>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM VERY EXCITED TO SAY
MY NEXT GUEST IS A STANDUP COMEDIAN WHO HAS BEEN DELIGHTING
AUDIENCES FOR 45 YEARS. HE HAS JUST WRITTEN HIS FIRST
NOVEL. PLEASE WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW," STEVEN WRIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON.
>> Steven: THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: LONGTIME FAN. >> Steven: THINK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: WHEN I WAS JUST STARTING OUT TOURING AROUND THE
COUNTRY AND THERE WAS NOBODY MORE EXCITING TO KNOW THAT I WAS
GOING TO TO A CLUB OR SCHOOL OR SOMETHING AND YOU HAD JUST BEEN
THERE, I WOULD THINK, THIS IS A GREAT GIG.
STEVEN WRIGHT WAS JUST HERE. YOU ARE MY STANDARD THAT I WAS
IN THE RIGHT PLACE. IF I WAS PLAYING SOMEPLACE YOU
HAD BEEN PAID MAINLY VERY EXCITED THAT YOU'RE JUST PLAYING
THERE. >> Steven: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. >> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> Steven: YOU'RE JUST DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
IT'S FANTASTIC. >> Stephen: IT IS.
I ONLY HAVE A FEW LEFT BUT A 7 MILLION STEVEN WRIGHTS IN MY
HEAD, ONE-LINERS, THE ONE THAT STICKS WITH EVERYBODY STILL IS
"IT'S A SMALL WORLD BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO PAINT IT."
YEAH. >> Steven: THEY JUST COME INTO
MY HEAD, YOU KNOW. STEPHEN, HOW DO YOU LIKE
SPELLING STEPHEN WITH A pH? >> Stephen: YOU WANT TO GET
INTO THAT? I KNOW YOU'RE A VEGAN.
I WAS GOING TO BE RUDE ABOUT IT. THERE'S ONE CORRECT WAY TO SPELL
STEPHEN INSTANTLY ST. STEPHEN SPELLS HIS NAME.
IT IS pH, NOT V, AND I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.
>> Steven: THE SAINT MISSPELLED IT.
>> Stephen: BUT JESUS FORGAVE HIM BECAUSE HE WAS A SAINT.
>> Steven: BUT YOU HAVE AN EXTRA LETTER.
IT'S BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT. >> Stephen: IT WASTES INC.?
>> Steven: LIFE IS SO SHORT. YOU HAVE THIS EXTRA TIME IN YOUR
SPELLING YOUR NAME. THINK OF THE CUMULATIVE --
ANYWAY. >> Stephen: THIS IS LATE NIGHT
TV. FOR THOSE OF YOU OUT THERE WHO
DIDN'T KNOW, IN CASE YOU'RE WATCHING THIS ON YOUTUBE OR
SOMETHING, WE ACTUALLY RECORD OF THIS VERY NIGHT.
AND YOU HAVE A TREMENDOUS HISTORY WITH LATE-NIGHT TV.
19 INTO, YOU'RE ON JOHNNY CARSON FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
[APPLAUSE] GET A SHOT OF THAT, JIM.
THIS WAS BEFORE THEY INVENTED FOCUSING CAMERAS.
>> Steven: [LAUGHS] >> Stephen: CAN YOU SHARE THE
STORY QUESTION WHY PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND CARSON WAS SO BIG, IT
WOULD CHANGE IN COMICS LIFE IN A SINGLE NIGHT.
>> Steven: YEAH. VERY FORTUNATE.
I STARTED OUT IN BOSTON AND THERE WAS A CLUB IN CAMBRIDGE.
HALF CHINESE RESTAURANT, HALF COMEDY CLUB CALLED THE DING HO
COMEDY CLUB. IT WAS, THIS IS TRUE.
SOMEONE WROTE AN ARTICLE ABOUT IT FREELANCE CLIENT WAS IN THE
"L.A. TIMES." I DON'T KNOW WHY WAS IN THE
"L.A. TIMES." AND SOMEONE FROM
"THE TONIGHT SHOW," HE READ IT IN EIGHT MONTHS LATER HE WAS IN
BOSTON HE REMEMBERED THE CLUB. HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO GO AND
WATCH SOME COMEDIANS WE WENT IN AND I WAS ONE OF THE COMEDIANS.
THREE WEEKS LAER I WAS ON. IT'S A SERIES OF ACCIDENTS.
WHY WAS IT A HALF CHINESE RESTAURANT COMEDY CLUB?
>> Stephen: IT GOT SOMEONE'S ATTENTION.
>> Steven: YES. WHY DID HE WRITE AN ARTICLE?
WHY DID GO IN THE "L.A. TIMES" QUESTION WHY?
PETER SEES IT, HIS KID IS GOING TO GO TO COLLEGE SO HE GOES TO
MASSACHUSETTS TO LOOK AT COLLEGES IN THE SUMMER.
I'VE BEEN VERY FORTUNATE. A LOT OF LUCKY THINGS HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: YOU SAID WHY A LOT OF TIMES.
I HAVE YOUR THOUGHT ABOUT WHY QUESTION WHAT YOU THINK THERE'S
A PATTERN IN YOUR LIFE? >> Steven: WHY I SAY WHY?
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHY? EVERY THOUGHT ABOUT WHILE THAT
HAPPENED? DO YOU THINK THE LORD HAS A PLAN
FOR STEVEN WRIGHT? >> Steven: NO.
NO. [LAUGHS]
>> Stephen: NOT THAT YOU KNOW OF.
>> Steven: NOT THAT I KNOW OF. >> Stephen: WOULD YOU WANT TO
KNOW IF THE LORD HAD A PLAN FOR YOU?
>> Steven: OH, MY GOD, NO. >> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR
PROCESS FOR WRITING JOKES? ARE THEY ALWAYS SORT OF COMING
IN OR DO YOU SIT DOWN, I'M GOING TO WRITE FOR A COUPLE HOURS?
>> Steven: WHAT I DO IS I DRINK COFFEE.
ARE YOU A COFFEE DRINKER? >> Stephen: I'M A COFFEE
ACHIEVER. >> Steven: I THINK COFFEE IS
ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING ALIVE.
>> Stephen: SURE. [APPLAUSE]
TO THE TURKS. >> Steven: YES.
TO THE TURKS. I MEAN, MY MIND GOES CRAZY ON
COFFEE. SO I DO IS I EXERCISED THE
MORNING AND THEN I GO SOMEWHERE AND I DRINK COFFEE.
AND THEN I JUST, I'M LIKE A RECEPTIONIST FOR MY MIND.
I JUST WRITE DOWN THINGS TO COME INTO MY HEAD.
JOKES, WHATEVER THEY ARE. I JUST WRITE JOKES.
MAY I TELL YOU A JOKE FROM THE OTHER DAY?
>> Stephen: I WOULD BE VERY GRATEFUL.
>> Steven: MY FRIEND JIMMY BOUGHT AN ELECTRIC CAR.
HE WAS VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT AND HE BOUGHT AN ELECTRIC BLANKET
AND ELECTRIC GUITAR AND AN ELECTRIC CHAIR.
I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM. [LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: SAD STORY.
IT'S KIND OF A SAD STORY OF ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
>> Steven: WAS FROM COFFEE. >> Stephen: COFFEE DO THAT?
>> Steven: I WAS JUST SITTING THERE.
>> Stephen: DID COFFEE HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WRITING THIS
BOOK? >> Steven: YES.
>> Stephen: THE BOOK IS CALLED "HAROLD."
YOU'VE BEEN DOING STANDARD FOR 45 YEARS BUT THIS IS YOUR FIRST
BOOK. WHY A BOOK NOW?
BECAUSE YOU JUST RECENTLY LEARN TO READ?
>> Steven: [LAUGHS] IT WAS JUST RANKING THE COFFEE
ONE DAY. I WROTE DOWN FOR NO REASON,
HAROLD WAS IN THIRD GRADE. AND THEN A FEW DAYS LATER MORE
AND MORE AND MORE. NOT INTENDING TO WRITE A BOOK.
JUST DRINKING THE COFFEE. IT KEPT GOING AND GOING AND
GOING AND GOING. I THOUGHT WELL, MAYBE THIS COULD
ACTUALLY BE A BOOK. AND THEN I THOUGHT I KNOW WHAT I
CAN DO. I CAN PUT A FUNNEL ON HAROLD'S
HEAD. I CAN PUT INTO HIS HEAD THINGS I
THINK ABOUT LIFE THAT COULD NEVER BE SAID DURING A STAND UP
THING BECAUSE YOU KNOW, IT'S THE JOKE.
I PUT THINGS I THINK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND RELIGION AND
GOD AND BIRDS. >> Stephen: RELATIONSHIP,
RELIGION, GOD AND BIRDS. THAT'S A NICE COMBO ACTUALLY.
>> Steven: IN THAT ORDER. HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS
GRANDFATHER AND HIS GRANDFATHER WOULD TELL HIM PHILOSOPHICAL
THINGS LIKE THE PRESIDENT IS THE PAST FACTORY.
YOU TELL HIM JESUS LOVES -- >> Stephen: THE PRESENT IS A
PAST FACTORY. 11.
>> Steven: JESUS LOVES YOU BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW YOU.
[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: [LAUGHS]
[COUGHING] >> Steven: HE POINTS OUT THAT
YOUR TEETH ARE THE ONLY PART OF YOUR SKULL THAT YOU CAN SEE
WHILE YOU'RE STILL ALIVE. YOUR TEETH ARE LIKE A PREVIEW OF
YOUR SKELETON. FOR INSTANCE, YOU PROBABLY WILL
HAVE A GREAT SET OF TEETH, YOU HAVE A GREAT SKELETON.
YOU PROBABLY GET THAT ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY "I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU
>> Steven: [LAUGHS] >> Stephen: I ASSUME YOU DID
THE AUDIOBOOK TOO. >> Steven: YES, BOOK ON TAPE.
THEY HAD ME READ IT AND I READ IT.
IT'S THE ONLY TIME I EVER READ THE BOOK ACTUALLY.
>> Stephen: IT'S HARDER THAN PEOPLE THINK.
IT'S A LOT OF WORK. >> Steven: IT TOOK A LONG TI
TIME. SOMETIMES I LIKE TO READ MUSIC
AND LISTEN TO BOOKS ON TAPE. [LAUGHTER]
>> Stephen: IS THERE GOING TO BE ANOTHER BOOK OR IS THIS IT?
>> Steven: I DON'T KNOW IF THERE WILL BE ANOTHER ONE.
PROBABLY. I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T SEEM THAT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
>> Steven: WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
I HAVE NO PLAN REALLY. I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO CALL
IT, THOUGH. >> Stephen: WHAT?
>> Steven: "PEYOTE AND THE ADVERTISING BUSINESS."
>> Stephen: I'D READ THAT. I'D READ THAT.
STEVEN WRIGHT, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> Steven: THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU. "HAROLD" IS ON SALE NOW.
STEVEN WRIGHT, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.