[cheesy theme song playing]
honestly I've never been happier before in my whole entire life
I'm finally living
with the love of my life in the city of my dreams!
I finally got my work visa to live in Canada because
Keara... didn't wanna move to the United States
but anyway that's not important
I'm so excited and ready to start living my life with Keara.
Keara - Everything is perfect.
...Well, other than us still living with my mother.
but don't even worry,
we've already started to look at places and we're probably gonna move out in like a month.
Lauren - Waking up next to Keara every day is like...
everything I've ever wanted in my whole entire life.
Yeah... except Lauren has
really bad morning breath.
Lauren - Well... Keara takes all of the fucking blankets.
Lauren
farts when she sleeps and they're so loud that she wakes me up like six times a night
Keara stabs me with her toenails every fucking night.
Hasn't anyone ever taught her
to clip those daggers!?
But, you know, I love her and I couldn't live without her.
[intense hip hop music begins]
WAKE THE FUCK UP!
THE GOVERNMENT JUST ANNOUNCED
THERE'S A PANDEMIC OUTSIDE!
So-- so put your anxiety away and let's go get groceries for the next two weeks.
Wait, what?
Oh, and we're all out of toilet paper
so you two better stock up considering the amount you two poop!
What time even is it?
Can we just go this afternoon?
NO. Mask up bitches! Let's go.
Come on.
Ugh, God.
[Lauren groans]
Is Kathryn actually for real right now?
Like, the audacity
she has to burst into my room
at the ass-crack of dawn
and trigger my anxiety like that!
AT LEAST KNOCK!
[door struggles to unlock]
Kathryn - Jeez-- you're making me-- I can't even open the door!
Kathryn - You're following me too close! Keara - Oh my GOD!
Keara - I'm literally not even touching you! Kathryn - BACK UP!
Kathryn - 6 FEET AWAY, OKAY?!
Keara - Oh my God MOM!
Keara - Like, just stop yelling at me right now!
Lauren - OH MY GOOOOODDDD.
Keara - Like, I just can't deal with you right now.
Kathryn - WHERE'S SHE GOING WITH THOSE BAGS??
WHERE'S SHE-- WHERE'S SHE TAKING THOSE BAGS?!
EH!
Bring those bags out on to the balcony!
You're gonna get sicky germs all over the table!
[Dramatic Boom]
Excuse me, is there a problem here?
Yes! We have to disinfect those grocery bags before we bring them in here!
Well, don't talk to her like that!
Well, do-- do you want a side of-- of--
of sick germs with your-- veggie burger!?
Well, no...
Oh my gosh, where's the wine?
Give me the wine.
Jeez...
Keara - [laughs madly] OKAY.
Kathryn has officially lost her marbles.
[exhales]
God.
It's okay.
I deserve this fucking glass of wine right now.
I had to bodyslam someone for the last garlic hummus...
and there's no toilet paper... like, anywhere.
Oh, and
I had to use last season's Christmas napkins to wipe my ass!
So... [exhale]
I had a mental breakdown in the grocery store
And I think it went pretty well!
I mean, the security guard had to escort me out because apparently I was making a "scene"
[scoffs]
Yeah, okay.
Keara threw an apple at an old lady's head because she coughed, once.
I need to set some ground rules for these two girls because they're playing house,
they're not playing reality.
[Dramatic Boom]
This is reality.
[Kathryn exhales]
First of all
This is 2.5 pH acidic water.
gargle with it and snort it when you come in from outside.
[Dramatic Violin]
THIS BITCH.
wants me to burn my nostrils with acid water.
Secondly,
You all need to be smudged because there is way too much toxic energy in this condo right now.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
SHE THINKS THAT WE'RE TOXIC?!
I AM CHOKING FROM THE SPIT
THAT IS COMING OUT OF HER MOUTH RIGHT NOW.
Kathryn - Thirdly,
You two have not been doing your part in cleaning
so here's a list of household chores that need to be done.
[Lauren clears throat]
You can take that back.
[Intense hip-hop music begins]
I am fucking MELTING--
fucking EVAPORATING by the words that Kathryn is saying right now.
I moved up here to be independent, not be parented by someone else's mother.
Lauren, get used to it honey.
This is what I've had to deal with my entire life.
[Dramatic Boom]
[paper rustles]
[Dramatic Boom & Violin]
I swear to God, if she makes me lick all of the vents to get all the dust in the cracks,
she better sleep with one eye open.
OH YEAH BITCH.
I went there.
NO. ONE. IS. FUCKING. VISITING.
THERE IS A LITERAL PANDEMIC.
I don't need to crawl on the bathroom floor on my knees
and scrub the tile
for "guests"
WHAT "GUESTS?"
[paper crumples]
[Dramatic Violin]
So Little Miss Ohio
thinks she can just waltz in here
ball up my chore list
and throw it at my back!
Well you don't know who you're messing with.
You're messing with Katie G.
[gasps]
If you don't do these chores,
I am done making you dinner.
And then you'll have to fend for yourselves.
I'M DONE BEING YOUR PERSONAL CHEF.
Well you know what mom?
We actually don't need you.
Lauren - Mmhm.
That's why they invented food delivery services.
Wait.. Keara, I'm not gonna lie
I can't afford $40 a meal.
We're kinda like...
...unemployed.
[Record scratch sound effect]
Shit.
[Intense hip-hop music begins]
[annoyed sigh]
I knew they'd do it if I bribed them with food.
You know, they act like I'm not a Taurus too.
Keara - I am so over her.
The utter disrespect
[Awkward music begins]
[Lauren spits]
Lauren honey, you missed a spot.
[Dramatic Boom]
Is it too late to move back to Ohio?
[Dramatic Booms]
I can't.
Believe.
My titties.
Lauren.
Left.
The condo.
[Keara cries]
Honey, what's wrong?
[gasps dramatically]
Lauren
went outside.
[Intense hip-hop music starts up again]
And she's touching stuff
And I saw in her insta story
there was a pigeon...
that was not six feet away.
No she didn't.
[stomps away]
[stomps after her]
[theme song playing]