Yesterday morning, the president tweeted...
(a la Trump): "The new Fake News narrative
"is that there is chaos in the White House.
"Wrong! There is no Chaos,
only great Energy."
I got to say, man,
if this whole president thing doesn't work out,
Trump would be dope at writing fortune cookies, huh?
(laughter)
"There is no chaos, only great energy.
Your lucky number is 69. It's always 69."
Now, look, Trump always says things
that are easily disproved,
but yesterday was particularly entertaining
because at 7:55 a.m., he tweeted "No chaos."
And then, the rest of the day was nothing but chaos.
(laughter)
Literally, just a few hours after he declared Tuesday
no-chaos, great-energy day,
news broke that the counsel to the president
and evil Disney stepmom Kellyanne Conway
had apparently broken the law.
WOMAN: We've got this breaking news now, and it has to do
with adviser to the president Kellyanne Conway.
The U.S. Office of Special Counsel, which says
that it has looked and found evidence
that Kellyanne Conway violated the Hatch Act.
MAN: Conway broke the law prohibiting government officials
from using their position to influence political campaigns.
The watchdog says Conway went on TV twice
to discuss the candidates in last year's Alabama Senate race.
I always thought Kellyanne Conway being on TV was a crime.
I just didn't know I was right. Yeah.
Because, I mean, the Hatch Act?
I didn't know that that was a thing.
But that's what's great about the Trump administration.
We're learning about all of America's laws
because they keep on breaking them, yeah.
By the end of Trump's term,
we're all gonna be legal scholars.
"The Hatch Act, the Logan Act, the emoluments clause.
I rest my case!"
But still, just because your top adviser was found
breaking the law doesn't mean you're in chaos.
So the president came out to assure everyone
that everything in The White House was no chaos,
great energy.
The White House has tremendous energy.
It has tremendous spirit.
It is a great place to be working.
Uh, many, many people want every single job.
You know, I read where, "Oh, gee,
maybe people don't want to work for Trump."
And, believe me, everybody wants to work in The White House.
Phew! Thank God.
(laughter)
I believe him. Yeah.
Everybody wants to work in The White House.
No chaos, great energy.
WOLF BLITZER: We're following breaking news.
Another high-level White House official is leaving.
President Trump's top economic adviser,
Gary Cohn, is resigning.
WOMAN: Gary Cohn becoming the latest in a string
of White House advisers to abandon ship.
Ah, White House advisers abandoning ship?
That's chaos, not great energy!
People don't abandon ships
when there's great energy, Mr. President.
Unless maybe I missed that scene in the Titanic."
(yelling)
There was too much great energy!
Oh!
(cheers and applause)
I cry every time.
Okay, but look, but look, maybe I'm being a hater, right.
One adviser caught breaking the law, another adviser quit.
It's a bad day, but it's not exactly chaos.
And the day was basically over,
so what else could possibly go...?
Breaking news this very hour.
NBC News reporting tonight that
adult film actress Stormy Daniels
is suing the President of the United States, Donald Trump,
saying the hush agreement she signed is invalid
because Trump never signed it.
You know...
(laughter)
This is amazing.
I mean, usually porn plots only last, like, 30 seconds,
but this one just keeps on going and going and going.
How incompetent are you if you didn't sign your own NDA?
The same guy who slaps his name on everything--
buildings, vodka, the least-sexy Twilight vampire.
(laughter)
Everything! Except the NDA.
So to recap, to recap--
in the 12 hours following the "everything's fine" tweet,
a senior counselor busted breaking the law,
a senior adviser said "'F' this, I'm out."
And a senior citizen apparently forgot
to sign the hush money contract with his porn star mistress.
Like, I don't want to say the president is wrong,
but this seems like chaos.
Yeah. In fact, at this point, I bet even chaos is like,
"Nah, this is too crazy for me.
"You need to take this up with batshit.
Yeah, this is not me."
You know what would be amazing?
I was thinking about this earlier.
You know what would be amazing?
Is if Melania ends up divorcing Trump over this porn star thing,
and then she somehow wins the White House in the divorce.
(laughter)
-Right? Right? -(applause, whooping)
But...
but... but he's still...
he's still president, so now he's running the government
out of a room at the Motel 6.
Like, he's leaning over the sink eating ramen noodles,
going... (slurps)
"No chaos. Great energy."