- I had moments where I felt completely in the masculine.
And so going to the mirror and seeing a full female version
was like, shocking.
- So I grew up in a really conservative Muslim household.
I was about I think five when I became aware
of how confined my gender role was as a woman.
It was really restraining because I constantly heard
the phrase, Muslim girls don't do this.
Or Muslim girls don't do that.
And some of that was Muslim girls don't play soccer.
Or Muslim girls don't go hang out
at their friend's house and spend the night.
Really mundane things.
So a lot of my life has been like, cultural religious things
that are just kind of justifying confining somebody
from expressing themselves or being their true self.
And it kind of made me not embrace my cultural identity
as an Egyptian or my religious identity as a Muslim.
And it really sucked.
Because those are awesome identities, right?
But when you're in constant opposition
of who you think you should be and who you really want to be
it's really difficult to express that dissonance,
especially as a child.
So it wasn't until years later,
I noticed all around me
that I was watching my friends pair up slowly.
Like they were all getting to relationships
or getting married.
I really just had no interest in any of that.
And I was like, what's going on?
Shouldn't by biological clock be ticking?
Shouldn't I care about this?
A lot of that was me realizing that I wasn't caring about it
because I didn't know how to express myself sexually
without feeling confined or repressed or angry at myself
or there is a should be and a shouldn't be.
So in the face of being diagnosed with cancer at 26
and kind of realizing like, wow, a lot of my life right now
is kind of a charade.
And in that moment in my life, I had a few people
who were really inviting and very supportive
and kept bringing me into queer spaces.
And so it was through that community
that I really found like, an acceptance
of not only my sexuality and ability to express it,
it was also a breath of fresh air.
Where you could truly express all the things
that other people have told you are super heinous,
without worrying about it.
That acceptance in itself
was something that was very eye opening.
And it kind of made me feel like, okay,
if other people are doing it,
maybe I can do it too.
And ever since I've kind of felt a lot more comfortable
in relationships, whether they be romantic or not.
Just by feeling like I can truly own my identity
as being bisexual or be open with the fact
that I am attracted to not just one type of person
or one particular idea of what a person should be.
And it's been pretty awesome.
- I am from Italy, I was born and raised there.
I loved Italy but there was a rigidity to society
and to the common mindset
that felt very very heavy on my soul.
Very restrictive.
Because I could always feel there was something
different about me and I didn't quite know what it was.
And I knew that I liked both guys and girls
and the only terms that I knew were gay and lesbian.
And I was sure I was not.
But I didn't have any guidance and I didn't have
friends I could talk to or people I could relate to.
I just felt lost and with a lot of questions like,
why am I this way?
And I kept looking at people as just gifts.
As beautiful gifts to unwrap and unfold
and I wasn't very interested in the gender,
I was mostly interested in the content.
In the complexity and the mystery of a person
rather than their envelope and their outside appearance.
And so when I was 21, I finally resolved to type in Google
what's wrong with me?
I like both guys and girls.
And the word bisexual came out.
And I was like, thanks, Google.
And it was a moment of revelation
but it was also very very hard to take in
because it was a whole new universe that I had to face.
And I had to become aware of.
It was a few years later, after six months of therapy
that I actually encounter the second word,
which was non-binary.
And that was so hard.
It took awhile for me to settle in that idea
because I knew it was true, but it was difficult to accept.
And the way I perceive it is that I am both,
I am a man and I am a woman.
I feel a masculine energy and a feminine energy in myself.
I feel them very distinct and very present at all times.
And the struggle or the challenge has been finding
a dialog between those two energies instead of conflict.
Constant conflict.
And I am bisexual.
And I am non-binary.
And I'm happy to be.
Yeah, for me I think the hardest part about sharing my story
is the, oh God, the shame.
Like...
- Yeah.
- Feeling ashamed or embarrassed or shy about being myself.
Which is a very intense feeling.
It's like, wishing to not exist is a horrible feeling.
- Holy shit.
I can so relate to that.
Yeah.
- I know it takes courage and it takes vulnerability,
which is not easy.
And I think the thing that stuck with me from your story
was the intensity of having to grow up within rules
that don't allow you to be yourself.
- Yeah.
- And there is nothing you can do about it
because sometimes like, you would like to be honest,
you would like to share yourself.
But the system, it's not ready yet.
It's not, yeah.
- Thank you so much for acknowledging that.
That's like so nice.
I'm sorry, I'm a crier.
Like my Dad, he struggles to even say the word homosexual.
- Yeah, it's intense. - It's so ridiculous.
- [Woman] And like, most of my family still lives in Cairo
and so one time my cousin was like,
are gay people nice?
'Cause she had like--
- No, we bite.
So mean.
- And she had like, no frame of reference.
And I was like, if only you knew
how huge the queer community was in Cairo.
But they're so underground because of the threat
that is posed by the government and by authorities.
I was like actually, yeah.
They're pretty great.
- I honestly believe it's all human beings.
And the things that I struggle with
I'm pretty sure in different ways,
but a straight person struggles with.
A bisexual person struggles with.
I don't think it's relevant,
the fact that you know,
we identify as whatever we identify as.
- When listening to your story,
something that I wondered about was,
how intense was the journey to realizing
that you didn't necessarily identify with a cutout gender.
- It was very very challenging because the way
it revealed itself was with extreme conflict with my body.
So I was born with a very feminine body
but I had moments where I felt completely in the masculine.
And so going to the mirror and seeing a full female version
was like, shocking.
It was a very very weird to like, speak about this
and like, to speak of the level of intense
that I would feel this.
Because people would just say, oh you're pretty or whatever.
And I'm like I am feeling so horrible right now
and I feel detached or I feel at war with myself.
And longterm that I also found in therapy
that helped me understand myself
is body dysphoria, when you have a sense
of not being in the right skin.
That took a long time.
Because the difficult thing is finding the right balance
is like finding the right measure of both parts.
How did you get the courage to say you are the way you are?
- Honestly, I haven't shared anything with my family.
I am like so, still very afraid to do that.
This is the first time I'm having a conversation like this.
So like everything you're saying really means so much.
I really appreciate your honesty
and like, your willingness to connect.
So thank you.
- I had a moment in my life right
where I felt like there was no love for me.
In God I felt full acceptance.
I did not feel acceptance in the relationship
with other human beings.
And, I don't know, my idea of God
is that if God is everything, then it's me, it's you.
And it's masculine and it's feminine and it's man
and it's woman, like you can't compartmentalize.
So why are we doing that to ourselves?
- Yeah, where are you now?
How do you feel now?
- I feel like it's the first time I'm breathing.
A hug, yeah.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for sharing this with me.
I sure appreciate it.
Thank you.
- [Woman] Thank you so much.
- I'm sorry, I'm gonna cry.
Crying of joy.
- Need a tissue?
You're good?
All right.
When you mentioned like, cutting your hair.
That's so huge.
Like, people think that kind of stuff
is like, really little,
but it sounds like it was monumental for you.
- It was.
- Yeah?
- It was.
It was life changing because it was not an aesthetical act.
It was a freedom act.