hey what's going on youtube this is your certified life and relationship coach coach court
and in today's video i want to talk to you about the first 90 days with a dismissive avoidant
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thank you in today's video i want to talk to you about the first 90 days with a dismissive avoidant
some of the things that you'll see some of the things that you should be looking out for
because usually those red flags are always there but for some reason it gets hidden
behind that honeymoon phase the first 90 days they can look like somebody that are
secure or maybe even anxious they'll be giving you promises about the future
maybe talking about marriage and saying statements like this is this is something i've
never experienced before you may be the one for me um talking about marriage talking about kids
moving in together you know the whole nine yards you know i was coaching a couple clients and
you know it's kind of specific examples they would say that their dismissive avoidant seemed like uh
somebody that was really secure and they were actually pursuing them so this is kind of what
made them get upset and leave scratching their head like what in the world happened because
this person was running after me they pursued me i didn't even want to be with them at first they
came after me very hardcore so they're a little bit flustered and severely hurt by that person
kind of you know pulling back and disappearing on them or becoming their emotional unavailable self
so this is something that you usually see you know intimacy will be there you know some of the
things that go on as far as like in the bedroom or the romance that'll be there that'll be
kind of in full swing and they really give you the trial version of the relationship but what the
relationship could be you know because we fall in love with the potential within the first 90 days
the example that i like to use is the trial membership of the relationship what that looks
like is during the trial membership you get all the perks of the relationship you get all the
intimacy you get all the love bombing you get all of the perks of being in a really healthy
and happy relationship but when you subscribe to that person aka when you decide to become
exclusive or give them a relationship that's when they start to pull away all of the trial uh
perks that you once had you know that's when the closeness starts to fade you know the good morning
text the initiating contact they start to fade and all of these things can be cloaked they can be
hid behind you know the honeymoon phase because when you're in a honeymoon phase you have these
this rush of endorphins oxytocins that come to your brain and oxytocin is the
bonding chemical in your brain now i'm not a therapist this is something that i've learned
over time these are things that um i study you know myself my degree was in sociology
and i took a couple psychology classes so these are something that um you know i'm not licensed
in but this is just stuff i know you know i just want to pass that to you so there's this
rush that happened in their brain it almost like what i've learned is it's almost like a
the equivalent to being on a drug like heroin or cocaine because you
your brain is really being altered and you're just having a rush of those feel good hormones
when a trial version ends though and you decide to commit to that person that's when they'll start to
pull away everything that they once were giving you and you get really bent out of shape upset
you feel duped you feel like everything was a complete sham and false you want you actually uh
wonder like what's this thing that i was in even real and i could tell you that it really was real
it's just that when you got too close for comfort they decided to put their walls up
and protect themselves you kind of flew too close to the sun and you got your wings clipped
there's a notion about the first 90 days that a relationship is when relationships usually fall
apart and they fail you start to see these things you know like covid right now the mask is on
but when you get home the mask comes off once that 90 days and this can go up to six
months once you get to six months there's no way unless you're completely blind or you just com
you're turning a blind eye to some of the things that are going on you should know that some of
those things that they're doing are very unhealthy as far as communication wise as far as the level
of intimacy and closeness that they refuse to give you so i'm going to help you out i'm going
to give you a few things that you really should be looking out for throughout the first six months
of the relationship the first thing is do they make a lot of excuses for why they can't hang out
so if you're planning on having some type of meetup or hangout session are they canceling dates
because they had work that came up or they had a previous engagement with a friend or a family
member and these were things that didn't matter when you guys first started talking then
that's something that you really should take into consideration like really think about that
because people if they're really in love with you and they really want to make this
relationship work they will put a lot of the things that were priorities first on
the back burner for you like you you move up the ladder one thing that i've learned was
when dismissive people get into relationships they kind of move they rapidly move down the ladder of
priorities because it's kind of like all right i have my home life in order i have my girl i have
my boyfriend i don't have to put a whole lot of energy into that that area of my life i need to
go out and get into my purpose again and start to you know kind of get back into my hobbies and my
friends like now that i have that that's in order they kind of see it it's like you don't have to
put a whole lot of energy into that because you know i'm your girl you know i'm your guy i don't
know why we need to you know constantly be in communication or constantly meet up or hang out
with each other it's not something that should need to happen it should be easy flowing if they
struggle to upload pictures of you on their social media or post some of the things that you do on
dates on social media that could be a red flag now it may not be because some people are very private
there's still a lot of people out there that don't want to post any personal things on their social
media accounts they don't want to make that public so that's why i said it could be a red flag but
when it comes to women though they like to show off their men they tend to operate from their
emotions and if they're feeling emotionally high and elated they'll post you on their social media
just kind of show everybody that hey look at this amazing man that i'm with another
thing to be mindful about is they fear being vulnerable as far as talking about their exes or
some of the things that they've experienced throughout childhood they really keep that private
they don't like to share those type of things because it feels uncomfortable and it gives you
a little glimpse into how their mind works so they won't even do it they won't even bother to
go into those conversations because some of it was really dramatic and some of it is uh
making them feel and forcing them to bring those feelings to the forefront and they don't want to
do that so they would much rather have this fun light superficial experience instead of going
really deep into some of the things that kind of formed them and made them who they are because it
just feels a little bit too painful and it makes them look weak and they don't like showing their
weaknesses they're kind of black and white in some of the ways that they think and i think
this has a lot to do with the way that they had to fend for themselves it's either my way or the
highway so when somebody comes in and challenges their ways of thinking and some of the things that
they feel is their truths so if you found this video of any value please like comment
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