SPEAKING OF DESPERATE TO LEAVE-- GREAT BRITAIN.
( LAUGHTER )
THE E.U. FOR THREE YEARS NOW, BUT EVERY TIME AN AGREEMENT HAS
BEEN REACHED, BREXIT HARD-LINERS HAVE DERAILED IT OVER SOMETHING
CALLED "THE IRISH BACKSTOP"-- WHICH IS NOT, AS I ASSUMED, THE
NICKNAME FOR A DUBLIN PUB FLOOR.
NO, IT'S A CUSTOMS AGREEMENT TO MAKE SURE THERE'S NO HARD BORDER
DIVIDING IRELAND FROM NORTHERN IRELAND.
THE INABILITY TO COME UP WITH AN AGREEMENT ON THIS ISSUE CAUSED
THE RESIGNATION OF FORMER PRIME MINISTER AND WOMAN NOT AMUSED BY
HER BUBBLE GUM NECKLACE, THERESA MAY.
BREXIT IS NOW IN THE HANDS OF NEW PRIME MINISTER AND MIDLIFE
CRISIS DRACO MALFOY, BORIS JOHNSON.
UPON TAKING OFFICE, JOHNSON PROMISED TO DELIVER BREXIT WITH
OR WITHOUT A DEAL, WHICH MIGHT BE A PROBLEM, BECAUSE A NO-DEAL
BREXIT WOULD BE AN ECONOMIC NIGHTMARE AND LEAD TO FOOD AND
MEDICINE SHORTAGES IN BRITAIN.
THAT IS HORRIBLE.
NOT ONLY WILL THEY BE WITHOUT MEDICINE; THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO START EATING BRITISH FOOD.
( LAUGHTER )
GOING TO BE A LOT OF SPOTTED DICK GOING AROUND.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT YESTERDAY, IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, THEY DEBATED A BILL
BANNING A NO-DEAL BREXIT.
AND WHILE JOHNSON WAS UP GIVING A SPEECH DEFENDING HIS PLAN, A
MEMBER OF HIS OWN PARTY WALKED OVER TO SIT WITH THE OPPOSITION,
COSTING JOHNSON HIS ONE-VOTE MAJORITY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT LIKE FOR JOHNSON?
(AS JOHNSON) "OH THIS IS GOING QUITE WELL!
I THINK PEOPLE ARE REALLY LIKING MY SPEECH!
ONE GUY'S EVEN GIVING ME A STANDING-- OHHHHH NOOOOOO."
IN RETALIATION, JOHNSON IS KICKING ALL 21 OF THE
CONSERVATIVES WHO VOTED AGAINST HIM OUT OF THE CONSERVATIVE
PARTY, INCLUDING NICHOLAS SOAMES, WHO IS THE GRANDSON OF
WINSTON CHURCHILL.
THAT'S LIKE THE VATICAN KICKING OUT JESUS' COUSIN, STEVE OF
NAZARETH.
( LAUGHTER )
BEER.
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE HAS THE BEER.
>> Dave: WHAT ABOUT THE WINE.
>> Stephen: I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.
YEAH, YEAH.
IT WAS WATER BEFORE, AND THEN HE TURNED IT INTO AN I.P.A.
THESE LAWMAKERS BUCKING THEIR OWN PARTY TO STAND UP TO AN
UNNATURALLY BLONDE MAN WITH TERRIBLE IDEAS GIVES ME HOPE.
IF THEY CAN DO IT, MAYBE WE CAN, TOO!
WE CAN, TOO!
( APPLAUSE )
US WITH STUFF LIKE THIS.
THEY ELECTED A WOMAN HEAD OF STATE IN 1979.
AND WE DIDN'T DO THAT UNTIL POSSIBLY SOMEDAY.
AND STANDING UP TO NO-DEAL BREXIT ISN'T THE ONLY WAY THAT
I'M JEALOUS OF THE BRITISH.
HERE'S THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS CALLING FOR ORDER
DURING YESTERDAY'S DEBATE: >> ORDEEEEER.
ORDER!
VERY RUDE FOR MEMBERS!
ORDEEEEEEER!
ORDEEEER!
ORDER!
I SAY TO YOU, CHANCELLOR OF THE DUCHY, THAT WHEN HE TURNS UP AT
OUR CHILDREN'S SCHOOL AS A PARENT, HE'S A VERY WELL-
BEHAVED FELLOW.
HE WOULDN'T DARE BEHAVE LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF COLIN HALL, AND
NEITHER WOULD I.
DON'T GESTICULATE!
DON'T RANT!
SPARE US THE THEATRICS.
BEHAVE YOURSELF!
BE A GOOD BOY, YOUNG MAN!
BE A GOOD BOY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: WHY CAN'T WE-- WHY-- WHY-- WHY-- WHY DID WE
EVER REBEL AGAINST THEM?
JUST THINK OF HOW OUR LAWMAKERS COULD SOUND.
INSTEAD OF, "THIS APPROPRIATIONS BILL WILL UNDERMINE OUR ALREADY
DANGEROUSLY NEGLECTED INFRASTRUCTURE," WE COULD HAVE:
(WILD SCOTTISH ACCENT) "ORDER!
ORDERRRRR!
ORDER!
NOW DON'T BE DAFT ABOUT THIS PROPOSAL, YOU
TOLLY-WODGING GIT, OR I'LL TELL YOUR GRAND-MUM WHAT I REALLY
THINK OF HER JAMMY SQUARES, EH!
EH!
NOW, BE A GOOD BOY, DONALD!
BE A GOOD BOY, DONALD.
GO SQUATTY ON THE POTTY!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
JOSEPH R. BIDEN IS HERE.
STICK AROUND!