Afghanistan, the country that,
much like the bathroom at a chili cook-off,
is almost always occupied.
The United States has now been in Afghanistan
for nearly 20 years.
And today, President Joseph Retreat Biden
said enough is enough.
President Biden announcing he will withdraw
all U.S. troops from Afghanistan by September 11.
We cannot continue the cycle
of extending or expanding our military presence in Afghanistan
hoping to create ideal conditions for the withdrawal
and expecting a different result.
I'm now the fourth United States president
to preside over American troop presence in Afghanistan.
I will not pass this responsibility on to a fifth.
I will not pass this responsibility
to the next president.
Wow. What a nice gift Joe Biden is giving
to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson when he becomes president.
Although, to be honest, I was secretly hoping that The Rock
would get to end the war in Afghanistan, yeah,
because he would have done it in style!
But, yes-- the war in Afghanistan
may finally be over.
And, people, it's about time.
It's been, what-- 19 years?
No war should ever be old enough to serve in itself.
I will say, though, I find it a little weird
that Biden is withdrawing on 9/11.
I mean, first of all, breaking up on your anniversary--
that's just mean. And second,
should he be basing huge decisions like this
on the date that just sounds the best?
We can't let this forever war continue one more moment.
But let's wait a few more months for some nice symmetry.
You know, it's numbers. I believe in numbers.
Now, of course, all of this is assuming
that America actually does leave.
Because, don't forget-- America has been trying
to get out of Afghanistan for, what-- ten years now.
Obama said it. Trump said it.
Hell, this guy said it.
We are leaving in 2014. Period.
To be fair, Biden didn't know what year it was
when he said that.
Now, obviously, not everyone is celebrating this decision.
Biden is getting a lot of criticism from people
who say that if America leaves Afghanistan
then it will become a failed state.
And that is a real danger. But on the other hand,
America has been there for 20 years.
Is it supposed to stay there forever?
Because if that's gonna be the case, then, I mean,
America should at least make Afghanistan a U.S. state.
And the good news with that is
it would eliminate Afghanistan's terrorism problem completely,
because we all know that once terrorists are American,
they're not terrorists anymore.
They're just frustrated citizens
who are having a bad day.
Moving on to sports news.
The Minnesota Timberwolves are the best team in the NBA...
named after puppy dogs.
And now they're getting to know their new owner.
Former MLB star Alex Rodriguez
is reportedly part of a new ownership group
for the NBA's Minnesota Timberwolves.
Here's what the team's 19-year-old
rookie of the year candidate Anthony Edwards said
about A-Rod's ownership bid when he was asked about it
by reporters yesterday. Watch.
REPORTER: Do you have any thoughts about him,
are you an A-Rod fan at all growing up
or anything like that, what you think about
what he might bring to the team?
A fan? Who's he? Like... Who is he?
REPORTER: A baseball player. Alex Rodriguez.
Yeah, no, I ain't... I don't know who that is.
-REPORTER: Okay. -I know he's gonna be an owner,
but I don't-I don't know nothing about baseball.
NEWSWOMAN: (laughs) Rodriguez took the opportunity
to introduce himself to Edwards in a post on Instagram,
writing "Hi Anthony, I’m Alex!"
Ooh! Okay, okay, this is embarrassing,
but let's give the guy a break.
I mean, he's 19. You know?
There are some things that 19-year-olds today
just don't know about, like...
either of these things could be A-Rod.
They don't know.
You can't assume that teenagers are gonna know
every middle-aged famous person.
Except Matt Gaetz, because his photo
is posted at the security desk
in everyone's dorm.
And to be honest, it could have been worse for this kid.
I mean, at least A-Rod wasn't actually there.
God knows I've been in situations when I was
talking to a famous person
and I didn't know who they were.
Thank you so much for joining me, uh, Mr... Buddy.
I am very happy to be here with you, Trevor.
I have to say, I am a big fan
of your music.
Yeah. I found out, afterwards, that guy
is on a podcast. (scoffs)
And finally, some good news for all full-time parents
looking to get back into the non-childcare job market.
You can now update your résumé.
LinkedIn is making changes to catch up with popular demand.
Mothers and fathers who have
stopped working to become caregivers
will now have a way to reflect that
on their LinkedIn accounts.
The company added titles like stay-at-home mom
or stay-at-home dad and removed the need
to link that title to a company or employer.
Thank you. If you ask me,
this is long overdue.
Stay-at-home moms and dads should also have
the opportunity to have LinkedIn do absolutely nothing for them.
Seriously, though, stay-at-home parents
deserve this recognition because, before,
if you were home, raising your kids,
your résumé just looked like you were unemployed
for, like, a chunk of years.
But parenting is a job.
I mean, it's one of the hardest jobs, actually.
It's also the only job where if your boss pees on you,
-you can't sue them. -(baby cries)
I will say, as good as this is,
employers still have to be careful
and make sure that they get all the details.
Because a candidate who's a stay-at-home mom
to two young kids-- that could be a great employee.
But a candidate who's a stay-at-home mom
to 17 cats-- that's a red flag.
Not to mention, this could be bad news for some kids.
Because now their moms could get hired away
to be another kid's mom.
"Mommy, don't go. I love you."
"Oh, I love you, too, honey.
But Suzie's giving me dental, so I'm out."