HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD DAY.
WE'VE GOT A GOOD ONE PLANNED FOR YOU.
LET'S GET RIGHT INTO THE NEWS.
IN RETALIATION TO PRESIDENT TRUMP'S ESCALATING TRADE WAR,
CHINA HAS JUST ANNOUNCED THEY WILL NO LONGER BUY ANY
AGRICULTURAL PRODUCTS FROM THE UNITED STATES.
MEANING, TRUMP'S POLICIES COULD NOW COST AMERICAN FARMERS
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING-- THE MASTER NEGOTIATOR STRIKES
AGAIN!
( LAUGHTER ) CHINA IS NO LONGER BUYING FROM
AMERICAN FARMERS.
SO BE SURE TO DO YOUR PART TO HELP OUT.
AT THE FARMER'S MARKET THIS WEEKEND, PICK UP A COUPLE OF
EXTRA TOMATOES AND MAYBE AN EXTRA TWO MILLION POUNDS OF
SOYBEANS.
( LAUGHTER ) AS YOU KNOW, THIS ALL COMES AS A
RESPONSE TO PRESIDENT TRUMP RECENTLY INCREASING TARIFFS ON
CHINESE GOODS.
I'M NOT AN ECONOMIST, BUT I THINK IT'S BECAUSE SOMEONE'S A
BIT JEALOUS OF SOMEONE ELSE'S WALL.
( LAUGHTER ) ON TOP OF HURTING FARMERS, THIS
TRADE WAR WILL INCREASE THE PRICES OF IPHONES, SNEAKERS, AND
TOYS, WHICH MEANS TRUMP'S REELECTION STRATEGY SEEMS TO BE
BUILT AROUND RUINING CHRISTMAS.
( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
NEWS, THIS MORNING, THE AMERICAN AMBASSADOR TO RUSSIA, JON
HUNTSMAN, SUBMITTED HIS LETTER OF RESIGNATION.
NOW FOR A DIRECT LINE TO RUSSIA, TRUMP WILL JUST HAVE TO RELY ON
ERIC TRUMP, DONALD JUNIOR... AND MOST OF HIS CABINET.
( LAUGHTER ) HUNTSMAN HAS BEEN TRUMP'S
AMBASSADOR TO RUSSIA FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS.
HE SAYS HE'S STEPPING DOWN TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH WHATEVER
SHRED OF DECENCY HE HAS LEFT.
( LAUGHTER ) HUNTSMAN SAYS HE INTENDS TO KEEP
BUSY THOUGH, AND WILL BE RETURNING TO WORK AS THE MURDER
SUSPECT IN EVERY EPISODE OF "LAW AND ORDER."
( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, DID YOU GUYS SEE
THIS?
YESTERDAY, TRAVIS SCOTT SURPRISED HIS GIRLFRIEND KYLIE
JENNER BY GIVING HER SOME BIRTHDAY ROSES.
TAKE A LOOK AT HOW HE ARRANGED THEM.
LOOK AT ALL THOSE ROSES, IT'S SO ROMANTIC.
ISN'T IT?
ALTHOUGH I BET THE HOUSEKEEPER IS LIKE, "OH, COME ON!"
( LAUGHTER ) I'D HATE TO BE THE GUY WHO GOT
TO THE FLORIST RIGHT AFTER TRAVIS SCOTT AND HAD TO BE LIKE,
"HONEY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS BUT... ANYWAY
HERE'S A BEST BUY GIFT CARD."
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE HAD TO SHOW YOU THIS.
LATE LAST NIGHT IN CHICAGO, A SEMI-TRUCK TIPPED OVER ON A
HIGHWAY AND SPILLED 40,000 POUNDS OF WINE BOTTLES OUT ONTO
THE ROAD.
HERE'S WHAT THE SCENE LOOKED LIKE.
LOOK AT THAT.
TO SOP UP ALL THE WINE, AUTHORITIES IMMEDIATELY
DISPATCHED SEVERAL LOCAL BOOK CLUBS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE POLICE SHOWED UP, BUT THE
WINE HAD ALREADY SUNKEN INTO THE ROAD THAT THE HIGHWAY
IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO FIGHT POLICE.
( LAUGHTER ) "I'M NOT CAUSING TROUBLE!
YOU'RE CAUSING TROUBLE!
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A DRUNK HIGHWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, A 70-YEAR-OLD MAN
IN ENGLAND HAS NOW BEEN AWARDED $24,000 AFTER HE WENT TO A
HOSPITAL FOR A ROUTINE BLADDER OPERATION, BUT WAS MISTAKENLY
CIRCUMCISED.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH, I KNOW.
THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A REAL SLICE-OF-LIFE STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE HOSPITAL TRIED TO PUT A
POSITIVE SPIN ON IT AND WERE LIKE, "WE MARIE KONDO'D YOUR
PENIS!" ( LAUGHTER )
HE WALKED IN FOR A BLADDER OPERATION BUT WALKED OUT WITH AN
ACCIDENTAL CIRCUMCISION.
THIS IS SHOCKING, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WHEN YOU LEFT A HOSPITAL
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE A TIP.