-Welcome back to the show. -Thanks for having me, man.
-I'm always happy to see you. You look great, by the way.
How you been?
-I'm alright. I got married in COVID.
-Oh, congratulations. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah, I -- So I've decided to let myself go, you know?
-Why?
-Well, hey, look, I've been taking pills
to keep the hair on my head for 15 years now, right?
And I've got crap hair.
I've spent tens of thousands of dollars
on this really rubbish hair.
And I take these pills every day to keep it in.
But because I take the pills,
it makes downstairs not work anymore, right?
So I have to take a blue pill to counteract
the brown pill to make everything work.
So, I've got two options in life, right?
I've got either "I keep my hair
and I can't have sex with anyone,"
or "I lose my hair and no one wants to have sex with me."
But -- -That's a conundrum.
-So, now I've got the wife, I just,
"Alright, I'm going to lose the hair.
-Yeah. -But it's hard going bald.
People pick on the -- We live in a society where
we're not allowed to fat-shame anymore, right?
And I agree with that. We shouldn't fat-shame.
But we bald-shame all the time. -Yeah.
-If a man loses his hair, you got, "Good day, baldy."
In Britain, the slang term for a bald person is "slaphead."
Right? Like, they actually threaten violence against you.
And no one chooses to go bald.
Any man who's gone ba--
And you're not allowed to cover it up.
Heaven forbid a man tries to cover up his baldness
and grows a bit out here and whips it across.
That person is a loser.
Or if they a wear a wig,
they're banished from our society.
If you wear a wig and you leave any party,
everyone is talking about your wig after you leave the party.
-That is true.
-You're not allowed to -- Yet, women are allowed to
wear a wig over their full head of hair,
and they're just having a bit of fun.
-Yeah.
-Do you know how offensive that is?
Look, I've done everything, man. I've done the transplants.
This is all not real.
I've had to move the hair from here to here.
-Is that right?
-Yeah, look, even now with the lights,
I've got to put special powder in me hair
so you can't see my scalp, because,
you know, all that stuff floats up.
It's -- Look, the transplant's a good thing, right?
A lot of people take the transplant.
Biden's had the transplant. -Yes.
-If you look at those old footage of him when he's 30
and now look at him at 100, it's completely different.
-I want to talk about -- I want to talk about
your tour and specifically the name.
Well, it's called "The Moist Tour."
How? Why?
-Well, when you get asked to name a tour,
it's one of these things like your agents ring you up
and go, "What's the name of the tour?
You haven't written the jokes yet.
So, I basically just Googled,
"What's the most offensive word that isn't a swear word?"
And it turns out "moist" is number 1.
So if you come to the show, don't worry.
You're not gonna get wet or anything,
unless you find me handsome.
-Yeah.
Geez. Unbelievable.
Don't laugh at that.
Come on, don't support -- don't support it.
Wait. So, tomorrow, you're in San Antonio, Texas.
And then you're in Sugar Land on Saturday.
But you're going all over the place.
You're going to Michigan. You're going to Canada.
-I follow the winters.
They send me -- Anywhere that winter is happening,
they reckon they sell more.
-You're going to Australia, eventually.
-Yeah.
-And I know you have a very --
You have a good photo that you brought us.
You went to Vegas and you actually hung out with
the Thunder From Down Under.
-I went to the Thunder From Down Under, yeah.
I was writing a sitcom back in the day
about me being a male stripper.
And TBS bought the script,
but, somehow, it never made it to TV.
-Wow.
-And, so, I went to see the Thunder From Down Under.
I got to give it up for Australians, though.
We got any Australians? [ Light cheering ]
Yeah, I've got to give it up to the Australians.
It's like we can market that we're sexy, you know?
The Thunder From Down Under, and girls go,
"Oh, a few Australian blokes.
That'll be alright."
You couldn't do that with anyone else.
You couldn't go, "Oh, we have the Canadian boys,
the Maple Syrup Kids.
They're gonna go --"
You know?
We've got some Scottish blokes in kilts.
That should sell some tickets. -Yeah.
-You know, but I went along, and after the show,
what they do is, they take photos.
All the girls that are in the show --
they come and sit on the lap of the members from
the Thunder From Down Under
and they take a photo that they can take home with them.
And I stood in the back for all the photos,
and no one noticed I was there.
I wonder if you can see me in the pic.
-Alright, let's see if you can find Jim Jefferies
in this picture of the Thunder From Down Under.
There's a... [ Laughter ]
Dude, you are the best. And no one said anything to you?
-No, no, no. -You're the palest guy --
-I'm the least-tan person that's ever come out of Australia.
-This is the funniest picture, man.
Jim Jefferies, I always love when you come by.
Congrats on the baby and your wife.
You know I love you. Jim Jefferies.
For tickets to "The Moist Tour," go to jimjefferies.com.