-And...we're all gonna die.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter ]
That's basically the worst way to start anything,
but it's true!
And every day, scientists are working hard
to make our lives longer through advancements in medicine.
I mean, some of them are really great,
but there's one that's super-controversial --
and that's cloning.
Cloning is a pretty complicated process,
but to the break it down for you, you take genetic material
from someone and put it into an empty egg,
then a clone grows from that egg.
Who came up with this? Yoshi.
[ Laughter ]
[ Gulping ]
Cloning used to be something you only saw in movies,
but now it's becoming more of a reality -- for rich people.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Like, Barbra Streisand recently cloned her dead dog.
[ Audience groans ] Yeah, when your family pet dies,
you don't just go get yourself a new dog --
you hire a group of scientists to make you one.
That's right. Your next Lab may come from a lab.
[ Applause ]
And all you need to do is be super rich
because there's a company in Texas
that will clone cats for $25,000...
and dogs for $50,000.
Everyone talks about how dogs are more affectionate than cats,
but if you're wondering exactly how much,
the answer is $25,000 much.
[ Clears throat ] Now, cloning pets is one thing,
but cloning humans is where things get crazy.
I mean, if we start cloning people,
we all know what's gonna happen.
There will immediately
be a new category on PornHub called "clones."
[ Audience groans ]
And the videos will just be like,
"Watch Krystal sit on her own face."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, the saying "Go F yourself"
takes it to a whole different level
if you start cloning people. Okay?
Now, personally, I am 100% against cloning.
I know there are a bunch of studies
that show why cloning is a good idea,
but, y'all, there are five "Jurassic Park" movies
that show you why it's not!
I just don't think clones are necessary.
I mean, have you been on Twitter?
There are already plenty of people with no lives
who think the exact same things.
And they're all correct.
Chris is the sexiest Hemsworth. Okay? I'm sorry, Liam!
[ Applause ]
I can see why some people think
there are positives to cloning yourself.
You can refer to yourself in the third person,
plus you're probably granted immediate entry
into every insane millionaire sex orgy.
[ Laughter ] Just think about it.
It's like, "I'm sorry, Emily. You're not on the list."
"Oh, really? What about my clone, Bemily?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
And I get how clones would make sports more exciting.
I mean, think about it. Imagine a whole team of Steph Curry's
playing another team of Steph Curry's...
coached by Steph curry...
in a stadium full of Steph Curry's!
So the best-case scenario
is a court full of second-best players.
Go, Raptors!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ] I'm totally gonna get jumped after the show.
But cloning just doesn't seem worth it.
Because people never remember this --
your clone would be a baby, not an adult version of you.
Who would want to spend a ton of money
to have a genetic copy of yourself that you have to feed,
bathe, and raise to adulthood?
You're basically paying $3 million
to change your own diaper.
[Indian accent] Don't be dumb. [Normal voice] Okay.
Cloning is just being obsessed
with producing little versions of yourself.
It's just like having kids.
If cloning ever becomes a thing,
I can already picture my mom and dad like...
"Lilly, when you going to settle down and have some clones, huh?"
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, let's add that to the plate.
But the real problem is that the rich people who'd want
to clone themselves
are the exact people who shouldn't be cloning themselves.
It wouldn't be the good rich people like Oprah.
Because she'd be smart enough to say,
"I don't want to mess with nature's design."
No. It'll be people like Louis CK...
who will walk around like, "Who wants to see our eight [bleep]?"