Are you getting ready to leave a narcissist, or maybe you want to but you just don't know
how to mentally prepare to do that. In this interview with Melanie Tonia Evans, you're
going to find out exactly how to mentally prepare to leave a narcissist.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, top 1% attorney and the bestselling author of the book Negotiate
Like You M.A.T.T.E.R., and Breaking Free, a step-by-step divorce guide. I've helped
thousands of people, maybe even millions at this point, go from lives of drama, trauma
and chaos, to step into lives of freedom, possibility, and purpose.
I do the same thing for you right here in these videos, so if you haven't subscribed
to my channel now is a great time to do that. Subscribe and hit that notification bell.
And without further ado, let's dive into part one of my interview with Melanie Tonia Evans.
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Negotiate Your Best Life. I am so crazy excited today
to welcome Melanie Tonia Evans to our show. She is absolutely a force of nature. She is
a global narcissistic abuse recovery expert and the creator of the quantum freedom healing
method and the narcissistic abuse recovery program, NARP. Just NARP, we'll call it NARP.
Her leading-edge healing methods have helped thousands of people. They've made astounding
recoveries. Her work has touched the lives of 15 million people in a hundred countries.
Absolutely stunning. It's recommended by doctors, psychologists, therapists, people from all
over the world. In 2018, she released her first book, You Can Thrive After Narcissistic
Abuse, the number one system for recovering from toxic relationships. It became an Amazon
bestseller. It's been translated into multiple languages.
She has a background in kinesiology, energy healing, and in 2019 won the Personality of
the Year award from Kindred Spirits. She is devoted. She is incredible. She is a force
of nature and she has dedicated her life to personal empowerment and helping people to
learn to love themselves and heal after being abused by a narcissist. So welcome, welcome,
welcome Melanie. Rebecca, it's such a joy to be here. It really
is. Thank you. I'm so excited to talk to you because
we're both in this world. We're both dealing with people who are dealing with narcissists
but in different ways. Our work really complements each other so much. So I wanted to ask you,
first of all, how did you get into this? Tell us about your background, your history.
So Rebecca, I had no idea I was going to grow up and be a narcissistic abuse recovery global
expert at all. So how I got into it was I married one. I'd been into personal development
and coaching and lots of things. I really thought I'd worked on myself and I'd hit the
jackpot and married this beautiful man that was spiritual, and he was everything I've
ever, ever wanted. And I was getting into something that I've never experienced before.
You know, I loved him with all of my heart, but there was things like jealousy. The red
flags were huge. He would look me straight in the eye and he would lie and I would believe
him. But anyway, as it went on, there was certain things. Before we got married, I discovered
he was already married and not divorced. Oh, no, you're kidding.
Yes. That was a little bit of a shock. This was after we'd set a wedding date. So he got
the divorce. Then he apparently had a melanoma cancer that was a stage four. It was a hoax,
and it was all about control. He would rage and he would be jealous, and then he would
say, "It's because of my cancer." But he didn't actually have cancer?
No, he didn't have cancer. So there was lots of things. It ended up being mentally, emotionally,
physically, sexually an incredibly abusive relationship. I tolerated things that I never
believed. I remembered watching Sleeping with the Enemy, that movie.
I remember that, yeah. With Julia Roberts? That happened to me, and it happened to me
on steroids. No way. Oh my gosh. That movie still gives
me the chills when I think about it. Well, that's what I was referring to. I ended
up being very, very sick. I had complicated post traumatic stress disorder. I was addicted
to him like somebody to heroin. It shocked me that he was abusing me so badly, but yet
I couldn't stay away. I couldn't live with or without him, I was on and off suicidal.
I had, at that point, realized he was a narcissist. And I was seeing-
How did you come to realize that? Rebecca, in the weirdest way. I was driving
to an escape haven that I had, and a voice in my head said, "Look up narcissist." I'm
not kidding. The universe was taking care of you.
I Googled it. I was ticking off the points and I nearly fell off my chair. There was
no missing it. So I sought out a personality disorder specialist, and this was chilling
too, because the woman that was going into her appointments before me every week was
pregnant to a narcissist and he's last three girlfriends had all committed suicide.
Wow. How about that? Yeah, and anyway.
Oh God, that's quite a path of destruction. Absolutely. And this specialist, she said
to me, "These are the only things that are going to come out of it." Because I was hooked,
I was addicted. She said, "Either he's going to kill you, you're going to kill him, you're
going to end up with a terminal disease that will take you out because you're so sick or
you're going to have a complete psychotic breakdown."
Now there were times I'd get away. This went on for a couple of years, and eventually I
did. I had a complete psychotic breakdown. And I remember when she told me that I thought,
"What does that look like? You know, like right now I can't sleep. I have nightmares.
I have adrenaline surges. I shake. I sweat. I haven't eaten for six months. Have I had
a psychotic breakdown?" No, I had complicated post traumatic stress disorder and acrophobia
and all sorts of things. But when I had the breakdown, there was no
missing it. It was almost like by remote, I'm like, "Okay, my brain has snapped." There
was no missing it. I knew exactly what it meant. I got rushed off. I got taken into
emergency. They took me through. I'd had a complete adrenal psychotic crash. I had absolute
psychotic visions that would not stop with my eyes were opened or closed. My adrenals
were through the roof. I was told that I could have a stroke or a heart attack at any moment.
Things were that bad. Oh my God.
I was put on Valium. I went home on suicide watch because things were that bad. Well,
my diagnosis was that I would need probably three anti-psychotics for the rest of my life.
That was after tests and things came back, and that I may need to be institutionalized.
And I was told point blank, "You will never again function as normal. You won't. It will
be impossible." That was my diagnosis. How long ago was this?
Hey? How long ago was this?
12 years now. Wow. Oh, that's not all that long ago.
No, no, no. And look, 18 months after that I was better than I'd ever been in my entire
life. But anyway, so really I wanted to die. I thought I wanted out. It was game over for
me. You know, like I'd always been a successful type A personality who could make anything
in my life work, which is a lot of narcissistic abuse victims. And now it was game over. So
what happened was another voice in my head kept saying, "No, no, no. There's another
way." I argued with it. And to cut a long story
short, I ended up falling on my bathroom floor. I put my arms up wrestling with this voice
in my head and I just screamed, "Help me. I can't do this anymore." And at that moment
I had this massive epiphany. It was like all of the victim got sucked out, a huge light
came in, and I saw the truth, that this was about a soul evolution. This actually wasn't
to do with him. He was a catalyst reflecting back to me, what
I'd always avoided and what I hadn't claimed yet. And how I handed my power away and how
I hadn't been sovereign or loving to myself or truthful to me. All these things. So it
wasn't about judging myself. It was like this massive epiphany. Oh my God. And then in a
vision, and maybe Rebecca you've got to be completely out of your mind to get the truth.
Maybe you do. And I had the truth like I've never had it. I got catapulted into the future
in a vision, and I saw and felt myself as I am today, as I was 18 months after that
experience where I felt whole, empowered, safe, fearless, confident, authentic. And
I'd never felt that ever in my lifetime. Ever. Your soul. Your soul needed to sing. I always
tell people it's like a sole decision. I always think of Why the Caged Bird Sings with Maya
Angelou. It's like no matter how caged you are, that's soul is coming through. And that's
what happened to you. And was soul just went, "This is it." And
then I got snapped back into being emaciated, because I was only 80 pounds. I hadn't eaten.
Oh my God. You know, this emaciated, shaking, racked,
traumatized, finished body. And the voice said to me, "You have a choice. That's your
future if you choose this mission." And I thought it was only for me, but what I'd understood
was that I've been trying, I've been doing therapy for decades. I'd read every book.
I've researched everything about narcissism, dah, dah, dah. But what I got in the vision
was there is a way to heal cellularly in your DNA from the inside out, and that's the journey
you're going on. So I signed up for the journey and it didn't
mean that I was healed or I was recovered. It just meant I had hope, and I had a path
forward, and I was guided. So the long and the short, I ended up talking my way out of
the medical professional diagnoses and drugs, which in itself was a miracle. And then I
went forward discovering ways to cellularly, within my being, my subconscious programs,
within my visceral emotional somatic self, to release trauma, bringing source, which
is God, which is our higher power and higher consciousness, to anchor in a true self and
operate in a true way. So what happened as a result of that? There
was a very vengeful... I was married to a very vengeful, destructive man who wanted
to take me out. If he couldn't have me, I couldn't be in life as far as he was concerned.
Yeah. I've seen that. The worst malignant narcissist.
He really was, and I lost everything. So it wasn't like there was anything more he could
get. But he had my soul in a stranglehold, crushing it. And I was able to stop, through
my initiative stop all of his attacks, all of his everything, flying monkeys, all of
the abuses by proxy, everything. He got caught out. It dissolved away. It was almost like
before then I was like a child in a cupboard, terrified to come out because I'd be beaten.
And I came out of that cupboard, bit by bit by bit, as this sovereign empowered being
that shone a light so powerfully it dissolved all of his attempts to do anything. And I
found a me I'd never known. What a beautiful analogy. I love that analogy.
You come out swinging. Because I always say the narcissist is actually this most scared
little person on the planet. The biggest secret that's not so secret is that you're the stronger
one. So it's almost like by coming out and shining that light his power was diminished
and eradicated. Absolutely. A false self is no match for true
self. It's the analogy of a vampire. They will suck your life force until you become
a light and then they will scamper off into the shadows. They cannot stand it. They cannot
be in the presence of a true self. Oh, I love that quote! A false self is no
match for a true self. That's very true.
What a beautiful, beautiful quote. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. So talk about your
NARP program, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. How does it help people prepare for
negotiations, for court battles with the narcissist? How does it help?
Well, it's all about that premise that a true self is always going to defeat a false self.
Because what happens, Rebecca, as you would know, when people are going into court battles
with a narcissist, is they are so traumatized. They're like I was, that little kid in the
cupboard. You are so in fear. You are having the most awful threats that are hitting your
primal terrors. Losing your children. Losing your security. Losing your house. Losing your
money. Losing your life. Those are the things that narcissists prey on and smash within
you. So then you end up terrified and capitulating, losing all of your rights.
And there are so many people, Rebecca, in that place. Even if they walk away with nothing,
even if they lose horribly, they still don't escape the horror show. The narcissist will
still keep controlling and hurting them. Or the beast is still living on inside of you,
even if you never hear from that person again. Yeah. I mean a lot of times they're dealing
with such trauma bonding and their brain is just like such scrambled eggs that they cannot
see their way to even get on the other side of it. They just think that the other side's
always going to win. They're always going to get what they want. There's nothing they
can do to get beyond that. Absolutely. And, as you say, there's nothing
you can do. That's the powerlessness and the helplessness that is so consistent with narcissistic
abuse. That's why so many people, Rebecca, you would have heard it time and time again,
where they say, "You cannot beat a narcissist in litigation. You cannot win. They're going
to always take everything." But it's not true. No, it's not true. I've beat them many, many
times. Many times. More often than not. You just have to know how to go ahead and do that.
Thanks so much for watching this part one of my conversation with the incredible Melanie
Tonia Evans. If you haven't subscribed to my channel, go ahead and do that now. Subscribe
and hit that notification bell. And also if you like this video, give it a like, give
it a share, drop me a comment. Let me know that you were here.
And if you are getting ready to negotiate with the narcissist, grab my free Crush My
Negotiation worksheet at the link or at winmynegotiation.com. If you haven't joined my private Facebook
group, come on over and join us in that. There's lots of people giving each other tons of support.
So you can just join that at the link below as well.
Thanks so much for joining me. I'll see you in part two of this interview. Remember today's
a great day for negotiating your best life. (music)