Is your ex moving backwards in the five stages? If so, what do you do? What does it mean?
That's what we're going to be talking about in this video. But first, my name is Clay
with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship that you're
looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard to get, and without
having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not, because you of course deserve
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else out there who might want to know if their ex is moving backwards on the five stages.
We are going to be talking about the five stages. Of course, we do have our course called
the Ex Solution Program, which helps you to navigate through these five stages. If you
do want to find out more about that course, it is down in the description box below this
video. But yeah, we're talking about the five stages. If you're watching this video, you
probably have gone through at least one of our videos about the five stages and you maybe
have some questions about it. If you're new to all of this, we do have our video series
on the five stages your ex goes through in getting back together with you. You can find
that video right up there.
But yeah, this is a question that I get from time to time, and that's like, hey, my ex
is going through these five stages and it totally makes sense. How long does it take
to get from one stage to the next? What do I do if it seems like my ex is moving backwards
through these five stages? What does that mean? Let's go ahead and talk about this.
For most people out there who have like a normal kind of breakup where there's not a
whole lot of heavy drama, screaming, fighting, crying, and all that stuff, your ex is probably
going to start at riding the dragon, right in the middle. They're going to be kind of
thing going, "Hey, did I make the right choice? I don't know. Maybe I did. There were also
some good things about the relationship. Maybe I kind of went a little bit too far. I don't
know." But then oftentimes, the way that we respond after a breakup will cause them to
kind of move backwards towards test drive or the wall of reactants.
It's not that everyone necessarily needs to start at wall of reactants, and then go to
test drive, and then go to riding the dragon, and then crisis point, and then new beginnings.
That can happen. Again, if there is like a high drama breakup, yeah, your ex might, boom,
get pushed way back to wall of reactants, and then you've got to kind of climb out of
that. But many times, they just start right in the middle and then it's the things that
we do, unfortunately when we're in damage control mode in that panic state, that kind
of move us backwards towards test drive or wall of reactants.
I'd say probably the vast majority of exes start right in the middle. Then it is possible
to, of course, backslide through these five stages if you're not responding appropriately.
Which is why we also have the other five stages that kind of document your journey in inspiring
your ex to get back together with you.
The interesting thing is your ex has their five stages and many people like to focus
in on their ex and say, "What stage is my ex at? Where are they in all of that?" But
the more important question is, where are you at in your five stages? Because if you
are in damage control mode, you're going to naturally be kind of like pulling your ex
from wherever they might be on their spectrum towards the back, towards wall of reactants.
On the same vein, if you are at effortless connection, which is the fifth stage that
you may go through on your journey to inspire your ex to get back together with you, you're
going to naturally be pulling them from wherever they are up through their five stages towards
new beginnings.
We don't necessarily need to worry so much about where our ex is in their five stages.
That can kind of tell us roughly what we might be able to expect moving forward, but what
we want to do is we want to look at where we are. Are we at damage control mode, where
many of us, I'm speaking from personal experience here, find ourselves after a breakup?Are we
maybe at attachment stage? Are we at the crossroads? Are we at one of these other stages? Or what's
going on with us? Are we moving forward through our stages, or are we moving backwards through
our stages? Because that's going to inspire our ex to choose to come forward or backward
with us.
That is to say, they're going to sort of match whichever stage we're at. If we are at crossroads,
we're going to inspire them to come to riding the dragon, wherever they're at. If they're
at crisis point, they might backslide into riding the dragon. If they're at test drive,
they might advance forward towards riding the dragon as well, too. It kind of depends
on where we're at, whereas if we're at the bridge, we're going to inspire them to kind
of move towards crisis point. Or if we're at of course, effortless connection, we're
going to inspire them to move towards new beginnings.
It is possible for your ex to move backwards. It just indicates that maybe there's a little
bit more work that you need to do when it comes to your five stages, and we need to
kind of look at where they're at on the emotional spectrum as well, too. Because, yeah, they're
going to have their own emotion, their own emotional journey, and their own emotional
experience as they navigate through these five stages. That's totally normal and that's
totally common.
However, what is definitely important is how we respond to the emotions that our ex is
experiencing, that they're expressing, that they are bringing to the table through the
interactions, whether they're vocally saying like, "Hey, I have some concerns about this,"
whether they're hot and cold like at riding the dragon, whether they're doing a sharp
pullback, whether something else is happening. What's important is how we respond, because
if we respond poorly from a place of damage control mode, we're just going to inspire
them to backslide, perhaps a great deal. Whereas if we are composed, if we're communicating
clearly, if we're doing all of these other things, we can really inspire them to kind
of move forward towards new beginnings.
Again, your ex isn't just going to magically move through these stages through a period
of time. That's another common question we get. How long does it take to move through
these stages? It's not just a matter of waiting it out. It's not just a matter of like, okay,
you're pregnant, so it's going to happen in more or less 40 weeks. It's a matter of like,
okay, what can we do to actively encourage this to happen? What can we do to inspire
them to take that next step emotionally? Many times, that is going to be determined by where
we are and how we are responding.
That's where the advanced relational skills come into focus in this whole five stages
thing. They inspire our ex to want to connect more with us because we are leading by example.
We are leading the way for them to actually open up and kind of work through their own
emotional issues. We're kind of being a sounding board so to speak for them to kind of work
through their own emotional issues. We're being very understanding, compassionate, but
also firm, not letting them walk all over us and all that sort of stuff. That's going
to inspire them to want to connect more, to want to commit more, want to deepen the connection
with us more.
Yes, it is possible to backslide through the five stages. It is definitely possible to
move in reverse through the five stages. I've seen it happen, and usually it is happening
because the other person, the client who wants to get back together with their ex, they are
not responding appropriately to their ex's emotions, most likely because they are in
one of the lower stages that they need to be at when they're getting back together with
their ex and they're kind of pulling their ex backward like a magnet. Maybe they're in
damage control mode and their ex might be kind of like on the fence. Like, "I don't
know. I'm kind of hot and cold," but they're in damage control mode, so they're pulling
their ex backward towards test drive, or maybe even eventually, if they keep it up and they
don't get their act together, towards wall of reactants.
That's why it is absolutely critical that you focus on yourself, absolutely critical
that you focus on how you're bringing yourself to the interactions, and how you're bringing
yourself to the relationship. That is why we would do make a big deal about advanced
relational skills and how we're presenting ourselves and all of that.
It's not just a matter of memorizing scripts, and memorizing text messages, and memorizing
what to say, and all of this sort of stuff. We want to focus on demonstrating that we
are actually bringing a legitimate, positive change, that we are staying composed. We know
who we are. We're staying curious. We're staying empathetic. We're having strong boundaries
when appropriate, and we're also taking a stand for certain things in our lives so that
we can help our ex advance through their five stages by leading by example, by showing them
and demonstrating to them that we are, for lack of a better word, the kind of person
that they want to be in a relationship with. Okay.
Again, this is important stuff. It's something that I think a lot of people may overlook
when they ask, what stage do you think my ex is at? Because it's like ultimately it's
irrelevant, because the stage that you are at is going to ultimately determine the stage
that they eventually end up at. Focus on what stage you are at, and your ex will kind of
match you. Again, they have their five stages. You have your five stages. Focus as much as
you can on being on your fifth stage, effortless connection, and you will start to move your
ex closer and closer and closer towards new beginnings.
But yeah, if you want to learn more about how to apply all of this, we do have that
course called the Ex Solution Program. You can find info on that down in the description
box below this video. Check it out. If it's right for you, I'd love to see you inside.
If it's not right for you, no problem. It's not everyone's cup of tea. Check it out if
you're curious.
But anyway, thank you so much for watching this video. Once again, if you did like it,
help spread this video throughout the world of YouTube by hitting that thumbs up button,
and think about subscribing to the channel as well too if you like these videos and you
want to get more of them when we do upload and post new videos. If you do want to learn
more about the five stages of getting back together, we do have this video series right
over here, or you might want to check out this video right here. but thank you so much.
Please take care, and I'll talk to you next time.