-Thanks, everyone.
I -- I...I spend...
what I would call an inordinate amount of time on the Internet,
doing really stupid things.
Doing things that I'm n-- like replying to e-mails
that are not necessarily meant for me.
[ Laughter ]
I -- I have, uh -- I have veitch@domain.com
for my e-mail address. And what that means is that,
if someone misses off the initial,
I get the e-mail. So, I get a lot of e-mails
for Veitchs who, I have no idea who they are.
I got an e-mail that was addressed
to Alan and Deb Veitch.
I have literally no idea who these people are.
But it said "Please review the cash estimate."
And it was from a -- It was a company --
It was a swimming-pool company.
A guy called, basically, Lex...
runs a company called Relex Pools.
[ Laughter ]
And the pool was 102 LF, right?
And I thought -- I thought I'd test the water, so to speak...
[ Light laughter ]
...and I said, "Look, what does LF, uh --
What does LF stand for?"
And...
they got back in touch.
And they said, "LF stands for 'linear feet.'"
Janice...
[ Laughter ]
...did not seem to mind or notice
the fact that I was neither Alan nor Deb.
[ Laughter ]
I thought, "That's interesting."
She said, "See attached plans."
Now, she attached these plans of the proposed swimming pool.
So, basically, you guys, you've got, here --
You've got the, uh...
[ Light laughter ]
We've got the neighboring houses, some foliage,
and up at the top left we've got this --
Alan and Deb's house.
[ Light laughter ]
And then, that's the proposed pool.
[ Light laughter ]
And I want to be very clear about this, guys --
you should never reply to an e-mail that's not meant for you.
[ Light laughter ]
You shouldn't do it. -Why?
-Because you should just delete the e-mail,
let the people know they've made a terrible mistake.
However...
looking at that...
I don't know about you, but to me...
I just didn't think Alan and Deb were gonna be happy with that.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I said "Janice, I'm gonna be frank..."
[ Laughter ]
"...I'm unhappy with the size of the pool."
[ Laughter ]
"Mr. Veitch, it's not legal to build on private property.
The pool is as large as it can be
without encroaching on your neighbor's property."
I said, "Old Man McPhearson?"
[ Laughter ]
"He won't mind."
I said, "We're still skimping on the size of the pool.
I don't want people to come around and be like,
'Where's the pool?'"
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Balls on the line, Janice."
[ Laughter ]
"It needs to be larger."
She said, "How much larger?"
I said, "Boom."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"That is not possible."
No [bleep], Janice.
"We cannot build that close to the property."
"Well, if the property is a problem,
I'll take out the property."
[ Laughter ]
I'll be honest -- I thought, based upon that,
that she would know that I was joking.
[ Light laughter ]
"Where will you live?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I said, "Boom."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-James Veitch.
Look out for his comedy special later this year.