OUR NEXT GUEST IS A TREMENDOUSLY TALENTED STANDUP COMEDIAN AND
WRITER WHO PERFORMS REGULARLY ALL AROUND LOS ANGELES.
PLEASE WELCOME THE WONDERFUL NATE FERNALD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> HELLO!
HI.
I'M GOING TO, UH, TALK ABOUT MYSELF FOR A FEW MINUTES, THEN
I'M GOING TO LEAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE THING ABOUT ME, I WAS A BIT
OF A LATE BLOOMER.
YEAH.
I DIDN'T LOSE MY VIRGINITY UNTIL COLLEGE.
WAS PAID OFF.
SO -- ( LAUGHTER )
A LITTLE BIT OF TIME.
I WAS ALSO PICKED ON A LOT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
I GOT BULLIED A LOT.
I WAS BULLIED REGULARLY BY MY LOCAL FOOTBALL TEAM, THE MIAMI
DOLPHINS.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY WERE RELENTLESS!
I'M JUST NOT A TOUGH GUY, YOU KNOW.
I'M NOT A TOUGH GUY.
I CAN'T PULL IT OFF.
LIKE, I WANTED TO GET A MOTORCYCLE, BUT I CAN'T PULL A
MOTORCYCLE OFF.
I SAW A GUY ON A MOTORCYCLE AND HE WAS WEARING A T-SHIRT AND THE
BACK OF THE SHIRT SAID, IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE BITCH FELL
OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) WHOA.
WHOA.
( APPLAUSE ) I APPRECIATE THE APPLAUSE, RICK,
BUT I DIDN'T WRITE THAT.
THAT'S SOMEONE ELSE'S T-SHIRT.
BUT THANKS, ANYWAY.
BUT I COULDN'T PULL THAT SHIRT OFF.
THAT'S NOT ME.
THAT'S A MOTORCYCLE GUY BUT NOT ME.
IF I GOT A MOTORCYCLE, I WOULD HAVE TO GET AFTER SHIRT
SPECIALLY MADE THAT SAID, LIKE, IF YOU COULD READ THIS, HELP, I
LOST MY BACKPACK!
THAT'S WHAT MY SHIRT WOULD BE.
THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) I'M GOOD, NOW, THOUGH THINGS ARE
GETTING BETTER FOR ME.
I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND NOW, WHICH IS COOL.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH, WEIRD, THOUGH, SHE SAID
HER EX'S NAME IN BED THE OTHER DAY.
IT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT IT WAS A LITTLE MORE EMBARRASSED FOR
HER BECAUSE I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DATED A GUY NAMED IS IT IN YET.
WHAT KIND A NAME IS THAT?
( APPLAUSE ) I GOT ASKED THIS THE OTHER DAY,
IF I HAD TO COMPARE MYSELF TO ONE BUILDING, WHAT BUILDING I
WOULD COMPARE MYSELF TO.
YOU KNOW THAT OLD QUESTION?
WE'RE ALL GETTING ASKED IT, LIKE, TWICE A DAY.
WELL, I GOT ASKED IT, TOO.
I SAID THE BUILDING I WOULD MOST COMPARE MYSELF TO WOULD BE THE
PYRAMIDS BECAUSE, MUCH LIKE THE PYRAMIDS, WE'RE BOTH MYSTERIOUS,
WE'RE BOTH MAJESTIC, AND WE'RE BOTH BEGRUDGINGLY MADE BY SWEATY
JEWISH PEOPLE.
SO THAT'S HOW I LIKE THE PYRAMIDS.
( APPLAUSE ) I THINK THE REASON I DON'T HAVE
KIDS IS I'M TERRIFIED OF HAVING KIDS.
I'M REALLY SCARED, ESPECIALLY NOWADAYS.
THE KIDS, THEY GROW UP SO FAST THESE DAYS.
YOU NOTICE HOW FAST THESE KIDS ARE GROWING UP?
SO FAST!
LIKE, WHEN I WAS A KID, WE HAD THIS PLACE CALLED MAKEOUT CREEK.
I JUST FOUND OUT THAT KIDS TODAY ARE CALLING IT ANAL COVE!
YIKES!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BEFORE I GO, I WOULD LIKE TO DO SOME IMPRESSIONS FOR YOU GUYS.
( CHEERING ) DO YOU LIKE IMPRESSIONS?
GREAT.
OKAY.
THIS FIRST IMPRESSION, THIS IS CALLED NEAT FREAK AT A STRIP
CLUB, OKAY?
THIS IS NEAT FREAK AT A STRIP CLUB.
HERE WE GO.
TAKE IT OFF.
TAKE IT OFF!
FOLD IT.
OKAY, THAT WAS NEAT FREAK AT A STRIP CLUB.
( APPLAUSE ) THIS NEXT ONE'S BIG.
THIS IS A GUY WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MEATBALL, OKAY?
THIS IS A GUY WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MEATBALL.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A GUY, AND HE WANTS TO MARRY A MEATBALL.
I NEED MAKE SURE YOU'RE ALL ON BOARD WITH THAT FOR THIS TO
LAND.
IT'S A HUGE IMPRESSION, REALLY GOING TO CHANGE EVERYTHING.
IT'S A GUY AND HE WANTS TO MARRY A MEATBALL, OKAY?
NOW NORMALLY THE GUY TO MEATBALL RELATIONSHIP IS ONE OF EATING
BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE THIS TIME.
OKAY?
THIS GUY WANTS TO MARRY THE MEATBALL.
WHAT THE MEATBALL WANTS, I DON'T KNOW, FRANKLY NONE OF MY
BUSINESS, BUT THIS GUY WHO I'M ABOUT TO DO AN IMPRESSION OF,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE WANTS AND THAT'S TO MARRY THIS MEATBALL.
JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE HERE BECAUSE I
REALLY WANT THIS IMPRESSION TO LAND, OKAY?
TO MAKE SURE WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, WHAT'S THIS GUY WANT
TO MARRY?
>> AUDIENCE: MEATBALL!
WHO WANTS TO MARRY THIS MEATBALL?
>> THE GUY.
LOOKS LIKE MORE ARE ON BOARD WITH THE GUY PART THAN THE
MEATBALL.
TO RECAP.
THIS IS A GUY WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MEATBALL.
ALL RIGHT?
THIS IS AN IMPRESSION OF A GUY WHO WANTS TO MARRY, OF ALL
THINGS, A MEATBALL, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY.
HERE WE GO.
GUY WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MEATBALL.
ALL RIGHT.
OOH.
THAT'S A SPOUSEY MEATBALL!
THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> James: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NATE FERNALD!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY!