- If you're new to an open relationship,
you might want some examples of open relationship rules.
That's great.
Having some ground rules in place
and learning from those who have done it before you
is a great place to start.
If you and your partner are both on the same page
then opening up your relationship is likely
to go much, much more smoothly.
One thing I've learned over the years
is that some open relationship rules are better than others.
In fact, some rules can actually make things worse,
and we definitely don't want that for you.
So in this video, we're going to cover why couples set rules
for their open relationship in the first place.
Some examples of common, but ultimately unhelpful rules
for you to avoid.
Some examples of starter rules that you can use
as you begin to open your relationship.
And then how to take your rules to the next level.
I've got something else that you can try instead
or in addition.
But first, hey there.
If you don't already know me, my name is Brian G. Murphy.
I am an activist educator and certified relationship coach.
And whether you're single, dating, monogamous,
open, polyamorous, or something else entirely,
if you want practical, actionable advice
in all things, relationships, sex, and dating,
subscribe below for new videos every Wednesday afternoon.
First up, why do couples set
up rules for their relationship in the first place?
The two usual reasons are to protect
the existing relationship that you've already got,
and then to avoid uncomfortable feelings
like jealousy, insecurity or loneliness.
All of that makes perfect sense,
and so we're going to figure out how you can go from there.
Here are some examples of pretty common rules
that I've seen to be counterproductive in the long run.
They are, we can't talk about who we're hooking up with,
and we can't find out about it.
Or maybe it's the opposite of that
and it's I have to be there every time, all the time.
Another rule is that it has to be only sex and no feeling.
No repeats, we can only hook up
with someone once and then on to the next person.
Or you might have a rule that you can't do XYZ,
insert whatever sexual or romantic act there is here.
Another rule that I've seen that often doesn't end well
is you or your partner having to approve anyone
that the other one wants to see,
or having a rule that you can veto someone
and keep your partner from seeing that person.
So now that I've shared this list of rules
that I think aren't so helpful in the long-term,
I want to share why that is.
It's because those rules and any that you might be thinking
like them are focused on controlling behavior,
rather than on addressing
your underlying needs and concerns.
Those rules don't address any
of the uncomfortable feelings that might come
up when opening up a relationship,
they just try and avoid them altogether.
And that's pretty hard in practice.
Even if you agree to all of those rules upfront,
something might shift over time that you can't control.
Like we don't choose who we get feelings for it,
sometimes it just happens.
And then like, what if you or your partner break a rule?
What happens next?
They get in trouble, or you just like break up?
There's often not a clear path forward.
So rules like this can end
up creating this unhealthy dynamic between the two of you,
where you're constantly policing each other,
or feeling like you've done something wrong.
They're breeding grounds for shame or resentment,
and plus, like it's human nature to want to break rules.
So then, what do we do to move forward?
If you're avoiding those rules, what are some good rules?
I've got a list of some rules,
or you might call them agreements that might be helpful
for you to put in place
as you're starting to open up your relationship.
Here they are, and I will write them out down below
this video so that you can copy and paste them
if you're more of a reader than watching a video about it.
Okay so, here.
You are not obligated to tell me about hookups
or dates on any specific timeline,
but I'm always someone that you can talk with about that.
If you do something that puts me at risk for an STI,
tell me as soon as you find out.
We will honor the commitments we make to each other,
and not flake on plans for sex with someone else.
We will honor the commitments we make
to our other partners and not flake on them,
just because one of us is suddenly free
or bored or insecure.
We'll have a standing time every week
or every month to talk about how things are going
and share any feelings or concerns that come up,
and check in regarding our other partners
and to just celebrate our awesome relationship.
We will respect our shared living space
by making plans in advance.
If one of us wants the apartment or bedroom to ourselves,
and we'll clean up after ourselves,
in the way that we would do with any other roommate.
There will be no sexiling.
We'll communicate in advance if we plan to be unreachable
for an extended period of time,
or if we wont be coming home.
Once you decide on what you both want
your open relationships to look like, you want to get clear
on how you will show up and how you respond
when things don't go completely smoothly for you.
For that, you want to establish
some boundaries for yourself.
Boundaries are things that are completely in your control,
and they guide your actions
and help to keep you safe and secure.
For more specifics on what boundaries are
and what they are not,
go ahead and watch the video on your screen right here.
And remember to subscribe
for new videos every Wednesday afternoon.
Bye for now.