Mark: Welcome to Mark Asks number 10. We're back again for another week and I've got another
expert with me. You may recognize her. She's been on once before. I'm back here with EJ
Love. Thank you for coming in again, EJ.
EJ Love: Yeah, love it.
Mark: Pleasure to have you. So, if you haven't seen his resume from the previous Mark Asks
we did. It was fantastic. I'll put the link in the description. Go check it out. E J is
a love and sex coach from here in the Gold Coast just near where I live here in Brisbane.
You've written your book becoming the one which is phenomenal, absolutely phenomenal.
That's in the description. You've coached workshops, not just in Australia, but all
around the world, hundreds near thousands of, of, one-on-one client sessions where you've
helped women heal their love wounds and it's not, it's not, there's a lot of mind in it.
It's also through a holistic approach though. It's through their spirituality, through their
energy, and it's, it's that whole, that whole basically holistic approach to healing those
previous wounds, which is very poignant for today's topic and this fascinated me. I'm
so excited to hear your thoughts on this. We're talking wound mates versus soulmates
and how to tell the difference in what you're attracting. Yeah. So I'm sure every viewer
has heard of the term soulmate, but wound mate will be new to a lot of viewers. So do
you want to start out? What's a wound mate?
EJ Love: So a wound mate is someone genuinely who comes in that will trigger you a lot.
Um, I dunno if I could swear. So, but it triggers you a lot and um,
Mark: You do you. You do you. Safe space here, You do you.
EJ Love: It triggers the fuck out of you. Um, and usually it's very intense connection.
Mark: Like chemistry you're talking about...
EJ Love: Full on like chemistry. So basically they come in to trigger your deepest wounds
to bring them up for healing. The problem is that people get confused because they think
this person is this soulmate because of the intensity, because of the, Oh my God, I've
never been with someone like this. Never felt this way. And it's everything that I hoped
for, it's the fairy tail, they're saying all the right things. And then the wounds of rejection,
abandonment, the fears all start coming up and that becomes very intense too. And it's
this like emotional roller coaster up and down. Like I love, hate. Like I love you,
I hate you repulsive attraction and it's just up and down, on off. That's a wound mate basically.
Mark: So a wound mate's unhealthy for you?
EJ Love: Yes, they're unhealthy, but they can be evolved into soulmates if both people
are prepared to do the work. And more often than not, I see that one person is prepared
to do the work and the other person is not. Yeah.
Mark: So when, how do you tell the difference if a woman's going, Oh God, I just felt this
great chemistry with this guy. Have I just attracted a wound mate? Um, how does, how
does she know? How do you coach her to know?
EJ Love: So generally the role I, I stand by is fast and intense is a red flag of a
wound mate. Fast and intense, like very full-on, very fast attachment, that's a sign of a wound
made. Slow and develops over time. And sometimes it might even be a friendship first. Sometimes
the people will, you may not even be interested in the person and it grows and develops and
you're staying in a strong connection with yourself and not losing yourself is genuinely
sign of more of a soulmate connection. Yep.
Mark: One thing I talk about, and I haven't expressed it in those terms, as I say, sometimes
the fastest, you know it's, it's the fireworks, cause I've had this once as well and there's
a recent video, if you haven't seen it, When A Dating Coach Gets Ghosted, go and check
it out, crazy chemistry still to this day, no idea what happened to her. But I say sometimes
it's the ones with the most fireworks they kind of burn out very quickly. While sometimes
the ones that sort of start as a small flame become an Inferno and they become essentially
soulmates. So what's your, what's your context of soulmates? You know, it's interesting cause
this isn't necessarily something that I would directly coach. I would personally coach people.
I coach people to great relationships that build them, that grow them. Sometimes those
relationships don't last their entire lives. Sometimes they may, sometimes they may do,
other times they may last just a few years and that was the growth that person needed
at the time. Other times it could even be shorter. And you know, I, I'm sort of soulmate
is a very singular term, whereas, you know, I've met women who have had say two fantastic
marriages. If the first husband's passed away and she's like, you know, I've really feel
I've had two soulmates who added so much to my life in their own ways. What's your, how
do you think about soulmates?
EJ Love: Yeah, so I think about soulmate as in soulmate energy, that we hold soulmate
energy and we attract soulmate energy and it can be in our friendships. It can be in
family, it can be in partnerships, can be romantically that it's all this kind of soulmate.
They can even client -soulmate clients. Right? Um,
Mark: so you're not like a single or there's one soulmate to rule them all sort of mindset.
EJ Love: Yeah. So I feel like there's so much conditioning on finding the "one" and my book
has been called Becoming The One because it's actually about becoming your, your one for
you first becoming the one for yourself first.
Mark: We didn't mention that you EJ went viral. She's been on all the morning shows and things
just right around Australia for your ceremony where you said I'm going to become the one
myself.
EJ Love: Yeah it did the self-marriage ceremony and you know some people might prefer to call
it a self-love commitment ceremony and, and I do these for woman regular by who worked
with me at the end we'll celebrate with the self love commitment ceremony and it's really
beautiful because it is about being a partner for yourself first rather than looking at,
I need this person to complete me. So I feel like with the soulmate it's like actually
becoming your own soulmate first is what's really important and knowing that you're already
whole, that you're already complete and you're not looking for someone else to complete you
because you're not half a soul. You're a whole soul, no one's half a soul. It's, it's, you're
a whole soul. And from that place you can actually attract someone that's also a whole
soul.
Mark: Does this at all relate to, we talked in a previous interview about healing your
inner masculine, which is something a lot of women go, well, I'm a woman. I don't want
to heal my masculine. Does this also relate to that? You need to, to heal that, to be
your whole soul. How does that relate to the soulmate?
EJ Love: Yeah, so I think it's, you know, I think ultimately we're already a whole soul.
It's really like unlearning the conditioning that tells us that we're not, you know?
Mark: Right. Which is the soulmate conditioning. You need to find the one to be happy and have
your wedding ceremony. It's the common conditioning.
EJ Love: Yeah, exactly. And so it's, it's like with the masculine-feminine, it's not
about being more masculine or being more feminine. It's about evolving and integrating both within
itself. And then when you're in a partnership with a man or a woman, you're going, you're
going to be going in and out of masculine-feminine. So it's not about the man's going to be masculine.
And I'm going to be feminine. It's like sometimes he's going to be masculine and sometimes he's
going to be feminine. And then we'll play with that. Whereas what I'm seeing in a lot
of wound mate connections is you generally will have one person that tends to be in like
a really more immature masculine energy and one person that's in a more wounded feminine
energy. And then you're polarizing each other, which then creates that chemistry and all
those happy chemicals, which we think are love. And that's the wound mate, wount mate's
all about happy chemicals about your serotonin, your dopamine. Um, and it's an oxytocin and
those are, you know, we think, Oh, I'm so in love with this person and I've only just
met them and I don't know why. It's like no, that, that's oxytocin, right? Yeah.
Mark: How could I, if I'm in that situation or if a woman's in a situation where she says,
I had this one guy or in my case this one girl,in retrospect, how can we look back on
that and say, okay, if that was a wound mate, um, you know, what, what would you say to
me? Or how can I, how can I use this for the future? You know, this information that I
might've attracted this person.
EJ Love: Yeah. Right. So with the, with the wound made, it's like what did it, what did
it bring up for you? Is the, is looking at when you, when someone gets ghosted or when
you got ghosted, was there feelings that it brought up? Did it bring up things like rejection
or abandonment or confusion or what was, what if there was anything that came up and generally
I find with my clients, there'll be stuff like frustration and upset and confusion.
Things of like, Oh, what did I do wrong? Or like what's going on? Like, and these kinds
of things that will, will be brought up. That is the purpose of the wound mate.
Mark: Wouldn't you get those same things if a soulmate abandoned you? Aren't those natural
responses to, to anyone you care about disappearing?
EJ Love: So with like a more soulmate connection, it will be much more gentler. And generally
you would work through, like generally you probably wouldn't attract someone that abandoned you
if they, if they were a soulmate connection. It will be or be much more gentler and it
will help you to work through it more easily, and not the intense strong intensity, right?
Yeah. And I also feel like you couldn't consistently attracting wound mates and it's whether we
choose to kind of go into that intensity or take our time and, and like when someone wants
to move fast, it's like no, I actually need to take the slow so I have time to process
my feelings and what was coming up.
Mark: Yeah. And you know, I work with clients where some of them, you know, maybe they haven't
had a relationship for a while and they meet a guy who treats them very well and the guy
wants to go really fast. And I sort of imagine it like, like a train bushes past you at like
a hundred kilometers an hour and the woman is kind of like, oh do I kind of just grab
on and go with him or do I sort of, you know, try to grab but also put the brakes on the
whole time. And the worry is if they put the brakes on, he will lose interest because you're
kind of giving him some negative signs and he'll lose interest. And it's really important
that they do that. And I use the terminology of, of sticking to your own timeline, which
is like you have a timeline, you're allowed to fall in love at your own speed. And if
a guy wants to run at a hundred kilometers an hour and if you putting the brakes on means
that he falls off the tracks or disappears up the road, you have to let him run up the
road. Cause every time you kind of go, all right, I'll jump in and go for the ride. I've
never seen a healthy outcomes or good outcomes. Would you agree? Is that your sort of experience?
Yeah.
EJ Love: And I believe that a man, if a man does, is interested in, and does value you,
he will, he will wait. Like I feel like, yeah. Yeah. Um, the experiences that I've personally
had and my clients had personally had. If a man wants to go fast, it's a red flag. That's
also common um, narcissistic red flag. Yeah.
Mark: Cause that's where we come into love bombing. And you talk about this quite a bit
in your book cause you're sort of a survivor of this. You've been through it. We had H.G
Tudor on the first Mark Asks. So if you, if you want to know more about narcissism, that
interview blew my mind. He Is very greater elite narcissists, very self aware and basically
spent his life teaching empath. You've touched on this in your book as well. Is that a really
common pattern that maybe the empathic woman attracts the wound mate narcissist? Is that a common...
EJ Love: yeah. So empathic and codependent. So co-dependence will usually as well like
when you're seeking love and approval outside of yourself. Like a narcissist comes in and
love bombs you and gives you all the love and approval. Yeah.
Mark: And so you'll depend on him for it. And it's like he's got you hooked and yeah,
you're depending on that validation. So when he takes it away, he now has you coming to
him for it.
EJ Love: Yeah. Yeah. And so we have a whole chapter in my book on narcissism, codependency
and empaths, um, I mean narcissism is through the whole book, but particularly around the,
those and again, that wound mates that, that's the polarity, right? Yeah. So usually a lot
of ground, um, the wound of abandonment and rejection and not being wanted as usually
the one that, uh, like a narcissist work with is like, so as soon as you start healing the,
the abandonment wound, then like the stuff that the, the red flags of the narcissist
is not going to work on anymore. Yeah.
Mark: So what do you say to a woman who says, Oh, it was, it was love at first sight. I
just knew the chemistry was there. Do you sort of say, you know, you want to be careful
here. Do you say, look that's, that's always going to be a wound mate or it's probably
a wound mate or do you kind of say, look, just, just be careful or I think it's complicated
by the fact that every now and then, I've met a woman where, you know, they say it was
love at first sight and here they are 10 years later, you know, five years later married.
Those are rare though. And more often the woman who says it's love at first sight, you
kind of don't hear what happens at the end cause well, that didn't actually go so well
and people don't tell those stories right when love at first sight goes wrong. So what
do you say if a client comes to you and says, you know what, this guy is treating me great.
Um, he's finally the person who hasn't treated me like my toxic exes. I think this is, this
is instant love. This is love at first sight. Your advice.
EJ Love: My first question is what healing have you done between
after the toxic relationship and now?
Mark: Right?
EJ Love: What healing have you done? Have you healed yourself from the past? Because
if you've not healed yourself, you're going to keep attracting wound mates until you heal
it basically. And in different, might be in different ways. But ultimately it's like how
is the relationship with yourself is the question. You know, do you feel like you have a really
happy, healthy whole relationship with yourself or are you still feeling quite like you haven't
healed your past wounds and there's still some healing that needs to be done. And sometimes
you know, in relationships and healthy relationships you're going to, you're going to, you're always
going to get triggered because that's the human brain, right? But it's like how do you
manage those triggers and do you communicate about it? Most people that go through these
love at first sight relationships end up in some kind of codependency.
Mark: Yeah. That's been my experience too, unfortunately.
EJ Love: Yeah. I mean we're conditioned for codependency, like we were conditioned for
wound mate relationships. You know, the movies like the notebook, which is still one of my
favorite movies to this day. It's codependency, it's wound mate. It's like this twin flame
concept. It's all,
Mark: and that's, you know, that's what a lot of this twin flame stuff where that crazy
chemistry is there. We're kind of talking about this before the interview is like a
lot of that can often be wound mates.
EJ Love: Oh yeah. Like most of it. Like yes. Which, which gives the, cause there's so much
devastation and confusion usually because the person is feeling abandoned and rejected
and that's a wound mate and, but I believe that this whole twin flame concept is to actually
wake people up till they become their own soulmate. So then they attract their soulmate.
Mark: Okay. So if you're currently in a relationship with what you suspect might be a wound mate,
what can that woman do next or what, what can she do to hopefully be one of the exceptions
that does turn into a soulmate?
EJ Love: Well, to really start looking at what are the wounds that are coming up, like
what are the triggers, what is, what is coming up? I, I explore a lot of this in my, in my
book and ideally my book is about evolving the wound mate into soulmates and whether
it's yourself or with another person. And so with that, it's, it's really about looking
at those wounds and starting to explore healing them. And then if in the partnership it's
like, is the other person willing to do the same? Are they willing to work on some of
the stuff that you trigger in them? Because ultimately these triggers and these wounds
are being triggered are an access to your deepest healing and access to deepening self-love
when you have two people that love themselves first in a relationship that is going to be
a healthy non codependent relationship and communicating about it is key. Communicating
openly about like consciously about, well these are the things that trigger me and I
want to work through this and how can we support each other?
Mark: So are wound mates actually a necessary part of the process to finding a soul mate?
Like if you don't have these wound maids, will these areas ever have a light shine on
them?
EJ Love: Yeah, I think wound mates are a gift. I think they're a blessing. And I think, you
know, when we see them like that, it's, it shows us, you know, like what, what's next
in line to be healed.
Mark: Right. So it's, it's not necessarily about per se staying single until you find
a soulmate. It could actually be having to attract a wound mate to have that highlighted.
EJ Love: Yup. Yup. And it's how you deal with the wounds and the triggers that
will keep
Mark: will determine your ultimate, I guess, health in your relationships and your success. Yeah.
EJ Love: Yup. And I've definitely seen wound mate connections evolved into, into soulmate
ones. Yeah. Yeah. Evolved where they've both really done the work. Yeah.
Mark: Okay. You've got a little success story of that happening that you can share?
EJ Love: well I usually work with mostly single people, but there are definitely a few that
I like. Yeah. There's quite a, there's quite a few actually like that. Yeah. That they
have worked through it and evolved cause a lot of the, they just have some tools to use.
It can shift everything in it. And both of them being committed. Yeah. Except the ones
are not, except the one's a narcissist then you need to get the hell out.
Mark: Yeah. Well that was something HG has said, you know what, we're not capable of
love. We can go to therapy sometimes and we can move a therapist, but we're not, we're
just doing it so we can get more of our needs met. Yeah. Yeah. So that's a thing to be,
or if the person, if the wound mate is a narcissist,
EJ Love: get the fuck out.
Mark: Yeah. Well, we laugh, but that's real.
EJ Love: I've been there like so many times, but it's like, yeah, it's, it's
Mark: What can people do if they want to find out more about this process?
EJ Love: Yeah, yeah. I've got the book. The book would be the best start. Um, and I have
a free program with that as well as just like a short five-day program that people can get
some videos to, to help them as well. So
Mark: you're also in my Facebook group too. Yup. You're on a Facebook group, so come say
hi to me and EJ in the Facebook group. Thank you so much for coming in. That was absolutely
brilliant. Yeah, I find that I'm learning something from every single one of these interviews
and I'm sure the viewers are learning heaps in their cell, so thank you so much for coming
in. Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below. Comments, thoughts, questions
for EJ. I'm sure she'll be happy to come on and answer a couple, put 'em in the section
below and let me know if there's another topic you'd like me to get EJ for info with the
Mark Asks to talk about. So you hit that subscribe button. If you've enjoyed the content, big
subscribe button there with a little bell as well and hit the like button and yeah,
EJ, thank you so much for coming in. It's been an absolute pleasure. Amazing content.
I love your stuff.
EJ Love: Thank you. Thank you. The same goes for you. The feeling's mutual.
Mark: Thank you. We'll see you next time, guys. Bye.