It's Christmastime,
and President Trump already knows what he wants from Santa:
a big, shiny border wall.
Although, let's be honest, Santa is not gonna give it to him,
because if there's one person who's on the naughty list,
it's Trump. Yeah.
Santa's like, "Ho, you've been a naughty boy this year, Donald.
You put children in cages."
He's like, "Oh, yeah, I've been so naughty.
I've been a bad boy."
"Are you making this sexual? What is wrong with you?"
"Spank me, Santa. Spank me with the naughty list."
"Ho-Ho-Ho-Hold up, hold up."
But because Trump's not gonna get his wall from Santa,
he only has one other option:
negotiate with the Democrats.
REPORTER: President Trump clashing with Nancy Pelosi
and Chuck Schumer over border security
during an explosive sit-down.
REPORTER 2: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer,
together with the president,
clashed big-time over border wall funding.
With a December 21 deadline to avoid a government shutdown,
the clock is ticking.
The clock is ticking and you send in Donald Trump?
Why would you send Donald Trump in to defuse a bomb?
He's gonna make it worse. He'll be like,
"There are 270 seconds left on the countdown,
"just like the 270 votes I got
"in my tremendous electoral col-- Did I tell you
"about the time when it h-- don't worry about this--
"Let me tell you about the time.
They said I couldn't do it, folks."
But, yes,
Trump is demanding $5 billion for a border wall.
And as you can imagine, Democrats would rather release
Obama's original Kenyan birth certificate
than give Trump that wall money,
which is why this meeting turned into an absolute mess.
You want to shut it down. You keep talking about it.
-The last time, Chuck, you shut it down. -No, no, no.
-And then you opened it up very quickly. -20 times.
-20 ti... -And I don't want to do what you did.
You have the votes. You should pass it right now.
No, we don't have the votes, Nancy. Because, in the Senate,
-we need 60 votes, -No, no, but in the House.
-and we don't have it. -You could bring it up right now.
Yeah, but I can't-- Excuse me.
Not threaten to shut down the government,
'cause you-- Let me just finish. 'Cause you can't get your way.
If-if we have border security. If we don't have
border security, Chuck, we're not gonna keep it open.
-I'm with you. -You just said it is effective.
-Can I be-- can I tell you something? -Yeah.
-You just said it's effective. -Without a wall...
House Democrats who just won a big victory.
-Elections have consequences, Mr. President. -That's right.
That's right. And that's why the country's doing so well.
You can do border security without a wall,
which is wasteful and doesn't solve the problem.
-It totally solves the problem. -Again, but I don't want...
We've gained in the Senate. Nancy, we've gained
in the Senate. Excuse me, did we win the Senate?
-We won the Senate. -When the president brags
that he won North Dakota and Indiana, he's in real trouble.
-Okay. Okay. -(gasping, laughter)
Why does Chuck Schumer keep talking to the camera?
They're having an argument,
and he's like a character in an episode of The Office.
He's like, "Now, the president is doing this right now."
(laughter)
But honestly, watching these three go at it for 20 minutes--
it felt like being in the TV room of a nursing home.
It was just old people fighting.
"It's my turn with the remote!
You had the remote yesterday!"
"I don't like Rachael Ray!
She's too ethnic. Give me the remote!"
And my favorite part of this awkward threesome was...
-Mike Pence. -(laughter)
Because you might not have even noticed him,
'cause he didn't say a word the entire time.
He just sat there motionless,
like a guy whose edibles just kicked in.
He was just like...
(laughter)
I mean, like, you got to wonder
what he was thinking about while everyone was arguing.
He was probably just daydreaming about-- I don't know--
whatever it is that Mike Pence daydreams about.
-The-the... the American... -We're gonna keep it open
if we have border security. If we don't have border security...
(indistinct speech)
♪ Do, do-do-do, do, do, do, do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Do, do-do-do, do, do. ♪
Yeah, that seems about right, seems about right.
Anyway, this meeting went on for a while, and by the end,
they hadn't come any closer to an agreement.
And the reason there was so much bickering
wasn't just the wall, right?
It's that if they don't agree on a government funding bill,
it could lead to a partial government shutdown, right,
which would mean things like the FBA...
uh, the FDA would stop inspecting food plants, right.
The SEC would halt new investigations.
And hundreds of thousands
of government workers wouldn't get paid.
Like, everything from the FBI agents
all the way to the TSA.
Yeah, and if the TSA doesn't get paid,
that might put them in a bad mood.
Yeah, that's right. You've been seeing them in a good mood.
Whenever you're at the airport,
that's them in, like, a really...
Like, if they're in a bad mood, they're gonna be like,
"Hey, do you have a gun on you?" And you'll be like, "No."
And they'll be like, "Here, take this one!”
(laughter)
So, needless to say,
no politician wants to take the blame for a government shutdown,
but Donald Trump is not a politician.
-Donald Trump is a moron. -(laughter)
We do not want to shut down government.
We want to come to an agreement.
We're coming in, in good faith, to negotiate with you
-about how we can keep the government... -Open.
-We disagree. -Tell you what.
I am proud to shut down the government
for border security, Chuck,
because the people of this country don't want criminals
and people that have lots of problems
and drugs pouring into our country.
So I will take the mantle.
I will be the one to shut it down.
I'm not gonna blame you for it.
The last time you shut it down, it didn't work.
-I will take the mantle of shutting down. -Good.
I don't know if you realize how monumental this moment is.
Donald Trump just agreed to take blame for something.
(laughter)
This is the same guy who keeps Mike Pence around
just to blame farts on, you realize that, right?
Trump is running around eating hard boiled eggs like,
"Ew, gross, Mike. You have a problem."
"Yes, sir, I'm disgusting."
So today... today, I'm proud of President Trump,
because taking blame shows some personal growth on his part.
Although, if we're being honest, he probably just thinks
that if the government shuts down,
there'll be nobody there to impeach him,
which is the second thing he asked Santa for.