MEANWHILE, THE WOMEN THAT COHEN WORKED SO HARD TO SILENCE ARE
GETTING OUT OF THEIR AGREEMENTS LIKE FORMER "PLAYBOY" MODEL
KAREN MCDOUGAL, WHO CLAIMS TO HAVE HAD A TEN-MONTH AFFAIR WITH
DONALD TRUMP, HAS JUST SETTLED A LAWSUIT WITH THE OWNER OF THE
"NATIONAL ENQUIRER," THAT KEPT HER FROM PUBLICLY DISCUSSING THE
RELATIONSHIP.
GREAT.
NOW SHE CAN FINALLY TELL US MORE STORIES ABOUT DONALD TRUMP DOING
SEX?
YAY?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHICH LEADS ME TO MY NEW SEGMENT, STEPHEN COLBERT'S "WHAT
HAVE WE BECOME?" ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
PEOPLE LOVE WHAT WE'VE BECOME.
TONIGHT, ON "WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?," IF YOU HAD TOLD ME
FIVE YEARS AGO THAT WE WOULD BE CHAMPING AT THE BIT TO GET
STORIES ABOUT DONALD TRUMP'S NAKED, SWEATY BODY WREAKING
HAVOC ON A HOTEL DUVET, I WOULD HAVE SAID, "NO WAY!
NOW LET'S WATCH 'SHARKNADO.' THEY'RE ONLY GOING TO MAKE ONE
OF THESE!" ( LAUGHTER )
IT WAS A TIME OF PRIMAL INNOCENCE-- AND WE TOOK IT FOR
GRANTED!
NOW ALL OF AMERICA LIVES BEHIND THE BEADED CURTAIN AT A VIDEO
STORE.
AND IT DON'T SMELL GOOD.
THAT ALL BEING SAID, GIVE ME THEM STANKY, STANKY ANECDOTES!
I'M A SUPER-FREAK, AND IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BAD!
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M SURE YOU'VE BEEN
FOLLOWING THE BIG STARBUCKS CONTROVERSY.
WHICH REMINDS ME, I'VE NOTICED YOU'VE ALL BEEN SITTING HERE FOR
A WHILE AND HAVEN'T PURCHASED ANYTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, IT ALL STARTED LAST WEEK WHEN TWO BLACK MEN, DONTE
ROBINSON AND RASHON NELSON, WERE IN A PHILADELPHIA STARBUCKS
WAITING FOR A FRIEND.
THEY DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING IMMEDIATELY, SO THEY WERE
ARRESTED AND MARCHED OUT IN HANDCUFFS.
THAT IS A GRIEVOUS RACIAL INJUSTICE.
AND IF YOU WITNESS ANYTHING LIKE THIS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
FILM IN PORTRAIT MODE!
( LAUGHTER ) FILM IT IN LANDSCAPE, YOU'RE
-- YOU'VE GOT TO GET THIS!
YOU'RE MISSING ALL THE RACISM ON THE
SIDES.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'VE RELEASED THE ACTUAL
AUDIO OF THE 911 CALL -- >> HI, I HAVE TWO GENTLEMEN IN
MY CAFE THAT ARE REFUSING TO MAKE A PURCHASE OR LEAVE.
>> STEPHEN: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
"CAFE?" COME ON, LADY.
YOU'RE A COMPLIMENTARY BATHROOM THAT SELLS CAKE POPS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) AND ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS.
AND THIS WAS SOME REAL FAST-ACTING PREJUDICE.
-- FAST-ACTING JUSTICE.
"THE PAIR ARRIVED AT 4:35 P.M," AND "THE 911 CALL WAS PLACED AT
4:37 P.M."
THAT'S ONLY TWO MINUTES LATER!
"HELLO, 911?
I'D LIKE TO REPORT 120 SECONDS OF SITTING WHILE BLACK.
OH, MY GOD-- IT'S UP TO 130!" GET HERE QUICK!
( PIANO RIFF ) IT'S ASTOUNDING THAT A STARBUCKS
EMPLOYEE WOULD BE SO RACIALLY INSENSITIVE.
I'M PRETTY SURE THEIR LOGO IS BEYONCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S WHO IT IS!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL, IN RESPONSE
TO THE INCIDENT, STARBUCKS CHAIRMAN
HOWARD SCHULTZ HAS PROMISED CHANGES.
>> I WANT TO PERSONALLY APOLOGIZE FOR ANYONE WHO HAS
EVER FELT ANYTHING OTHER THAN RESPECT AND DIGNITY IN OUR
STORES.
NO ONE SHOULD BE ASKED TO LEAVE STARBUCKS.
>> STEPHEN: I DON'T KNOW, I CAN THINK OF A FEW PEOPLE I'D LIKE
TO SEE KICKED OUT.
THE GUY WATCHING "WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES" ON HIS
LAPTOP WITHOUT HEADPHONES.
THAT ART STUDENT WHO IS CLEARLY SKETCHING YOU.
AND TO TRY TO MAKE SURE THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE,
STARBUCKS ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'LL BE CLOSING 8,000 U.S. STORES ON
MAY 29 FOR RACIAL-BIAS TRAINING.
8,000 STORES-- THAT'S ALMOST ALL THE LOCATIONS ON THIS BLOCK!
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST WONDER WHAT THIS TRAINING
SESSION IS GOING TO BE LIKE FOR BLACK STARBUCKS EMPLOYEES.
"OKAY, GUYS.
LET'S ALL SETTLE DOWN AND LISTEN WHILE THIS NICE WHITE LADY FROM
H.R. TELLS US WHAT RACISM IS.
IT'S SO SAD."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I DID NOT KNOW!
DID YOU -- DID YOU KNOW?
I DID NOT KNOW!
( APPLAUSE ) OH!
( LAUGHTER ) ARE WE DONE?
NOW, IT'S QUESTIONABLE WHETHER THIS IS GOING TO BE ENOUGH,
SEEING AS HOW THESE STORES WILL CLOSE FOR ONLY PART OF THE
AFTERNOON.
"WHAT DO WE WANT?
JUSTICE!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
MAY 29, FOR ABOUT THREE HOURS."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I THINK STARBUCKS IS DOING
THE RIGHT THING.
AS MARTIN LUTHER KING SAID, "I HAVE A DREAM THAT ONE DAY THE
SONS OF FORMER SLAVES AND THE SONS OF FORMER SLAVE OWNERS WILL
SIT TOGETHER AT THE TABLE OF BROTHERHOOD ON REALLY TALL
STOOLS, PROVIDED THEY'VE ORDERED SOMETHING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I'VE GOT A TALL SKINNY LATTE FOR
"MORTON LATHER KANG?" ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ANTONIO BANDERAS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, MORE TRUMP OFFICIALS, MORE PROBLEMS.
STICK AROUND.