The British royal family,
the only people who think chess is a representative game.
"Look, there's me. And there's you.
And there's the people who pay us."
(chuckles)
Yesterday marked Queen Elizabeth's
70th year on the throne,
making her the longest-serving monarch
in British history.
Which must be nice
for all of those people who've been shouting,
"Long live the queen!"
Yeah, 'cause now they can be like,
"Yeah, you see? We did that."
Now, as part of the anniversary observance,
the family has announced
that if and when Queen Elizabeth dies
and her son Charles becomes king,
his wife, Camilla,
will be crowned alongside him as queen.
And I don't know if you remember,
but when Camilla first started dating Charles,
people said that she could never be queen
because their relationship started as an affair.
So this is huge. This is a huge, huge deal.
And I also think it's the right move,
because can you imagine how awkward
it was gonna be otherwise
if every time Charles and Camilla walked in a room
and the royal announcer would be like,
"Presenting the king of England
and presenting, uh, his sidepiece?"
But while I'm sure the royals would love
to be focusing on the future of the family,
unfortunately, they've been forced
to deal with a scandal from their past.
You see, for decades,
Elizabeth's second son, Prince Andrew,
he was rolling deep with Jeffrey Epstein.
And after years of fighting allegations
that he had done anything wrong,
it looks like he's finally throwing in the towel.
NEWSMAN: Tonight, Prince Andrew
dramatically averting a court battle,
not admitting liability but not clearing his name.
Virginia Giuffre claims she was sexually assaulted by the prince
when she was 17 years old, trafficked by Epstein.
NEWSMAN 2: The 61-year-old prince
will pay his accuser, Virginia Giuffre,
a reported $10 million
and make a substantial donation
to her charity in support of victims' rights.
Of course, questions saying, is it Prince Andrew's money?
We know that he sold his Swiss ski chalet,
reputedly for about 18 million,
but many people saying the queen is helping to foot the bill.
Yeah, that's right. After years of fighting,
Prince Andrew has finally settled with Virginia Giuffre.
And although it's not perfect justice,
I mean, it is something. You know?
To be honest, I almost feel like this guy got off easy,
because, yeah, it is $10 million,
but you're from the royal family.
Think about it.
$10 million is, like, one jewel from one of their crowns.
And this has got to suck for the queen.
Like, imagine having to use the money that you earned
to-- I guess she didn't, like, earn it,
but, I mean, imagine, like, working hard your whole life--
Well, I mean, she doesn't really work.
Um, you-you get what I'm saying. You get what I'm saying.
The point is the queen didn't get into the royal business
to do stuff like this. Right?
She got into it to steal spices from India.
It's about that life.
And I can tell you now, this is probably where she misses
the days when she could just chop off people's heads.
You know? 'Cause, back in the day,
with this thing happening with Andrew,
the queen would have just been like,
"Andrew, I dropped my contact lens.
Would you bend down and pick it up?"
"Where, Mummy?" (chopping sound)
"10 million saved."
Oh, and, by the way, the next time your mom complains
about you asking her for rent money,
you should just show her this story and remind her
it could be way worse.
But let's move on.
If you're tired of the same old, same old dating app scene
where you swipe right on the cute guy,
he swindles you out of thousands of dollars,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, then good news--
Tinder is now offering a Blind Date feature on the app.
Yeah, because, usually, when you're scrolling through people,
you first see their picture, right?
And then you decide right away
whether you're too good-looking for them
or they're too good-looking for you.
But now Tinder is just gonna ask you questions.
And then what they're gonna do is they're gonna match you
with someone based on your responses.
Then you have a chat with them.
And then, if you both like each other,
Tinder will show you their pictures.
Which is great,
because if they stop talking to you at that point,
then you know immediately that you're ugly.
And, you know, it's so funny how tech companies
came out like, "They're the future.
They're gonna show us new things."
But then, as time goes on,
they seem to invent stuff that already exists.
Like blind dates-- "it's the future of dating."
No. People in the Middle Ages were like,
"All our dates are blind."
And, I'm sorry, but you can't really recreate blind dates
unless you also recreate the part where your mutual friend
tries to talk the other person up
whilst also avoiding their faults.
That's a key part of blind dates.
"Yeah, he's, like, super good at cooking
and he loves to read."
"Interesting. So, does he have a job?"
"As I said, he loves to read."
"Huh?"
I also have to mention
that this blind dating scheme that Tinder's running,
this is discriminatory towards hot, dumb, boring people.
You realize you're taking away their greatest asset.
People with good personalities--
they're gonna do fine in this situation.
They can meet people in person, they can charm them.
All some people have is a six-pack.
They don't even know that they have a six-pack
because they can't count that high.
All right, but let's move on
to a story coming from my home country--
South Africa.
Yeah, it's not the most creatively-named country,
but you always know where to find us.
It has been almost ten years
since the passing of South Africa's first
democratically-elected president, Nelson Mandela.
And for those of you who don't know,
Nelson Mandela was basically the Martin Luther King
of our Harriet Tubmans.
And everywhere you go in South Africa,
there are reminders of how great he is.
Like, there are statues, there are bridges named after him.
There's whole neighborhoods that bear his name.
But now, there's a new, fancier way
for people who want to celebrate his legacy.
The former home of Nelson Mandela is now a luxury hotel.
It's called "Sanctuary Mandela,"
and it was Mandela's first home in Johannesburg
after being released from 27 years in prison.
South Africa's first Black president lived there
for six years.
It now can host 18 guests, and 18 guests rather,
and is adorned with Mandela memorabilia.
Even Madiba's former cook is on staff there
helping to prepare meals.
Rooms range from $250 to as much as $1,000 a night.
Yeah, that's right.
Nelson Mandela's old house has been turned into a luxury hotel.
And I mean, I guess this is just the fate
of every historic building now, right?
'Cause if you think about it, half of the old buildings
around the world are now either a bank,
an Apple Store, or a CVS. That's it.
I wouldn't be shocked if in, like, a 100 years,
the White House is going to be turned into
Jeff Bezos' dog's weekend place.
Now, some people think that it doesn't make sense
for the home of the man who fought inequality
to be turned into a luxury hotel.
But it does. It actually does.
And it really does if you remember one
of Mandela's most famous quotes when he said,
"Do not judge me by the color of my skin,
"but rather judge me by the thread count
"of these Egyptian cotton sheets.
"Balling out of control.
Hey. Hey. Hey."
-It was a powerful speech. we cried that day. -(laughter)
We cried that day.
Also, you know, when you're staying
at the Nelson Mandela Hotel,
good luck fighting the minibar charges
that you think are unfair.
Just gonna be at the front desk like,
"Hi. Excuse me. I think I was unfairly charged
for a bag of pistachios."
Madame, let me tell you about unfair charges.
So, yeah. look, this is gonna come with its pros and its cons.
People are going to be for it and against it.
And I guess it will be good for the people who work there
and maybe some of the community.
But you got to admit, man, at the same time,
it does feel a little disrespectful for everything
that Nelson Mandela went through, you know?
Just gonna pay some money, and you can sleep in his house?
You know what he had to do to get to that house?
You know what they should do? They should-they should say
for every night that you stay in the hotel,
you should also have to spend the night
in an apartheid prison. Yeah.
Now you're getting the full experience.
You know, I actually hope that they do this
with African dictator homes, too. 'Cause, like, yeah,
Mandela had a nice house, but forget him, man.
African dictators-- those dudes lived lavish.
They should make that an experience. Can you imagine
soaking in Idi Amin's Jacuzzi?
Chilling on his giant couch? (whoops)
Dressing up in the skin of his enemies? Talk about a honeymoon.
You like this, baby?
All right, finally, let's move on to some news
from the world of religion.
Since we were young, many of us have been taught the same story.
Right? Be good, pray every day,
and you'll get into heaven.
What your grandmother probably didn't mention
is that a paperwork issue could send you to hell.
A Catholic priest in Arizona has resigned
because of a mistake the church says he's been making
for more than 20 years. During thousands of baptisms
he used the phrase "we baptize" instead of "I baptize."
The Vatican says that one word change makes
all the baptisms he performed invalid.
The priest has apologized and, again, resigned.
Wait, wait, I'm sorry, what?
All the baptisms are invalid because of one w--
no, one word?
This is, like, the worst thing I Catholic priest has ever done.
But for real, people, I cannot believe that the Vatican
is gonna say all of these baptisms--
all of them, like, what, 2,000 are invalid--
just because the priest said "we"
instead of "I."
Like, don't get me wrong, I'm glad to hear that
the Catholic Church cares about people's pronouns,
but this seems like a minor mistake to me.
You know, like, I would understand
if the priest accidentally cleansed their souls
in White Claw. That, I would get.
But this doesn't seem like a huge deal.
And what's gonna happen to all the people
who weren't actually baptized? What happens to them now, huh?
Are they gonna go to hell for someone else's mistake?
That's so unfair.
Everyone else who gets to go to hell
goes there because they got to have some fun first.
You know? Now they're all gonna be down in the fire pits like,
"Well, I'm being burned forever
"but it was worth it for the orgies! (laughs)
What are you in for, man?"
"My priest made a typo."
"Oh sure, whatever. (laughs)
"You probably killed some puppies or something,
you sick (bleep). Yo, let's torture this guy extra hard."
So, now-- Wait, sor-sorry, sorry, hold on.
I'm hearing from my producers that...
Well, that-that can't be right.
We have an interview with God Himself?
Is that even possible? How...
Uh, all right, can we-can we patch him in?
-♪ ♪ -Yeah, yeah, turn over that cable.
-Oh, my Lord. -Hey.
Hey, Trevor, it's me, God. God indeed, baby. How you been?
Well, this is amazing. God, thank you so much
-for joining me on the show. -Hey, baby, happy to be here.
Look, we got to make this quick, though.
I'm working on creating a new animal.
It's like a horse but it's got flippers
and it's got fangs. I gave it one wing.
Ooh, boy, it's gonna mess y'all up.
Oh, God, I have so many questions,
First-first of all, I, I didn't know that this is how you look.
Oh, no, thi-this-this is just how I look to you.
I don't look like this when I'm talking to white folks.
I want to surprise 'em when they get here.
(laughs) Oh, man, God, I-I just...
Oh, oh, I also have another question,
and this is a little embarrassing, but...
No, I'm not helping you with Wordle.
How did you know that that was what I was gonna ask?
Tired, tired of you asking about Wordle.
You tweet about Wordle all the time.
You need to get a life, man.
Yeah, but The New York Times made the words...
Anyway, God, let's talk about the issue at hand.
What's your position on this priest in Arizona
who's been messing up baptisms?
I'm gonna be honest, I-I got no idea what you talking about.
Uh, there's a priest in Arizona who said the wrong word,
and now the Vatican is all upset and they're saying
that the people might be going to hell now.
You-you haven't heard about this?
No, man.
I don't pay half as much attention to Earth
as y'all think I do.
I'm having too much fun.
Look at me, I'm in heaven.
We got Prince, Whitney Houston, George Michael.
Every day up here is a Super Bowl halftime show.
Wait, hold-- so, hold...
-Worried about Earth. -You're saying that you're not really
focused on every single thing that's going on down here?
No, I ain't worried about everything going on...
Do you realize how many worlds I have created?
I can't keep track of every single one.
You think Shonda Rhimes know what's going on
in every single one of her TV shows?
She got the firefighter show, she got the doctor show,
she got the one where everybody having sex in the 1700s.
It's impossible to keep track of, impossible.
I-I mean, that makes sense, but are you saying
that even if this priest messed up the baptisms,
you, you would still accept these people into heaven?
That's right.
People, don't sweat the small stuff.
Look, this is all you got to do, Trevor.
All you got to do to get into heaven is be a good person.
I just want people up here
who aren't going to ruin the party, all right?
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's trivia night
and Alex Trebek is on my team.
Trebek, baby, let's get these Bitcoins.
Hell, yeah.
Wow, man.
Heaven sounds like a lot of fun. I can't wait to see it one day.
-This is... -Oh, don't worry. You gonna see it real soon.
Wait, what? Wh-What does...
H-How soon?