DO-DA.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S A GOOD FEELING.
LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA, TO
OFFICIALLY RELAUNCH THE CAMPAIGN HE HAS NEVER STOPPED.
( LAUGHTER )
OF YOU WHO ARE HOPING THAT NOW THAT HE'S PRESIDENT, HIS TONE
WOULD CHANGE, LAST NIGHT WAS A SWIFT KICK IN THE OLD
HOPEY-CHANGEY.
RIGHT IN THE OLD CHANGE PURSE.
JIM, LET'S GO TO THE HIGHLIGHTS.
>> OUR RADICAL DEMOCRAT OPPONENTS ARE DRIVEN BY HATRED,
PREJUDICE, AND RAGE.
DEMOCRATS WANT TO SPLINTER US INTO FACTIONS AND TRIBES.
THEY WANT US DIVIDED.
>> Stephen: YES, DEMOCRATS WANT TO DIVIDE AMERICANS INTO TRIBES
THAT CAN'T STAND EACH OTHER, SAYS THE MAN SPEAKING TO AN
ANGRY MOB ALL WEARING THE SAME HAT.
(AS TRUMP)
TRIBE.
NOW, EVERYBODY CHANT: MAGA, MAGA, KAG, KAG, MAGA, MAGA, KAG,
KAG, FAKE NEWS!" TRUMP-- TRUMP WAS--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE HAVE NO TIMETABLE FOR OUR LOVE.
TRUMP WAS CLEAR ABOUT WHY HE WAS SO ANGRY AT THE DEMOCRATS.
>> WE WENT THROUGH THE GREATEST WITCH HUNT IN POLITICAL HISTORY.
THEY WENT AFTER MY FAMILY, MY BUSINESS, MY FINANCES, MY
EMPLOYEES, ALMOST EVERYONE THAT I'VE EVER KNOWN OR WORKED WITH.
BUT THEY ARE REALLY GOING AFTER YOU.
THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.
IT'S NOT ABOUT US.
IT'S ABOUT YOU.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THEY'RE REALLY INVESTIGATING
YOU.
AND-- AND, FRANKLY, FOLKS, I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU, BECAUSE
THERE'S SOME BAD STUFF YOU DID THAT THEY HAVEN'T
EVEN FOUND OUT ABOUT YET.
AND IT'S NOT-- IT'S YOU.
IT'S NOT ME IT'S YOU.
AND IF ANYBODY ASKS, YOU DID IT, NOT ME.
GOT THAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALSO COMING AFTER YOU, JUNIOR, OKAY."
THEN TRUMP CONTRASTED THE DARK PRESENT WITH AN EVEN DARKER
FUTURE.
>> IMAGINE IF WE HAD A DEMOCRAT PRESIDENT AND A DEMOCRAT
CONGRESS IN 2020.
( BOOS )
SPEECH, USE THE POWER OF THE LAW TO PUNISH THEIR OPPONENTS, WHICH
THEY ARE TRYING TO DO NOW ANYWAY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I DON'T NECESSARILY AGREE THAT THAT'S
WHAT THE DEMOCRATS WOULD DO IF THEY GOT INTO POWER.
BUT AT LEAST HE CLEARLY UNDERSTANDS THAT USING THE POWER
OF YOUR OFFICE TO PROSECUTE YOUR POLITICAL ENEMIES IS WRONG.
>> CROOKED HILLARY CLINTON.
>> LOCK HER UP!
LOCK HER UP!
>> WE NOW HAVE A GREAT ATTORNEY GENERAL.
LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HIS BAD ENVIRONMENTAL POLICIES, TRUMP IS VERY COMMITTED TO
RECYCLING HIS GARBAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN-- THEN-- THEN TRUMP BROUGHT UP HIS OWN
EMAILS.
>> CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I GOT A SUBPOENA?
THINK OF THIS: IF I GOT A SUBPOENA FOR EMAILS, IF I
DELETED ONE EMAIL, LIKE A LOVE NOTE TO MELANIA.
>> Stephen: OH, A LOT OF HIS EMAILS ARE LOVE NOTES TO
MELANIA.
IN FACT, WE HAVE ONE RIGHT HERE FROM A FEW YEARS AGO:
(AS TRUMP)
VIOLETS ARE BLUE.
CONGRATS ON OUR BABY.
I'M CHEATING ON YOU."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PROMISE, AND IT'S A BIGGIE.
>> WE WILL COME UP WITH THE CURES TO MANY, MANY PROBLEMS
TO MANY, MANY DISEASES, INCLUDING CANCER.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND, CURING CANCER IS ALREADY BIDEN'S
THING.
YOU CAN'T JUST STEAL DEMOCRATIC PLATFORMS.
(AS TRUMP)
CANCER.
AND I KNOW I'M JUST A SMALL-TOWN MAYOR FROM INDIANA, BUT THE TOP
1% CONTROL 90% OF THE WEALTH.
I SHOVELED SNOW IN NEWARK.
I AM ELISABETH WARREN.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
I AM-- I AM--"
THEN TRUMP INVITED THE CROWD TO ANOTHER BIG EVENT IN A COUPLE
WEEKS.
>> BY THE WAY, ON JULY FOURTH, IN WASHINGTON, D.C., COME ON
DOWN.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BIG DAY.
BRING YOUR FLAGS.
BRING THOSE FLAGS.
>> Stephen: NO!
DON'T BRING YOUR FLAGS!
WE KNOW WHAT HE DOES TO FLAGS.
(AS TRUMP)
BRING OLD GLORY.
AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, MAYBE A COUPLE OF YOUNGER GLORIES, TOO,
OKAY.
MAYBE YOUR FLAG HAS A YOUNGER SISTER."
THEN TRUMP GOT DOWN TO BUSINESS AND TESTED OUT SOME SLOGAN
IDEAS.
>> WE HAVE TO COME UP WITH A THEME FOR THE NEW CAMPAIGN,
RIGHT.
IS IT GOING TO BE "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN," WHICH IS PROBABLY
AND POSSIBLY THE GREATEST THEME IN THE HISTORY OF POLITICS, I
THINK.
>> Stephen: THE GREATEST?
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
WHAT ABOUT REAGAN'S "IT'S MORNING AGAIN IN AMERICA"; OR
OBAMA'S "YES, WE CAN;" OR WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT'S "AMERICA:
IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER!"
THEN-- HE'S KNOWN FOR HIS APPETITE.
THEN-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, HI, JON.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Jon: HELLO "N."
>> Stephen: THEN TRUMP FLOAT A NEW OPTION TO HIS AUDIENCE.
>> NOW I'M SAYING, WHAT DO WE USE AS OUR THEME, AS OUR
STATEMENT?
SO, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO VOTE ON IT.
READY?
"MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN."
( SOME CHEERS )
IF I WOULD HAVE SAID THAT, THREE YEARS AGO, WOULDN'T BE A
CONTEST, RIGHT?
YOU READY?
"KEEP AMERICA GREAT."
( CHEERS )
AUDIENCE TO VOTE FOR YOU IS SO CHEAP.
THE SECOND THING ALWAYS GETS MORE APPLAUSE.
WATCH THIS.
HEY, EVERYONE CLAP IF YOU LIKE VANILLA.
( APPLAUSE )
NOT BAD.
NOW, CLAP IF YOU LIKE ULCERATIVE COLITIS!
( CROWD GOES WILD )
"SORRY, BEN & JERRYS, I HAVE A NEW FLAVOR FOR YOU."
THEN TRUMP BROUGHT IT HOME.
>> AND TOGETHER, WE WILL MAKE AMERICA WEALTHY AGAIN.
WE WILL MAKE AMERICA STRONG AGAIN.
WE WILL MAKE AMERICA SAFE AGAIN.
AND WE WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
>> Stephen: NO, THEY JUST CHOSE "KEEP AMERICA GREAT."
JUST SECONDS BEFORE!
THEY CHOSE "KEEP AMERICA GREAT."
FOR ONCE--
FOR ONCE-- FOR PETE'S SAKE, FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, CARE ABOUT
THE POPULAR VOTE!
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP AND HIS FOLKS KEPT SAYING THAT THIS THING WAS
OVERSOLD.
SOMETHING LIKE 100,000 TICKETS OR 120,000-- SOMETHING LIKE
THAT-- FOR ONLY 25,000 SEATS IN THE ARENA.
THAT'S WHY THEY SAID THEY HAD TO HAVE THAT "45 FEST" OUT IN THE
PARKING LOT FOR THE OVERFLOW CROWD OF 75,000 PEOPLE WHO
COULDN'T GET IN.
THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.
THAT IS ALSO A LIE.
AND I KNOW THAT'S A LIE, BECAUSE WE SENT A
CAMERA CREW DOWN THERE, WITH JIM ANCHORTON AND JILL NEWSLADY
FROM "REAL NEWS TONIGHT," AND THIS IS FOOTAGE THEY BROUGHT
BACK FROM OUTSIDE DURING THE SPEECH OF THAT SUPPOSED OVERFLOW
CROWD.
AND, IT'S NO ONE.
JUST GARBAGE AND ABANDONED LAWN FURNITURE.
AND THAT WAS RIGHT BEFORE THE RALLY STARTED.
YOU CAN SEE THE RALLY ON THE SCREEN IN THE BACKGROUND RIGHT
THERE.
THERE IT IS, FOR THE CROWD THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THE
SCREEN THAT IS NOT THERE.
BUT MAYBE THEY WENT HOME WITHOUT ANY OF THEIR CHAIRS BECAUSE THEY
COULDN'T GET INTO THAT SOLD-OUT ARENA.
AGAIN, NO.
BECAUSE OUR TEAM GOT THEIR PRESS CREDENTIALS DENIED AT THE LAST
MINUTE-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- SO THEY JUST WENT
ONLINE AND GOT TICKETS AND WALKED IN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY JUST WALKED IN TO TAKE ANY
ONE OF THE MANY, MANY EMPTY SEATS IN THE ARENA.
WOW, I KNEW TRUMP'S VOTERS WERE OLD.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE GHOSTS.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
HE HAD MAYBE 20,000 PEOPLE THERE.
THAT'S A NICE CROWD BUT IT WASN'T SOLD OUT.
STILL, IT'S THE PERFECT RELAUNCH OF TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN, BECAUSE IT
FULFILLS HIS CORE CAMPAIGN PROMISE:
( AS TRUMP )
ANYTHING."
JOIN US TOMORROW FOR MORE FROM JILL NEWSLADY AND JIM
ANCHORTON'S DRAMATIC REPORT FROM THE MOUTH OF MADNESS,
BECAUSE THE RALLY GOT UGLY.
ACTUALLY, IT STARTED UGLY.
EVEN THE PRAYER WAS UGLY.
IT WAS DELIVERED BY TRUMP SPIRITUAL ADVISER AND ANACONDA
ABOUT TO SWALLOW A MICROPHONE, PAULA WHITE.
>> RIGHT NOW, LET EVERY DEMONIC NETWORK THAT HAS ALIGNED ITSELF
AGAINST THE PURPOSE, AGAINST THE CALLING OF PRESIDENT TRUMP, LET
IT BE BROKEN, LET IT BE TORN DOWN, IN THE NAME OF JESUS.
>> Stephen: TO WHICH JESUS RESPONDED, "OKAY, BUT EVERY
NETWORK?
I REALLY LIKE ANDERSON COOPER!"
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I'LL BET HE LOVES US ALL!
HE LOVES US ALL!
>> Stephen: I GOT TO SAY, CALLING ON GOD TO DESTROY THE
MEDIA IS PRETTY BOLD.
AND THAT IS WHY-- >> STEPHEN, STOP!
>> Stephen: DONALD TRUMP'S SPIRITUAL ADVISOR, PAULA WHITE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> I HAVE COME TO CLEANSE THIS DEMONIC NETWORK IN THE NAME OF
THE FATHER, THE JUNIOR, AND THE IVANKA!
>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT, LISTEN, MA'AM, JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T
AGREE WITH THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE POSSESSED BY
DEMONS.
>> IS EXACTLY WHAT A DEMON WOULD SAY.
THIS NETWORK IS RIDDLED WITH SIN.
"SEAL TEAM" IS BURIED ON WEDNESDAYS!
IT DESERVES THURSDAYS AT 9:00.
YOU CANCELLED "2 BROKE GIRLS" AFTER ONLY SIX SEASONS.
AND WHY IS "STAR TREK: PICARD" RELEGATED TO "CBS ALL ACCESS"?
GOD WANTS PATRICK STEWART ON PRIME TIME!
>> Stephen: PAULA WHITE, EVERYBODY!
>> I LOVE BEING ON TV!
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ICE CUBE IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, HOPE HICKS ON CAPITOL HILL.
STICK AROUND.