Look, if you’re gonna start a week of anything…what better way to do it, than with a little Michelle
Pfeiffer?
And yes, by “little,” I mean…very little, she’s barely even in this game.
Not a great choice, Batman Returns for the Atari Lynx.
Good choice to start Lynx Week, though.
Batman Returns was released in 1992 for basically every possible device that played video games.
And it was like a conspiracy, ‘cause everyone was in on it.
It had 3 different publishers, 13 different designers…see, ‘cause if everyone’s
involved, you can’t blame anyone.
It’s like the fanny pack in the 90s.
Can’t point the finger, when your wallet’s on your hip.
Anyway, they developed versions for the NES; the Super NES, a year later; SEGA got versions
for the Master System, the Genesis and the Game Gear; and it was also released for the
Amiga, because you’re not gonna not tap into that Amiga market…as well as the Atari
Lynx.
Now, I haven’t played all of those games, I don’t hate myself that much…but I have
played the Genesis version.
And I’ve got to tell you, this one’s not nearly as bad as the Genesis version.
This is, at the very least, not the worst Batman Returns.
Which isn’t much of an achievement, there’s about 37 Batman Returns.
Gotta track down that Amiga version.
Now, what’s interesting about the Lynx version…actually, there’s a lot interesting about this version.
See, it turns out…Atari was really high on Batman Returns.
So high, in fact, that they bundled it with the system for a while.
To Atari, this was like the showpiece, of the Atari Lynx.
Which is another…not, great choice.
But it wasn’t only that.
If you bought a Lynx, and you mailed Atari the proof of purchase…they would just send
you Batman Returns.
So whether by bundle or mailman, this game was basically free for everyone who had the
system.
What I don’t know, is whether this was just because they thought highly of Batman Returns…or
because they thought, “Oh, bat sh*t, no one’s buying the Lynx…”
“Maybe we should give them some free…Michelle Pfeiffer.”
Oh, wait.
That’s Danny DeVito.
There’s not great choices all over the place, with this damn thing.
And listen, I’ll be honest.
Game kind of sucks, right?
I mean, you guys read the Internet, this game kind of sucks.
It’s only got four levels, so it’s short…but it ends up being mercifully short, because
it’s also the hardest four levels ever.
Like, basically, if you stop running, you die.
It’s, like…Batman is Keanu Reeves in Speed, in this game.
Atari mixed up their movies.
The second you stop moving, you get accosted by enemies from all angles, who throw explosives
like it’s the fourth of July, and they’ve been drinking, since about 11:00 AM.
They throw dynamite; they roll bombs at you; buildings are rigged with explosives, happy
birthday, America.
I can’t tell if this is Gotham City or The White Sands Proving Ground.
That’s where we tested the first nuclear weapon.
See, you learn about history, on CGR Undertow.
History and… mental illness.
So the combat’s so weak, and the enemies are so frustrating, the gameplay just turns
into a runner.
Which, in a way, is actually kind of cool.
Even if it’s unintentional.
Even if Batman never runs, from anything.
But there’s kind of like a survival vibe to it, you know?
Like, am I going to make it, can I just get to that next health pickup?
Will I ever see Michelle Pfeiffer?
I’m telling you, I enjoyed this game, way more the Genesis version.
That’s not much of an achievement, but at least it’s something.
And to the game’s credit, it looks pretty great.
The commercial claimed it had 4,000 colors.
And I mean, I didn’t count, but…
I think that checks out, it looks pretty great.
Especially for a handheld game, and especially for that time.
In fact, that’s another thing we’ll learn here on Lynx week.
Presentation, graphics, sound…never a problem for these games.
Gameplay, that’s another bat story.
The Internet hates this game.
And I hate most games, so you’d think I’d be all over this damn thing.
But I don’t know what happened, I didn’t hate it.
Actually…I mean, there are things I hate about it.
Ie, it’s cheap as hell and you only have one life and your only defense is basically
to bend down to punch enemies in the dick.
See, the game says “eat.”
You don’t see the neon that’s burned out, that says “sh*t.”
“Eat sh*t,” is what Batman Returns is telling you.
But I kind of admire that.
And I really do like that “run for your goddamn life” gameplay, it could be its
own genre.
(Bloody Lynx with hand) It’s also…pretty good life advice, in general.
It’s Batman Returns, for the Atari Lynx.