(mellow jazz playing)
Ah. Well, hello.
Welcome to CP Time,
the only show that's for the culture.
Today we'll be discussing the history of Black royalty.
'Cause it's not just Meghan Markle
after she got married to Ed Sheeran.
History is full of Black kings and queens
that never got the chance to sit down with Oprah.
For example,
Shaka Zulu.
He was the founder of the Zulu empire
and the leader of one of the greatest fighting forces
in African history.
He also had the flyest name of all time.
Shaka Zulu.
I get chills just saying it.
Half the reason people followed him
was 'cause of that name.
If Shaka Zulu had been named Herman Caruthers,
safe to say there would be no empire.
Shaka transformed the Zulu tribe
from one of the smallest clans in the region
to a mighty kingdom,
and he did it all without wearing a shirt.
You have to be a good leader to do that.
If Prince Charles tried ruling without a shirt,
the monarchy would be over by the end of the day.
King Shake was eventually killed
by his two brothers,
those closest to him.
That's why I avoid family reunions.
My brothers might try to take me out
so they can get control of my travel spoon collection.
Back off, Leroy.
These spoons are mine, mother(bleep).
Moving on. Queen Amina of Zazzau.
She started with a small region of power
and soon conquered all the surrounding areas.
She was basically like a Dunkin' Donuts.
Just took the whole place over.
Although she never married,
Queen Amina did have a complicated love life,
taking lovers in every city she conquered
and then killing them.
Yet, for some reason,
men still went to sleep with her
even though they knew it would be fatal.
We are truly the dumbest gender.
Never trust a big butt and a smile.
Next, we move on to 1940s Ethiopia
and its ruler,
Emperor Haile Selassie,
or his official title,
His Imperial Majesty Haile Selassie I,
Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah,
King of Kings and Elect of God.
That's how you know somebody's important,
when their name is their résumé.
I'd be Roy Wood Jr.,
Bachelor of Arts, Subscriber of Netflix
and Second String of the Crown Heights YMCA
Over-60 Basketball League I.
Now,
Selassie wasn't just the emperor of Ethiopia.
He was also regarded
as the messiah of all Black people
by Rastafarians.
You know you have influence
when there's an entire religion built around you.
The only other Black person to accomplish that
was Jesus.
Don't argue with me about Jesus' race.
I know Jesus was Black
'cause the court found him guilty
with no evidence.
Selassie went on to institute major reforms
to Ethiopian society,
like creating the first written constitution of Ethiopia,
where he outlawed slavery.
That's right, slavery still existed
in the 20th century.
That's why you got to read that travel journal
before taking a vacation.
I went on a discount cruise to an unmapped island one time
and ended up a small island woman's indentured servant
for six months.
It's safe to say I left a strongly worded Yelp review
for that cruise.
Never trust a big butt and a smile.
Well, that's all the time we have for today.
I'm Roy Wood Jr.,
and this has been CP Time.
And remember, we're for the culture.
And I meant what I said, Leroy.
These spoons ain't the only thing
I keep on me at night.