because as soon as they hit that wall of
hardship, they might shut down.
But if you all along remember to
praise effort, they'll realize,
we'll all start to realize that the effort is
where the learning comes in and that
there's a lot of celebration in the effort.
Nicole, you want to take us on home.
Absolutely. I want to end on one important note,
and that is the importance of struggle and mistakes.
Ultimately, that's what this comes down to.
It's pushing through when things get hard.
Mistakes are hard even for adults.
Often we don't
celebrate the big failures or the little failures,
the little struggles in
our lives because we've been conditioned not to,
it's all about success.
But the truth is, we learn more in
difficult moments than we do
in those moments that are easy.
Allowing your child to fail,
allowing your child to make mistakes is really important.
In our house, my son was
actually really nervous about making mistakes.
We actually created a jar
of cotton balls every time he made a mistake and we would
celebrate it and there was a reward at the end
when we made so many mistakes
and have something new to learn.
He needed that in order to not feel bad.
He was very self-critical of like, "I messed up."
We now celebrate that.
I worked at a job actually where big blunders,
big mistakes were celebrated with a golden plunger.
We need to celebrate mistakes as a society,
but even more so with our kids.
Find those moments where something
goes wrong, celebrate them.
Remind yourself, "I am learning,
my gosh, I messed up, it didn't work out.
I am learning."
Last but not least,
it was Dewey who said
that learning doesn't just come from doing,
learning comes from reflecting.
Take a moment throughout the day
and just have a conversation with your kid.
What was hard today?
What was a moment where you
wanted to give up and you push through?
Sharing your own mistakes, your own vulnerability.
Those uncourageous moments where you're
not perfect to show your kid that it's okay.
Let your hair down,
we know you're doing your best,
we appreciate you tuning in and watching us.
Again, leave your questions and
comments down in the comment section.
We'll be back next time with some more tips and tricks to
help your kid thrive and
keep you just a little bit saner.
Thanks for joining us today.
Bye.
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