-Eggs, flour, water, and milk.
-That's what I used to use for birth control.
It doesn't work.
[ Laughter ]
-Zynerma let me live again,
because I was once declared legally dead for 15 hours.
-If your erection lasts more than four hours,
that has nothing to do with Zynerma...
but congratulations.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Tracy and I have a lot of history together.
Most people think that we met on "Saturday Night Live,"
but we go back further than that.
Tracy and I actually were together
at the same cooking network back in the early '90s.
-[ Laughs ] Yeah. -Yeah, it was called EatsTV.
-What were we doing? -I know, man.
Between shows, we would do these segments
where we gave the audience cooking tips,
but to keep our line readings fresh,
our director wouldn't let us see the lines
until while we were shooting.
So we were reading them for the first time right there on set.
Well, I found some of our old footage.
-What?! -I swear.
So, for the first time in decades,
here is Tracy and I on EatsTV.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You're watching EatsTV, your home for recipes,
restaurants, and really good food.
Stay tuned for tips from the EatsTV kitchen.
♪♪
-Welcome to EatsTV. [ Laughter ]
Coming up, I'll teach you how to make homemade Panda Express.
Step one, break into a zoo. Step two, steal a panda.
Step three, realize you're in way over your head
and just order Panda Express.
Bon app-- Bon pandatite.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-I've got a great recipe for stumpkin pie.
First, you got to find fresh stumpkin.
But don't get one with a face.
Those stumpkins are scary. [ Laughter ]
I hate scary stumpkins. [ Laughter ]
They's got skeleton teeth. [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-My favorite foods in this order are
cheese, chickpeas, peas, chicks, chick cheese.
Did I say peas already?
Quiches, peaches, cheesy Reese's,
beets, beefs -- heck, all the meats --
fries and pies, and wings and thighs
and telling lies.
[ Laughter ]
Noodles, strudels, Froot Loop kugels.
Yodels...
♪ Yodel-ay-hee-hoo ♪
[ Laughter ] Oh, so hoarse.
My favorite food is horse.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-On Thanksgiving, chew like Chewbacca.
Chewbacca used to my favorite "Star Wars" character,
but then he got behind on his child-support payments.
[ Laughter ]
-Tracy, here. -Huh?
-Oh.
We really did this. -No, here. No, here.
[ Laughter ]
Eggs -- Eggs, flour, water, and milk.
-That's what I used to use for birth control.
It doesn't work. [ Laughter ]
I got eight kids off the books.
[ Laughter ]
-The best cooking advice I can give you
is to always use fresh ingredients,
like this lemon that was just picked this morning.
[ Laughter ]
Yummy. I'm glad I'm doing this.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I call Tony the Tiger Anthony because of the respect
of what he does for breakfast.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-How come the cat food is called Fancy Feast?
Do cats think they're better than me?
Well, guess what, cat. I can eat cat food, too.
I want chicken. I want liver.
I want to sleep in a little basket on top of the heater
and clean myself with my tongue.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-It's not delivery, and it's not DiGiorno.
It's Britney, bitch!
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-Don't waste your money on expensive takeout
when you can make a delicious meal right at home.
-I like waffles.
That's why I turned my house into a waffle house.
I sleep on the grill. It burns my buns.
[ Laughter ]
-Waffle House burns my buns.
-EatsTV. Who wants seconds?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh. My thanks to Tracy Morgan right there!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, Robert and I have a lot of history together.
Not a lot of people know this, but back in the early '90s,
we both starred in a commercial
for an allergy medicine called Zynerma.
-Oh, my -- That's totally right. -Remember that?
-Yeah, that really eccentric director.
-Oh, don't even. The director.
-He came out of French cinema, right?
-He did. Well, he had this thing that he wanted us
to have our line readings be really fresh.
Right, so he didn't want us to see our lines before the bit.
-That's right. -So every time
we went to the commercial, we were reading the lines
for the first time right there on set.
Well, I found one of our old commercials.
-No! -Yes.
-Oh, it's about time. -So, here for the first time
in decades is me and Robert Downey Jr.'s ad
for Zynerma. -Zynerma!
-If you suffer from seasonal allergies,
then relief is finally here with once-daily Zynerma.
Ask your doctor or pharmacist if Zynerma is right for you.
-Before Zynerma,
my allergies would keep me in bed all day long.
But not anymore.
Now the only thing keeping in my bed
is my fear of tall men.
[ Laughter ]
-Side effects of Zynerma may include thought blisters,
the mumps, hepatitis K, gooberlycosis,
tripolar depression and slacks, premature fatherhood,
stump lung, crispicks, and hat failure.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Best of all, they're shaped like Flintstone characters.
Not the pills. My nipples.
♪♪
-Zynerma shouldn't replace your asthma inhaler,
and it can't replace...her.
Sorry, big guy, but she's not coming back.
The sooner you accept that, the better off we're all gonna be.
♪♪
She actually wrote you a really long letter
explaining everything,
but I accidentally dropped it in the toilet.
My bad.
-Alright. Now me and you together.
-Okay.
♪♪
-Wait. Give me a second.
[ Laughter ]
Alright. Ready?
Zynerma let me live again,
because I was once declared legally dead for 15 hours.
-If your erection lasts more than four hours,
that has nothing to do with Zynerma...
but congratulations.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-What the...? There's more?
Alright.
One time, I got a Lego man stuck in my no--
[ Laughter ]
One time, I got a Lego man stuck in my nose.
I blew and blew and blew, but he wouldn't come out.
He's still up there to this day.
Sometimes when I'm lying in bed at night, I think about him --
how old he is, if he ever got married,
if he's happy.
Then the Ambien kicks in
and I fall asleep naked in the front yard.
♪♪
-Whoa, I just r-realized something.
Zynerma rhymes with potato.
Wait, no. Sorry.
Tomato rhymes with "pot-ah-to."
Damn it. I just embarrassed myself again.
I guess my dry cleaner was right --
I'm a worthless sack of crap.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, Chad. Hey, Chad. What are you up to, man?
-Hey, sorry, bro.
-[ Laughs ]
You know you can make --
Do you know you can make your own homemade Tylenol?
All you need is Skittles and vodka.
[ Laughter ]
-Ask your doctor about Zynerma today,
then ask your doctor for their number.
Doctors are good people to date
because they've already seen you naked
and most of them make a [bleep] load of money.
[ Laughter ]
-I asked my doctor if Zynerma was right for me,
but he said, "I've never heard of Zynerma. What is it?"
So I said, "It's a pill, dum-dum.
Just write the prescription."
Then he said, "That's not how prescriptions work."
So I said, "Pwease?" And he said, "No."
So I said, "Pwetty, pwetty pwease?"
And he said no again and called the police.
So now I go to the veterinarian.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Here's a list of everything I'm allergic to --
love...
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-I lived in the back of a Walgreens for three years
because my arm was stuck in the blood-pressure machine.
-That's where I found him.
I took him home, hosed him off in his yard,
and nursed him back to health with Muscle Milk.
-Soon, I weighed 600 pounds.
It was a long, hard road to lose all that weight,
and I couldn't have done it without a good friend.
-But after his friend escaped, I stepped in.
The rest is rock-'n'-roll history.
-Thanks, Zynerma! -Thanks, Zynerma!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Once-daily Zynerma.
Breathe deep.
♪♪
-Had a lot of... [ Cheers and applause ]
You got a lot of -- [ Laughs ] -That went on a bit.
-We did a lot of commercials.
I forgot how many commercials we ended up doing.
-Yeah. Very experimental. -[ Laughs ]
My thanks to Robert Downey Jr., everybody.